Pregnancy "issues"

This is going to be a long post, which is probably why I have put off writing it until now. So, you have been warned. Hang in there if you can, otherwise feel free to drop out at any time. One of my favorite quote from one of my favorite movies is this (bonus points for naming the movie):

'" 'Life doesn´t always turn out the way you plan.´
l just wish l realized at the time he was talking about my life."

I am sure I have used it before when writing about my own life, but it's just so
applicable.Whenever I start to make plans about the way my life will be, it's as
if someone says, "Not so fast, missy!"

I am referring to my plans about my family, and future family. I learned a long time
ago that I have very, very little control over when children come into our family,
and shouldn't count on anything as a certainty. When I was pregnant with Allie,
people would ask, "how many kids are you going to have?," and I would tell them,
honestly, "right now, we're just hoping to have two and then we'll see." My plans of
having six kids, with two years between each of them, had gone out the window,
and I realized I shouldn't expect anything to happen just because I wanted it to.

You'd think I would've learned my lesson four years ago. But, no, here I have been
planning how we'll have two more kids in the next three years, as though I have any
control over it. I must be a slow learner, because I am learning, once again, not to
plan on anything, but to just be grateful for what I have already been given.

The rest of this post is going to be written "journal style," because I know there
are specific details I am going to want to remember someday.

October 13-Found out I was pregnant today. I had been suspicious for several days,
but got confirmation today. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I definitely want to
have another baby, but I'm not sure I am ready tobe pregnant again. Especially since
this was our first month trying. But since I can't have a baby without a pregnancy,
I am happy. I just want to enjoy these next few weeks before I get sick.

October 27- I haven't been sick at all, which is great, but also a little surprising.
Usually by now I am gagging all the time and wondering why I wanted to be pregnant at
all. Today I had some cramping. It wasn't horrible, but there were a few times I
had to go sit down. I also had some very light spotting,and I feel very uneasy. I
know neither of these things is reason for great concern, but I have a feeling that
this pregnancy isn't going to end well.

October 28- Less cramping today, but a little more spotting. I also have felt pretty
nauseated and am unsure what that means. It's sort of like my body is trying to
decide whether or not it wants to stay pregnant. I have spent a lot of time on my
knees today praying for the best course of action, whatever that may be, to happen.
I realized how much I DO want this baby, and prayed that, if possible and if
I have a choice in the matter, that I will be able to carry this baby to term.

October 29-Today my bleeding is heavier. I feel that my prayer has been answered, and
this just wasn't meant to be. I'm sad, but okay. I read that one out of five
pregnancies ends in miscarriage, so the odds were not in my favor, this being my
fifth pregnancy (Chance was a completely different category). I made an appointment
at the OB after talking to a nurse, who confirmed that she believed I am miscarrying
as well.

November 3- I had an ultrasound today that confirmed that there is nothing in my
uterus. I was expecting it, but it was still hard to hear. The good news is that she
saw no reason for a D&C, which I was worried about because my bleeding has never been
all that heavy. They also drew some blood to check my hcg levels, to make sure they
are going down, and I expect to have some closure soon. I also had to go to the
hospital to get a Rhogam shot (I'm B-). I hadn't even thought about that, so I am
especially glad that I made the appointment. It was kind of a hassle, and my leg
ached for several hours, but I feel very lucky that we live in a time when I can
have babies, even though we have different blood types. I have been having major mood
swings, going from feeling very sad to just fine in a matter of minutes. I am looking
forward to closure.

November 4-hcg level=2300, need to repeat tomorrow to make sure it is going down.
Hoping that will be the end of it.

November 6-I got a call from the doctor's office today, and my hcg level actually
went up. But only to 2500, which is not enough of a jump to indicate a viable
pregnancy. Either there is more in the uterus that didn't show up in the ultrasound
(because I wasn't far enough along), or I may have an ectopic pregnancy. This has
produced all kinds of emotions in me. I'm scared, as I have heard some horror stories
about ectopic pregnancies and women losing a fallopian tube as a result. But I am
hopeful that whatever is left will be able to pass without complications. Mostly,
though, I just feel like I need to cry, but my body won't let me. That is
frustrating. I am trying to be positive and realize that I don't have any control
over this situation, and I have, again, spent a lot of time on my knees asking for
help.

Today, more than any day I can remember in a long time, I wish I could take a peak
at the list of things I signed up for in the pre-existence. I'm sure I agreed to
this long, long ago, but I know I would feel better if I could actually see what I
signed up for, and know that I will make it out of this alright. Of course,
the fear is that I won't be able to have any more kids, and I know I'm getting WAY
ahead of myself, but it would be nice to be reassured that that won't be the case.
I guess I am going to have to just have more faith.

November 11- My hcg level went up again, to 2600. I haven't had any bleeding in
almost a week. I am going to have another ultrasound to see if anything shows up.

November 12-The ultrasound, again, showed nothing. She even did an internal
ultrasound and couldn't find anything. I talked on the phone with the doctor tonight,
and he said he believes I do have an ectopic pregnancy, even though they can't see
it. My hcg level should be zero if I were finished miscarrying, so there is really
nothing else to conclude. I am going to have a shot of methotrexate tomorrow that
will, in effect, abort the embryo.

November 13- I had the shot this morning. Now, I guess, we just wait. I shouldn't
have read all the drug facts when I picked up the medication, that was scary. The
drug, methotrexate, is a cancer drug and targets any rapidly dividing cells
(unfortunately, my family knows a thing or two about that). I haven't had many side
effects, but I am bracing myself for anything. Hopefully this really will be all
that I need and will be able to move on.

November 18- I have had some cramping and a little bleeding, but neither have been
too bad. I hope that means the drug is working. I have heard that one woman had to
get the shot three times before it finally worked! I was really nauseated for about
24 hours after the shot (they told me that might happen), but nothing else has been
too bad. My mother-in-law said to me, "you just can't do anything easy, can you?"
I laughed. What else could I do? I know I have had some struggles, but they are
nothing compared with some of my friends and family. Like I said before, I know I
probably signed up for this and I am very hopeful that the worst is over.

My plans for having a baby in June are finished, but I am relaxed, knowing that it
will happen again when the time is right. Thankfully, Jeff and I (usually) don't
have much trouble getting pregnant. I debated whether or not to say anything, but
it's hard to not just pretend that none of this happened (and is still happening).
I didn't write this because I was hoping for sympathy--I am really doing fine
emotionally. But I felt like I have been very open about other parts of my life and
that it would probably be okay to be open about this, too.

My heart has definitely been softened, especially toward my own kids, as I have
realized, yet again, what a miracle a healthy baby (and child) is. Maybe the lesson
I need to learn is to be a better mom to the children I have been blessed with
before I will be blessed with any more. If that is the case, I am okay with that,
because I know they deserve the best mom they can get.