Shocker?

You came here expecting Halloween pictures, right? Well, I'll get to that. But I'm finally ready to write another post.

After I had Carter, Jeff told me he was ready to be done having kids. He said four kids was more than enough for him, and he didn't feel the need to have any more. For the first time, I thought and prayed long and hard about whether or not our family was complete, and I just wasn't convinced. Even when bribed with things like a boob job and a new car if I wouldn't have any more kids (he was kidding. I think.), I just felt like there was one more waiting to come to our family. But not any time soon.

Here are some of the reasons why I felt like we should have one more kid:
1. I have always wanted a little blondie, and our kids seem to get lighter and lighter each time. Maybe #5 would be a towhead.
2. Carter needs a buddy. While Kyla loves and adores him to the point of smothering, she will always want to be doing what Allie is doing. And brother or sister, I would love Carter to have a friend close in age.
3. While I have had my fair share of experiences with pregnancy, I'm sure there are a few things I haven't yet to experience. I would like to give myself every opportunity available to me. Perhaps a C-section would be fun.
4. We have 7 seats in the van. Someone needs to fill that last seat.
5. With two boys and two girls (on earth, that is), we need someone to break the tie, thus giving either Jeff or I the majority when votes are cast.

With the exception of #2, this list is a complete joke, and my decision that I wanted one more baby was in no way based on any of these factors. It was just a general feeling that our family wasn't yet complete.

Jeff wasn't too hard to convince. He just wanted to do it sooner rather than later. He has always had the number 35 in his head as the age HE wanted to be done having kids. And he just turned 34. So his biological clock was apparently ticking.

And so I agreed to go off birth control, just to let my body adjust and get regular again. I was confident that it would be at least six months before we were able to get pregnant (based on past experience--after Chance and after my ectopic pregnancy it took at least 6 months of trying to get pregnant again. My body typically needs a little bit of time to recover).

I'm sure you know what's coming next. But I was shocked to find out that the very first month of FAILING TO PREVENT (not TRYING), I got pregnant. And began the difficult task of living in denial while wanting to puke my guts out all the live long day.

I don't know why, but I didn't want anyone to know (other than my brother and my next door neighbor--a girl needs a few confidants when scheduling doctor's appointments). And so we didn't tell anyone. I thought maybe after the first trimester, I would feel like it. But I really didn't. And so we didn't. It wasn't until a few weeks ago, when it became much harder to conceal physically, did I break the news to my family. But not to my friends via the Blogger world. I did write a couple of posts that I saved as drafts, just for my own record, which I will now publish. If you care to, you can read them HERE and HERE.

Today, though, I decided (as did my sister, who is also a private blogger) it was time to share. I had my 20 week ultrasound today. And it's a little hard to live in denial when you actually see what has been causing the nausea, the weight gain, the heartburn (already?) and the physical pain for the last 4 months. And now that I have passed from denial to acceptance, I can tell you that I'm equal parts excited and terrified.

But ready or not, by March 23rd we are going to be a family of 7 (plus one angel). The big question, is it a boy or girl, will be answered then. Because I was strong and brave and didn't look when I had the choice to find out today.

Oh, and I am definitely feeling like this is it for us. Everyone told me I would just know when it was time. And I think this is it. Maybe that's why I didn't want everyone to know just yet. I wanted to keep it to myself, selfishly, for just a little while.