Overdue post

I don't know why I haven't posted in a while. I guess I have just been in a blogging funk and haven't felt like sitting down and writing. "My bad!," as my mom would say.

I was a single mom for two weeks, that was a lot of fun. Jeff and his brothers took a trip down the Colorado River for 10 days (the trip of a lifetime, as the wives were told). He was home for 12 hours before he hopped on a plane and flew to Dallas for the BYU/Oklahoma game. Rough life, huh? I took the kids to St. George for Labor Day weekend, and an Esplin Family reunion, so by the time we were reunited, it had been two weeks since we had seen him for more than a couple of hours. Kyla had pink eye while he was gone, and I was waiting it out, hoping I wouldn't have to take her to the doctor for an antibiotic, and I probably waited too long. Again, "my bad!" Jeff's brother sent him a text from our boys' soccer game while Jeff was in Texas that said, "Damon scored a goal, KyKy has conjunctivitis, and your wife is wearing tight shorts. You're missing all the fun!" Only two of those things were true (at least, I don't think my shorts were tight), but Jeff said it really made him miss his family. It's good to have him home. Although I did get to watch a lot of Lois and Clark on Hulu (what a great show).

I'm 18 weeks pregnant now and not hiding it well at all. Although people are nice, and tell me that I am tiny, Jeff and I both know the truth. It doesn't bother me, though. I'm just so happy not to be puking anymore that I'll take an expanding belly as a trade. Allie has suddenly been very involved in the pregnancy (or at least acknowledging it on a daily basis). She told me the other day, as I was cutting an avocado, that it reminded her of a mom with a baby inside.

Another day, she was in the bathroom as I was getting dressed, and she asked me, "Do you have those same ones for all your babies?"

Confused, I asked, "The same what?"

"The same breasts," she clarified. Obviously she has noticed that my "new" set are looking a little different.

For the most part, I feel really good. I haven't been too anxious at all about this pregnancy, but just feeling like everything is going to be fine. Then a week before I went to St. George, my mom called and told me that my cousin's wife was 20 weeks pregnant with her fourth boy when they couldn't find his heartbeat on the ultrasound. It was confirmed that he had passed away, and she had to deliver a stillborn baby boy. For some reason, this really affected me. I'm not close to this cousin and his wife, but I felt an instant connection with her, and I couldn't help but relive my own experience with a stillborn baby boy. Since then, I have had TONS of anxiety, ranging from something is wrong with the baby to something is wrong with me. Last week I was having a lot of lower back pain, and I was in complete panic mode, sure I was having preterm labor. I tried to calm myself down, listing to myself all the reasons that was absurd, like, I have never had preterm labor with any of my babies, so why should I now? Still, though, it took me several hours to get my brain to believe it.

It all comes back to the lesson I have to keep relearning: no matter what I do, I have no control over what happens with this baby. If he/she is going to have physical or mental disabilities, worrying about it isn't going to change that. If he/she is going to suddenly stop growing, I can't change that either. All I can do is put my trust in the Lord and believe that He knows what is best for me and my family, and let the rest itself out. But, why oh why is that such a hard lesson to learn?

The past few days I have felt better (mentally. My back still hurts.). I feel more willing to give up control and to work on the things I CAN do (like being a better mom to the three kids I do have). I've been listening to "More Holiness give Me" from The Missionary Hymn Project, and was struck really for the first time at just how beautiful the words are. Listen to it sometime if you're feeling overwhelmed. It helped me to realize that I don't have to be perfect right now. I don't have to do everything. I just need to do a little more. Be a little better (like President Hinckley used to always say). Be a little more like my Savior. And so those are the things I have been asking for lately. I defintely need all the help I can get.

Okay. Maybe now you're wishing that I was still on my blogging hiatus after all that. I know posts are boring without any pictures, so here is one from Damon's first day of school. Hopefully, he will fill that doorway (or a lot more of it) by the time he is standing there for his senior year of high school. He is doing great at school, and has four friends (boys, yay!) that he plays with at recess. I focus on that, and not the fact that they play with all the third grade girls, in some kind of competition for the slide. Some kids were made for public school, and Damon is one of them.