One Step Forward...Two Steps Back

(Sorry no pictures with this post--I am using the hospital's wireless to write and don't have my pictures accessible).

One step forward, two steps back. That seems to be the way things have gone since we got into the hospital, and it was that way again Sunday evening. Carter had been doing well on the ventilator, although he was having to get more oxygen than they would have liked. Around 5:00, he started having trouble, and there were people running around frantically, taking x-rays, listening to his chest, and paging the neonatologist (never a good sign, right?).

The xray came back showing no major problems, but a lot of "haziness," or areas of the lungs that oxygen wasn't able to get into. He just wasn't getting enough oxygen. The doctor decided he needed a little more support, and had them put him on another ventilator called an oscillator. It is the kind that is used in the NICU with sick babies, and is supposedly more gentle on the lungs. It vibrates back and forth, holding the lungs open and also helping to move the secretions around more, so they don't get stuck blocking the airways. And although he was encouraged that Carter would do well on it, it was a step backward.

An hour or two after he was put on the oscillator, we had a scary moment, probably the worst moment we have had since this sickness started. His O2 level (which is usually around 90) started dropping, and the respiratory therapist turned up his oxygen and used some suction to pull mucus from his airways. She got a couple of clots out, but his oxygen level continued to drop. He was down in the 40's and dropping. She had the mask ready to bag him, as the oxygen was turned up to 100%. Finally, just before she had to bag him, he started coming back up. I just stood by, helplessly, watching and praying that he would recover. What a terrible feeling that was. The good news is that he stopped doing that, and only had minor issues after that.

I think that was the first time I realized just how sick my baby is. The words "Primary Children's" were thrown around if he continued to be unstable. Of course I didn't sleep well that night, and I know it wouldn't have been any better had I been at home, as I was just so worried that was going to happen again. I know it's silly, because he has a nurse with him 24/7 and a respiratory therapist is never than a room away. He is getting the best possible care, and an untrained mommy a few feet away isn't going to make one ounce of difference. Still, it was good to be here with him especially after he had a pretty good night.

By morning, his chest had cleared up a little bit. His right upper lobe is still not getting oxygen (not surprising, apparently, because the tube leading to the right upper lobe is the smallest and most easily blocked), and the doctor can't be sure it isn't a bacterial pneumonia (although he thinks it's strictly caused by the RSV). He had a good day yesterday, not doing any of the scary desats he had done on Sunday. He is now getting breast milk, a full feeding of about 2 1/2 ounces, through his tube every 3 hours.

Because bacterial pneumonia has not been ruled out completely, he is going to stay on antibiotics for the full ten days. So, this morning he had a central line put in so that they won't have to start IV's every day (his little veins just weren't handling the IVs very well). He is stable now, and we are all hoping that we will start to see more improvements so he can slowly be weaned off the ventilator.

Most of the time, I feel okay about things. I am optimistic that everything is going to be okay, and that Carter will make a full recovery. But every now and then, doubt creeps in and I lose some of that optimism. At church on Sunday (after I had heard that he was on a ventilator, but before I saw him), I was a mess. People were asking how he was doing, and I just cried. I was just not feeling like I was handling it very well. The closing hymn in sacrament meeting must have been chosen just for me. It was "Be Thou Humble," and the first verse goes like this:

"Be thou humble in thy weakness, and the Lord they God shall lead thee,
Shall lead thee by the hand and give thee answers to thy prayers.
Be thou humble in they pleading, and the Lord thy God shall bless thee,
Shall bless thee with a sweet and calm assurance that he cares."

It was definitely a tender mercy from above, as I really felt that "calm assurance" that he cared about me, and that he was most definitely aware of my sweet baby. And suddenly, I realized that I didn't feel alone anymore (and I hadn't known I had felt alone before).

I know he still has a long way to go, so my optimism now is carefully guarded, but I also know without doubt that all the fasting and prayers in our behalf are helping. They are not only helping Carter get through this trial, but they are helping me. I feel an immeasurable amount of gratitude for the love that has been shown to our little family. I truly do feel humbled by this experience, and am vowing to be a little better, a little more faithful, and a little more grateful.