Translator Needed

I am convinced that my kids and I are not speaking the same language. What I assume is proper English is coming out of my mouth, but somewhere between my mouth and my children's ears it must transform to Spanish or Japanese or Horse Latin. And we obviously need a translator to help bridge the gap between what I'm saying and what they're hearing. Here are a few examples:

DAMON- I said: "Clean up your bedroom before you leave for school." He heard: "Leave everything exactly as it is."

I said: "You can have some more fruit if you're still hungry." He heard: "Open a package of crackers for yourself."

I said: "Turn off the tv." He heard: "Sit on the couch and watch America's Funniest Home Videos, laughing at the top of your lungs."

ALLIE- I said: "If you're hungry, you can have a banana." She heard: "Hide in the laundry room and help yourself to a pack of fruit snacks."

I said: "Go upstairs and get in the shower." She heard: "Stand in your room naked with your arms folded."

I said: "You can't go next door until your hair is combed and your bed is made." She heard: "Go anywhere, anytime you like."

I said: "Don't forget to bring your bike in the garage." She heard: "Leave your bike out in the rain."

KYLA-I said: "Stop touching Carter." She heard: "Poke Carter in the eye."

I said: "Damon can color on the cereal box. I don't care about that." She heard: "Damon, mom said stop coloring on the cereal box!"

I said: "Don't bother Carter while he's sleeping." She heard: "Climb in bed with Carter and lay by him."

I said: "You can't have any more Gogurts today." She heard: "Open the fridge and get yourself another one."

I said: "Don't touch Carter in the stroller." She heard: "Pinch Carter as hard as you can."

Anyone want the job?