#1 saved

Dear Baby,

Where to start? At the beginning. I knew I wanted another baby. Dad agreed, but he didn't want to wait for a year. He wanted to get you here so we could start enjoying you. I only agreed because I was convinced it would take me several months to get back to normal, and I knew I wouldn't be able to get pregnant as quickly as dad wanted.

Nearly two weeks after I expected to start my period, I finally broke down and bought a pregnancy test on my way home from Amanda's shower. I had the test out, and I went into the bathroom, about to take the test, when I saw the first tell tale signs of my period starting. Relieved, I shared the news with your dad. By morning, though, I wasn't experiencing a typical period, and I decided I would take the pregnancy test just to rule out the slim possibility that I could be pregnant. Instantly, the two lines appeared. I sat, stunned, unsure what to do next. It was the first time I had hoped for a negative pregnancy test, as I just didn't think I was ready to do this all again. Dad came home for lunch, and I shared the news with him, crying and telling him I didn't think I could do this. He assured me that everything would be okay and we should be excited.

For a few days, I lived in denial. It was easier that way. If I didn't think about it, I didn't have to deal with it. By Saturday, the 24th of July, I started bleeding again, and this time I was sure it was the beginning of a miscarriage. I was mostly relieved, but a tiny bit sad, and I was surprised to find that I had actually become a little attached to the idea, but realizing that this was probably God's way of letting me know that we just weren't ready. And I agreed.

We left to go on our family trip, and I still had some bleeding for 4 days, but nothing that would suggest that I was miscarrying. And by the time we returned home, the bleeding had stopped, and the nausea had begun. I started to wonder if it were possible that I was still pregnant. So I took another test. And this one was positive, too. Monday morning, I called my doctor's office and they scheduled me for an ultrasound that afternoon. That was a nerve racking day. I wasn't sure what I wanted to find out, but prayed that whatever the answer was, it would be what was right.

A quick ultrasound revealed that you were, in fact, in there. Small as a blueberry, but a beating heart. And I learned that we really were going to do this all again.

I have felt so many emotions connected with this experience; I wasn't ready to be pregnant. I still have a few extra pounds from Carter that I wanted to lose before doing this again. I wanted to enjoy my baby boy a little more without having to be sick and miserable. And I REALLY didn't want to get fat again so soon.

But I also realize that those are selfish reasons not to have a baby. We have so much love in this home (more than I ever realized) and we are excited. We are lucky to have you coming in seven short months.

And things have not been as bad as before. I have been taking Unisom and B6 every night, and I have only thrown up once so far. I still feel yucky most of the time, but I think I am going to make it through without as many throw ups as previous pregnancies. I am tired a lot, but nothing I can't handle. And my tummy is already sticking out. That's what I get for not getting completely back into shape before doing this again. But your dad has assured me that after you are born I can spend that time getting to where I want to be.

It will still be a few weeks before we share this news with family and friends, but I want you to know how much I love you already. It may not seem real all of the time, but I have done this enough to know what to expect. And you can expect all the love a mother has to offer.