The Long Version

So, here's the story. Wednesday we go in for the ultrasound, everything is going well, we're excited we're having a boy. Then, the u/s tech says, "This isn't a huge deal, but I'm almost positive your cord only has two vessels instead of three, so I'm going to schedule an appointment with the perinatologist at the hospital."

My heart sank. I instantly remembered that after we lost Chance, the doctor told me that the only unusual finding with my placenta and cord was that the cord only had two vessels. At the time, he said it was not the reason that my water broke so early, it was just a coincidence. I informed the u/s tech about this coincidence, and she agreed, it should have had nothing to do with my water breaking. "Still, it doesn't make you feel good, does it?" She proceeded to call and schedule the appointment for me while my mind jumped ahead a few miles, trying to imagine what this meant for us, for this new little boy inside me. After hanging up and informing me about the appointment, she said, "Try not to worry. Most babies that have a two vessel cord turn out fine."

I nodded my head, blinking back tears, knowing that telling me to try not to worry was like telling Allie to try not to fall asleep on our bi-weekly drives to Mapleton for Damon's soccer games (it just doesn't happen). She must have seen the look on my face, because she tried to reassure me, explaining that we were only slightly higher risk for health problems (kidney and heart specifically), and that the perinatologist would want to make sure baby boy was growing alright. Dutifully, I continued to nod my head, quite certain that this was the "something wrong" I had been sensing.

Still, for the rest of the day, I tried to talk myself out of being worried. After doing some research, and finding out that 80% of babies with a two vessel cord are perfectly normal, I felt a little better. I tried to remind myself--AGAIN--that this is something completely out of my control and that--AGAIN--I need to have more faith that the Lord knows what's best for me and my family and everything will turn out fine.

For the most part, I started to believe it. But every now and then, doubt would creep back in, and before long, I was stressing big time. Thursday morning it finally bubbled up, and I had a good cry alone in the bathroom. Man, I needed that; I needed that time to let all the negativity go, and the only way that was going to happen is if I really let myself feel bad for a few minutes. It didn't last long, and sweet little Kyla found me and snapped me back to reality. I felt like I could actually let go, instead of just talking about it. I was ready to give in to the will of the Lord, whatever that might be.

Friday, I was surprisingly calm when we went in for u/s #2. And this one went extremely well. I only had to remind myself to stop clenching my entire body and breathe twice. The doctor spent a lot of time looking at baby's heart, something the u/s tech hadn't been able to see very well on Wednesday. Everything looked good. He has two kidneys, his heart has four chambers, and he is still a he. He is also growing right on schedule. What a huge relief and weight lifted off my shoulders.

It doesn't mean we are in the clear yet. We will be monitored closely to make sure he continues to grow and I am acutally going to do the MSAFP test to tell us whether or not he potentially has Down Syndrome. But I feel okay about everything. Even if something turns out to be wrong, and we fall into the 20%, it will be okay. I know the Lord will take care of us, and I promised Him in one of my many, many prayers this week, that I will love this little boy just as I do my other three, no matter what. I was reading in Mosiah 4:9 yesterday (one of my favorites), and feeling like it was written just for me. I know the Lord has all power, and can fix any problems we have. But I also know he has all wisdom and I have to trust that His perspective is so much greater than my own.

So, for now, I am at peace. I am relieved that everything looks good so far, and am hopeful that it will continue this way. But if not...I'll accept it.