Happy All My Life

So, there will be no baby named "Cruz." Not that we would have really used that for a name, but it would have been fun to joke about. And as much as I try to be understanding and patient, I can't help but feel a little bummed out.

Couple that with more disappointment in our house hunting, and I found myself having a bad week. Back in March, we found a house that we loved in Provo. It had a finished basement and yard, and had many of the things we look for in a house (3 car garage, big family room next to the kitchen, master bedroom on the main floor, office for Jeff, etc), but we knew we wouldn't be able to pay what the sellers were expecting. To make a long story short, they approached us and offered to lower the price if Jeff would be willing to do some braces for them in return. It seemed like it was meant to be, and we went through the loan process to see how much we could qualify for. We had to make a decision before we left on our cruise, and even though we found a way to make it work financially, neither Jeff or I felt good about it after praying about it. We both felt uneasy, and took that to mean that it just wasn't right. I feel like it was the right house, but not the right time. So, we decided to keep looking. Last week, we went to see some more houses in another neighborhood in Provo that we really like (there are only two neighborhoods in Provo we would consider living in), and were disappointed in both of those, knowing right away that we didn't want either of them.

I know there is a house out there for us, and that we will find just what we want (and not feel sick inside when we think about buying it), and most of the time I am not in a big rush to get out of here. Most of the time, I understand that we are better off staying here at least a few more months (until Jeff gets a raise), and I don't have a problem with it. But every now and then, I get a little anxious. I start to let little things irritate me (like the lack of a dishwasher), and before long, I have mentally composed a long list of things I dislike about where we are at.

That's what happened last week. But to make matters worse, I was already hosting a pity party for myself because I am still not pregnant, so the irritation I allowed myself to feel was magnified severely. Jeff and I were lying in bed one night, and he asked me, "where do you want to live?" I started telling him about how frustrated I had become with the whole house hunting process, and ended up going on and on about everything else that was bothering me. Poor man, never saw it coming. But he was sweet, and assured me that everything will work out, and I know that they will. I just needed to unload, and I did feel much better after getting it all out, although I admitted to him, "that wasn't a very good answer to your question, was it?"

Since that night, I have been thinking a lot about my life and have been feeling very grateful for what we have. I know we are so blessed (beyond what we deserve, in my opinion), and I started feeling ashamed that I had ever let the little things irritate me so much. Yesterday I was rereading President Monson's talk from October conference, Joy in the Journey, and one part really stood out to me. He told the story of a woman named Borghild Dahl who was born with a severe visual impairment. But despite this limitation, she was never bitter, but instead was filled with gratitude for her blessings. At the age of 92 she published a book called Happy All My Life. That's when it hit me--that needs to be my new motto. No matter what, I want to be happy. And not just when we have another baby or when we find the perfect house, but today, right now.

So, now it's a new week. And I have a new goal. A few, actually. I am going to be happy. I am not going to stress about getting pregnant, but am going to enjoy spending time with the three amazing kids I have. I am not going to feel sorry for myself because I don't yet have the house I thought we would by now, but am going to enjoy not having a bigger house to clean. I am going to be happy. Good luck to me!