Instruction Manual for Kids

Sometimes I think that someone in the pre-existence must have given my children an instruction manual on how to get under my skin. I'm pretty sure it was authored by Luce E. Fur, and was cleverly disguised as a self-help book for dealing with earth life. It has taken me 6+ years to figure out its contents (and I will admit that it probably contains things I have yet to discover). I am sure it includes things like:

• The Magnet Principle. As soon as your mother sits down, situate yourself as close to her as possible. You will find the most enjoyment if you are touching her; don't be afraid to sit on her lap, even if it is already occupied by a sibling. This rule only applies to your mother, you will find no such enjoyment crowding around your father when he is sitting down.
• The Proximity Principle I. The moment you witness your mother going into the kitchen, even if it's just to put something in the trash, you will suddenly realize that you are hungry. You will follow her into the kitchen, asking if it's time to eat. It doesn't matter what time of day it is, or how recently you ate, you will be hungry when your mother is in the kitchen.
• The Selective Hearing Principle. You should learn very early on to only hear those things you choose to; that way, when your mother gets angry with you because your room is still a mess, yet she claims to have asked you to clean it at least a dozen times, you will be able to honestly reply, "I didn't hear you." You will quickly learn which things you want to hear, and which things you want to tune out. You should be slow to hear any prompts to do work of any kind, but should be able to hear the announcement that it's time for dessert from any corner of the house.
• The Proximity Principle II. Generally, you will be incredibly well-behaved while your mom is away. Your babysitters will believe, erroneously, that you and your siblings are wonderful children who never cry or do something worthy of earning a timeout. But the moment your mom walks in the door, it will trigger tears and tantrums out of nowhere. You should stand in front of her, holding your hands up to be held, and cry until she reaches down, rolling her eyes, to pick you up.
  
• The Antonym Principle. Learn quickly that when you ask for something and are denied, your mother really meant "yes" when she said "no." Go ahead and help yourself to whatever it is you want, and act surprised when you get in trouble. Respond with, "today is opposite day," which may get you out of trouble.
  
• The Fashion Principle. As soon as you are old enough, insist that you dress yourself. Only choose things that you know don't go together, and which you know embarrasses your mom beyond belief when you wear in public. Also, change your clothes several times throughout the day, but only after you have gotten each outfit dirty enough that it can't be worn again. Cry every time you see a brush coming your way, forcing your mother to give in to your fashion sense to keep her sanity.
• The Illness Principle. When you are sick, even the least bit, lay on the floor, moaning like the end is near. Use your illness as an excuse not to go to school or church or as a reason not to have to go to bed. Refuse to eat or drink anything other than ice cream or juice and spend the day crying and whining to prove that you are, in fact, not yourself. You will find that you will receive extra sympathy (and probably will be offered ice cream and juice to avoid starvation) , and will probably even get to have your binky and "comfort object" with you all day long.

What am I forgetting? I'm sure I will continue to uncover principles found in this "out-of-print" instruction manual, and may be able to recreate it all some day. We have recently been dealing with The Illness Principle, as Damon and Kyla have been sick all last week with croup. Damon missed two days of school and Kyla is still wheezing like Darth Vador (minus the cool James Earl Jones voiceover). They have both been pretty miserable, and I have been letting KyKy have her binky and cow whenever she wants.

This got me thinking about my kids' comfort objects. Damon had an elephant named "Ernie" that played "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" when you pulled his string. He loved that elephant, even after we had to removed the music box so Ernie could go into the washer. I was looking through old pictures, sure there would be a lot with Ernie in Damon's arms, and was surprised to only find two in which he makes an appearance. This one is from October 2003. He is with Greg A., one of Jeff's 259 buddies. I'm convinced that it was Greg and Tammy's love of Damon's cheeks that led to their daughter, Emma's, own jowls.

The second picture you can see Ernie (and Baby Ernie) behind Damon (also October 2003). After big Ernie got lost in the Las Vegas airport, Baby Ernie was a good substitute. When Baby Ernie was lost in another airport, and a search online found no good replacement, Damon quickly grew out of his need for a comfort object.

Allie, on the other hand, didn't develop a close bond with her comfort object until just over a year ago. She always loved her baby Bexley, but when she got her new bed and bedding, she really fell in love. Allie's comfort object is her pillow. I was surprised again to find that we only had one picture with the pillow, and it is, again, a background object. This is from June 2008 at Grandma Karen's house. It is the rainbow one on the couch, behind all the grandkids playing with grandma.


Just like Damon loved to rub Ernie's tail between his fingers, Allie loves to rub the corners of her pillow while she falls asleep. I took this picture a couple of days ago, after I realized that we had so little documentation of the beloved pillow. This wasn't posed, this is how she lays on the pillow.


Like I said before, Kyla loves her cow ("dow" as she calls it). She will suck on her finger as soon as she sees the cow, so she also still gets to have her binky at bed time and nap time. It's got the head of a cow, but the body is more like a fleece blanket. Too bad they didn't have one in pink.

She still sounds terrible (like an asthmatic having an attack), but doesn't act too miserable. Maybe it's because she gets "dow" and "btee-btee" so much during the day. Hopefully this week goes better. Otherwise she may have to BE Darth Vador for Halloween. At least that would explain the wheezing.