So, here's the story. Wednesday we go in for the ultrasound, everything is going well, we're excited we're having a boy. Then, the u/s tech says, "This isn't a huge deal, but I'm almost positive your cord only has two vessels instead of three, so I'm going to schedule an appointment with the perinatologist at the hospital."
My heart sank. I instantly remembered that after we lost Chance, the doctor told me that the only unusual finding with my placenta and cord was that the cord only had two vessels. At the time, he said it was not the reason that my water broke so early, it was just a coincidence. I informed the u/s tech about this coincidence, and she agreed, it should have had nothing to do with my water breaking. "Still, it doesn't make you feel good, does it?" She proceeded to call and schedule the appointment for me while my mind jumped ahead a few miles, trying to imagine what this meant for us, for this new little boy inside me. After hanging up and informing me about the appointment, she said, "Try not to worry. Most babies that have a two vessel cord turn out fine."
I nodded my head, blinking back tears, knowing that telling me to try not to worry was like telling Allie to try not to fall asleep on our bi-weekly drives to Mapleton for Damon's soccer games (it just doesn't happen). She must have seen the look on my face, because she tried to reassure me, explaining that we were only slightly higher risk for health problems (kidney and heart specifically), and that the perinatologist would want to make sure baby boy was growing alright. Dutifully, I continued to nod my head, quite certain that this was the "something wrong" I had been sensing.
Still, for the rest of the day, I tried to talk myself out of being worried. After doing some research, and finding out that 80% of babies with a two vessel cord are perfectly normal, I felt a little better. I tried to remind myself--AGAIN--that this is something completely out of my control and that--AGAIN--I need to have more faith that the Lord knows what's best for me and my family and everything will turn out fine.
For the most part, I started to believe it. But every now and then, doubt would creep back in, and before long, I was stressing big time. Thursday morning it finally bubbled up, and I had a good cry alone in the bathroom. Man, I needed that; I needed that time to let all the negativity go, and the only way that was going to happen is if I really let myself feel bad for a few minutes. It didn't last long, and sweet little Kyla found me and snapped me back to reality. I felt like I could actually let go, instead of just talking about it. I was ready to give in to the will of the Lord, whatever that might be.
Friday, I was surprisingly calm when we went in for u/s #2. And this one went extremely well. I only had to remind myself to stop clenching my entire body and breathe twice. The doctor spent a lot of time looking at baby's heart, something the u/s tech hadn't been able to see very well on Wednesday. Everything looked good. He has two kidneys, his heart has four chambers, and he is still a he. He is also growing right on schedule. What a huge relief and weight lifted off my shoulders.
It doesn't mean we are in the clear yet. We will be monitored closely to make sure he continues to grow and I am acutally going to do the MSAFP test to tell us whether or not he potentially has Down Syndrome. But I feel okay about everything. Even if something turns out to be wrong, and we fall into the 20%, it will be okay. I know the Lord will take care of us, and I promised Him in one of my many, many prayers this week, that I will love this little boy just as I do my other three, no matter what. I was reading in Mosiah 4:9 yesterday (one of my favorites), and feeling like it was written just for me. I know the Lord has all power, and can fix any problems we have. But I also know he has all wisdom and I have to trust that His perspective is so much greater than my own.
So, for now, I am at peace. I am relieved that everything looks good so far, and am hopeful that it will continue this way. But if not...I'll accept it.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Post 301
Yep, my last post was #300 on this blog. Momentous occasion, so please observe a moment of silence...moment over.
I have an entirely different post currently rattling around in my brain, but it's going to have to wait until after tomorrow, and ultrasound #2. Which means, for those of you who are not my Facebook friends (and you should be!), we found out yesterday the sex of our baby. And to make it fun for Damon, we tied balloons to the mailbox.
Yep, we're having a boy! I can hardly believe it (I was completely ready to find out it was girl #3), but we are super excited. His umbilical cord only has 2 vessels instead of 3, so we are having a second ultrasound tomorrow to check for any potential problems. So, more (a lot more, I am sure) on that tomorrow after the ultrasound.
This is a cute picture I took of the kids the other day. They were posing in the street and Allie hopped on Damon's back.
And finally, Allie has been cracking us up lately. One day, I heard her singing "I Gotta Feeling," and it went something like this, "I gotta feeling, that tonight's gonna be a good night. And tomorrow's gonna be a good night. And after tomorrow's gonna be a good night. And after after tomorrow's gonna be a good night..."
My personal favorite. "Mom, I know dad's car is a boy, because it has a mustache."
I have an entirely different post currently rattling around in my brain, but it's going to have to wait until after tomorrow, and ultrasound #2. Which means, for those of you who are not my Facebook friends (and you should be!), we found out yesterday the sex of our baby. And to make it fun for Damon, we tied balloons to the mailbox.
Yep, we're having a boy! I can hardly believe it (I was completely ready to find out it was girl #3), but we are super excited. His umbilical cord only has 2 vessels instead of 3, so we are having a second ultrasound tomorrow to check for any potential problems. So, more (a lot more, I am sure) on that tomorrow after the ultrasound.
This is a cute picture I took of the kids the other day. They were posing in the street and Allie hopped on Damon's back.
And finally, Allie has been cracking us up lately. One day, I heard her singing "I Gotta Feeling," and it went something like this, "I gotta feeling, that tonight's gonna be a good night. And tomorrow's gonna be a good night. And after tomorrow's gonna be a good night. And after after tomorrow's gonna be a good night..."
My personal favorite. "Mom, I know dad's car is a boy, because it has a mustache."
Monday, September 14, 2009
Overdue post
I don't know why I haven't posted in a while. I guess I have just been in a blogging funk and haven't felt like sitting down and writing. "My bad!," as my mom would say.
I was a single mom for two weeks, that was a lot of fun. Jeff and his brothers took a trip down the Colorado River for 10 days (the trip of a lifetime, as the wives were told). He was home for 12 hours before he hopped on a plane and flew to Dallas for the BYU/Oklahoma game. Rough life, huh? I took the kids to St. George for Labor Day weekend, and an Esplin Family reunion, so by the time we were reunited, it had been two weeks since we had seen him for more than a couple of hours. Kyla had pink eye while he was gone, and I was waiting it out, hoping I wouldn't have to take her to the doctor for an antibiotic, and I probably waited too long. Again, "my bad!" Jeff's brother sent him a text from our boys' soccer game while Jeff was in Texas that said, "Damon scored a goal, KyKy has conjunctivitis, and your wife is wearing tight shorts. You're missing all the fun!" Only two of those things were true (at least, I don't think my shorts were tight), but Jeff said it really made him miss his family. It's good to have him home. Although I did get to watch a lot of Lois and Clark on Hulu (what a great show).
I'm 18 weeks pregnant now and not hiding it well at all. Although people are nice, and tell me that I am tiny, Jeff and I both know the truth. It doesn't bother me, though. I'm just so happy not to be puking anymore that I'll take an expanding belly as a trade. Allie has suddenly been very involved in the pregnancy (or at least acknowledging it on a daily basis). She told me the other day, as I was cutting an avocado, that it reminded her of a mom with a baby inside.
Another day, she was in the bathroom as I was getting dressed, and she asked me, "Do you have those same ones for all your babies?"
Confused, I asked, "The same what?"
"The same breasts," she clarified. Obviously she has noticed that my "new" set are looking a little different.
For the most part, I feel really good. I haven't been too anxious at all about this pregnancy, but just feeling like everything is going to be fine. Then a week before I went to St. George, my mom called and told me that my cousin's wife was 20 weeks pregnant with her fourth boy when they couldn't find his heartbeat on the ultrasound. It was confirmed that he had passed away, and she had to deliver a stillborn baby boy. For some reason, this really affected me. I'm not close to this cousin and his wife, but I felt an instant connection with her, and I couldn't help but relive my own experience with a stillborn baby boy. Since then, I have had TONS of anxiety, ranging from something is wrong with the baby to something is wrong with me. Last week I was having a lot of lower back pain, and I was in complete panic mode, sure I was having preterm labor. I tried to calm myself down, listing to myself all the reasons that was absurd, like, I have never had preterm labor with any of my babies, so why should I now? Still, though, it took me several hours to get my brain to believe it.
It all comes back to the lesson I have to keep relearning: no matter what I do, I have no control over what happens with this baby. If he/she is going to have physical or mental disabilities, worrying about it isn't going to change that. If he/she is going to suddenly stop growing, I can't change that either. All I can do is put my trust in the Lord and believe that He knows what is best for me and my family, and let the rest itself out. But, why oh why is that such a hard lesson to learn?
The past few days I have felt better (mentally. My back still hurts.). I feel more willing to give up control and to work on the things I CAN do (like being a better mom to the three kids I do have). I've been listening to "More Holiness give Me" from The Missionary Hymn Project, and was struck really for the first time at just how beautiful the words are. Listen to it sometime if you're feeling overwhelmed. It helped me to realize that I don't have to be perfect right now. I don't have to do everything. I just need to do a little more. Be a little better (like President Hinckley used to always say). Be a little more like my Savior. And so those are the things I have been asking for lately. I defintely need all the help I can get.
Okay. Maybe now you're wishing that I was still on my blogging hiatus after all that. I know posts are boring without any pictures, so here is one from Damon's first day of school. Hopefully, he will fill that doorway (or a lot more of it) by the time he is standing there for his senior year of high school. He is doing great at school, and has four friends (boys, yay!) that he plays with at recess. I focus on that, and not the fact that they play with all the third grade girls, in some kind of competition for the slide. Some kids were made for public school, and Damon is one of them.
I was a single mom for two weeks, that was a lot of fun. Jeff and his brothers took a trip down the Colorado River for 10 days (the trip of a lifetime, as the wives were told). He was home for 12 hours before he hopped on a plane and flew to Dallas for the BYU/Oklahoma game. Rough life, huh? I took the kids to St. George for Labor Day weekend, and an Esplin Family reunion, so by the time we were reunited, it had been two weeks since we had seen him for more than a couple of hours. Kyla had pink eye while he was gone, and I was waiting it out, hoping I wouldn't have to take her to the doctor for an antibiotic, and I probably waited too long. Again, "my bad!" Jeff's brother sent him a text from our boys' soccer game while Jeff was in Texas that said, "Damon scored a goal, KyKy has conjunctivitis, and your wife is wearing tight shorts. You're missing all the fun!" Only two of those things were true (at least, I don't think my shorts were tight), but Jeff said it really made him miss his family. It's good to have him home. Although I did get to watch a lot of Lois and Clark on Hulu (what a great show).
I'm 18 weeks pregnant now and not hiding it well at all. Although people are nice, and tell me that I am tiny, Jeff and I both know the truth. It doesn't bother me, though. I'm just so happy not to be puking anymore that I'll take an expanding belly as a trade. Allie has suddenly been very involved in the pregnancy (or at least acknowledging it on a daily basis). She told me the other day, as I was cutting an avocado, that it reminded her of a mom with a baby inside.
Another day, she was in the bathroom as I was getting dressed, and she asked me, "Do you have those same ones for all your babies?"
Confused, I asked, "The same what?"
"The same breasts," she clarified. Obviously she has noticed that my "new" set are looking a little different.
For the most part, I feel really good. I haven't been too anxious at all about this pregnancy, but just feeling like everything is going to be fine. Then a week before I went to St. George, my mom called and told me that my cousin's wife was 20 weeks pregnant with her fourth boy when they couldn't find his heartbeat on the ultrasound. It was confirmed that he had passed away, and she had to deliver a stillborn baby boy. For some reason, this really affected me. I'm not close to this cousin and his wife, but I felt an instant connection with her, and I couldn't help but relive my own experience with a stillborn baby boy. Since then, I have had TONS of anxiety, ranging from something is wrong with the baby to something is wrong with me. Last week I was having a lot of lower back pain, and I was in complete panic mode, sure I was having preterm labor. I tried to calm myself down, listing to myself all the reasons that was absurd, like, I have never had preterm labor with any of my babies, so why should I now? Still, though, it took me several hours to get my brain to believe it.
It all comes back to the lesson I have to keep relearning: no matter what I do, I have no control over what happens with this baby. If he/she is going to have physical or mental disabilities, worrying about it isn't going to change that. If he/she is going to suddenly stop growing, I can't change that either. All I can do is put my trust in the Lord and believe that He knows what is best for me and my family, and let the rest itself out. But, why oh why is that such a hard lesson to learn?
The past few days I have felt better (mentally. My back still hurts.). I feel more willing to give up control and to work on the things I CAN do (like being a better mom to the three kids I do have). I've been listening to "More Holiness give Me" from The Missionary Hymn Project, and was struck really for the first time at just how beautiful the words are. Listen to it sometime if you're feeling overwhelmed. It helped me to realize that I don't have to be perfect right now. I don't have to do everything. I just need to do a little more. Be a little better (like President Hinckley used to always say). Be a little more like my Savior. And so those are the things I have been asking for lately. I defintely need all the help I can get.
Okay. Maybe now you're wishing that I was still on my blogging hiatus after all that. I know posts are boring without any pictures, so here is one from Damon's first day of school. Hopefully, he will fill that doorway (or a lot more of it) by the time he is standing there for his senior year of high school. He is doing great at school, and has four friends (boys, yay!) that he plays with at recess. I focus on that, and not the fact that they play with all the third grade girls, in some kind of competition for the slide. Some kids were made for public school, and Damon is one of them.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)