Music Outtage

About a week or two before Kyla was born, the stereo in our van shorted out, and since it was less than a year old, it was still under warranty from Panasonic. We sent it in to get fixed and it finally was returned to us earlier this week. If you are trying to do the math in your head, I'll save you the trouble and just tell you--we were without music of any kind in the van for over a month. It was strange, and not as quiet as you may think. Because there was nothing to listen to, Damon and Allie seemed to find twice (or three times) as many things to fight over. It was miserable to put it lightly, and the day the stereo was returned to us in the mail was a day of great rejoicing for all of us.

Now, though, after a month of silence, I am desperately trying to catch up with all that I missed during our music fast. I went as far as to record VH1's top 20 videos just so I could reacquaint myself with the music world. Most of the songs I skipped (maybe I'm getting old, because I just don't appreciate a lot of the popular music these days, and I can't handle most of the music videos), but there were some songs I recognized and even liked. The top two songs were Daughtry's "Home" and Elliott Yamin's "Wait for You." As a fan of American Idol, it's no surprise that I was happy to see that. Also, Kelly Clarkson ("Never Again") and Carrie Underwood ("Before He Cheats") were on the countdown, so that's not bad for the old idols.

Today, as we were running errands, Damon listened to, and tried to sing, Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend." I admit, it is very catchy, but some of the lyrics just made me gulp, as I thought of them coming out of my sweet little boy's mouth. It's amazing how having kids has changed the way I think about music. I regretfully admit that I now understand why my mom objected to a lot of the songs I used to listen to (the one that comes to mind is "Strawberry Wine," still one of my all time favorites). I can't decide how I feel about this, as it makes me wonder when I became such a mom. I always thought that when my kids were teenagers I would be so much cooler than my was and that I would know what music they were listening to because I would like it, too. I'm beginning to realize that the likelihood of this happening is rapidly dwindling, as I jab the buttons on the stereo in frustration, trying to find something we can all listen to comfortably.

Country music is both a little better and a little worse. Some songs are great and fairly objection free, but you also have to deal with songs that talk about checking each other for ticks and ridiculous subjects like that. I have to admit, I really miss the days of NSYNC and The Backstreet Boys, Destiny's Child and Mandy Moore. The transition from "Bye Bye Bye" and "Candy" to "Rehab" and "Buy U a Drank" (both songs on Billboard's top 10) was much too quick for me.

And so, it is with somewhat of a heavy heart, that I admit to myself, my children, and those few of you who are reading this, that I am not going to be a cool mom; I'm going to be like all parents before me, complaining about how the best days, musically and otherwise, are behind us. I figure that since I am admitting this now, while my kids are still young, I will be able to fully accept the role of "crotchety old mom who just doesn't get it" by the time Damon turns 15.

For now, though, if any of you have a favorite song right now that you think I may not have heard of (pretty good chance there), feel free to enlighten me.

Challenge

I was so spoiled during the school year while Damon was at school to have at least an hour or two of quiet time all for myself. As I sit here today, trying to write with all three kids demanding some of my attention, I find myself really missing those days. I remember my mom telling us how much she disliked summer when we were younger and I didn't understand why. Now, even though I only have three kids, I understand exactly where she was coming from. It takes so much effort and planning to get out and do something and it seems so much easier to just stay home. But when we stay home the house gets messy, the kids get restless and I feel like poking pencils in my ears so I don't have to hear all the whining. It's always much worse when Allie doesn't take a nap and I bet you can guess whether or not she took one today. :)

Kyla was awake and happy today so I grabbed the camera and had a quick photo shoot with her (and inevitably Damon and Allie, too). I really wish I knew more about taking pictures because I'm sure someone who is a professional could've gotten some really great shots. Instead, this is what we have to show for our efforts.

While the pictures are loading I am going to free write about some of the things I have been thinking about lately. This will probably be very random and hard to follow, but I don't really care. I just feel the need to purge.

So, we watched Shaq's Big Challenge the other night and I have been thinking a lot about it. If you haven't heard about the show, basically Shaquille O'Neal is trying to help some kids who have been diagnosed as being "morbidly obese," which, in essence, means that these kids are

likely to die earlier than they would otherwise because of their weight. He is going to put them through a physical boot camp to help them, and hopefully save their lives in the process. On the first episode they talked about what a problem we have in the United States with obesity, especially among children and teenagers. Out of the six kids on the show, four of them couldn't do a push up (not one) and three of them couldn't do a sit up. It made me very sad, especially when I saw each of them sitting in the doctor's office being told exactly how much trouble they were in, physically speaking. One girl, a 14 year old, was told that she has 50% fat and is over 100 pounds overweight. Amazing and heartbreaking. Another boy disclosed that he had never eaten a baby carrot. Walter, a 14 year old, admitted that he plays five hours of video games a day and never exercises. And even though I know this is becoming far more common in our country, I still found myself shaking my head wondering how it is even possible.

Now, I don't want to put all the blame on the parents, because the kids are making their own decisions and I don't know enough about their lives at home to make any judgments, but as a mom, I started wondering what more I can do to help my kids to be healthy. I'm not really worried about them being overweight (luckily, they have genetics on their side), but I do want them always to be healthy, and I know that that starts with setting a good example for them. I think we do a pretty good job most of the time, but of course, there are always things we can do better. Here are some of the things I have been thinking about. Please feel free to add any of your own suggestions.

• Drink lots of water. This is something I have been trying to do for a couple of years. For me, I would rather drink water with my meals (instead of juice, lemonade or kool-aid), because those are calories I would rather spend somewhere else (like on ice cream). Jeff is always telling me that juice isn't bad, especially if it's 100% juice, and I agree with him. It's not bad and I like to have a glass of juice occasionally, too, but I have noticed that my kids are fine drinking whatever I offer them. And I am constantly telling Damon that water is the very best thing he can put into his body. There is a girl in our ward who is Damon's age that recently had to have a lot of dental work done. Her mom was explaining to me that she is allergic to milk and has mostly only had juice to drink during her five years (apparently, the mom can't get her to drink water). I'm really glad my kids are willing to drink water and I hope this is something I can encourage all their lives.
• Teach them to eat until they are full, not until all the food on their plate is gone. Sometimes I feel like Damon races through dinner so he can have a popsicle (or whatever he has his eye on) and doesn't truly get full. But I think it's the best way for him to figure out for himself just how much food his body needs. Even if I don't think it's enough, if he is willing to have nothing but water until our next meal (or snack) then I don't stress about how much he eats. Going along with that, we've also been pretty strict about not offering choices other than what we are eating. If the kids choose not to eat it, and they're willing to go hungry, then that is their decision to make. There aren't snacks (or worse, dessert) later on and for the most part, our kids are good eaters. Hopefully that is something that will continue, too.
• Serve healthy meals. This is, and probably always will be, one of the challenges facing moms and it is something I know I need to focus on a little more. We have been pretty good about eating whole grains and other foods high in fiber, but we can always do better. We go through phases when we're really good about fresh fruit and vegetables and I know we need to work on that again. Recently, I have been trying to cut down on the amount of red meat that we eat. This is hard, because I grew up eating a lot of beef and there's nothing I like more than a juicy steak (and I don't plan on giving those up any time soon, although I'll only have one every couple of months, so it's not that big of a deal). However, I have found that turkey is a great substitute. Ground turkey is cheaper than ground beef (usually) and there is not enough of a difference to miss the beef. The other day I found turkey breakfast sausage, which isn't exactly good for you, but it does have 30% less fat than regular breakfast sausage. Also, my mom introduced me to turkey pepperoni, which tastes great and has 70% less fat than regular pepperoni (okay, maybe those last two aren't exactly substitutes for red meat, but they are healthier options than some of the things we've been eating).
• Encourage them to be active. I feel strongly that our kids should be involved in physical activities throughout their lives. I'm not picky, and I am willing to let them choose what they want to do. Damon has really been vocal about wanting to do gymnastics and I know that I need to put him in a class, but it's hard when I feel like we just don't have the money(we don't). But I am planning on making this a part of our lives and am really looking forward to the day that we are actually making money, instead of living off of loans. Also, I am still looking for a gymnastics class for Damon that we can afford, and am more motivated to find one now that I have been thinking of ways I can help him develop healthy habits.
• Lead the way. I have noticed that when I am exercising, my kids are excited about joining in. It's hard to feel motivated myself sometimes, but I'm going to do better about exercising here at home (yay for Lifetime workouts that I can record and do later) and my goal is at least four mornings a week. Check back to see if I make it.

Wow, that turned into a lot more than I even planned on. If you're still reading, I applaud you and am somewhat amazed. Like I said earlier, if you have any tips you'd like to share, I welcome them. In the meantime, I'm excited to find out which of the kids on Shaq's show can really make some serious changes that will impact the rest of their lives (hopefully all six of them will be able to). Maybe I'll even do some sit-ups while I'm watching.

p.s. Allie is asleep on my lap, Kyla is asleep on my bed, and Damon is hiding in the tent he created around me with blankets. It may not be what I'm used to, but it is a "little piece of quiet," and I'm going to soak it up for a couple of minutes more before my legs fall asleep and I have to move Allie to the bed.

Refi

Thanks for the reminder, Noel. Here's the story...

There's a commercial on tv all the time about a "no cost refi," and for some reason, Damon and Allie think it's funny. Allie started saying it and when I laughed at her, it only encouraged her that much more. Well, a few days ago we were reading the children's Book of Mormon stories and I was pointing out who Nephi was. A few minutes later, Allie held the book up so I could see, pointed to Nephi, and called him "No Cost Refi." Close.

Kyla and Bexley

So, my friend Stephanie borrowed an idea from a friend of hers where she posted pictures of her son at one week and one month posing by the same stuffed animal so you could see how much he had changed. I love the idea and I am going to borrow it too. The first picture is of Kyla (and Allie's beloved Baby Bexley) at one week old.

The next is at one month old, just a couple of days ago.

There isn't as much difference as I thought there would be (besides the obvious lack of a belly button stump in the second one). She has gained almost two pounds since the first photo, but, lucky girl, seems to hide it very well. I hope that is a trait she carries with her throughout her life.

Okay, I have much more to say, but I will save it for later. I just wanted to get this post up.

Baby Tyson

The other night we got to watch Greg and Noel's little boy, Tyson. He was supposed to sleep the whole time, but he didn't want to miss out on all the fun with the cousins. Here is a shot of him with the girls. Doesn't Allie look thrilled to have him here?

Damon wanted to hold him, but was a little surprised at how heavy he was compared to Kyla. It didn't stop him, however.

Tyson is the Trapnell family's miracle baby (the product of a third attempt at in-vitro for Greg and Noel) and we think he was worth the wait (and "weight." He is four and half months old and pushing 20 pounds!). How can you not love that smile? Even though this isn't the best shot of Kyla, I had to post it because it's just too cute of Tyson.

More pics of guess who

I noticed a very sad fact--I have barely any pictures of Kyla with Jeff and/or me. And so today I decided to snap a few to prove that she actually has a mother who holds her (and not just a very clingy big brother and sister). Of course I had to use the self-timer so I had very little control over what she was doing when the pictures snapped, but here is one that I liked. Minus the spit-up running down her face.

Here's one of her that I liked, even though she's not quite as chubby as this makes her look. She smiled a few times at me, as if to say that she wasn't totally against the impromptu photo shoot, and I managed to catch this half-smile.

She's actually still pretty skinny, as you can see in this wonderful crying shot.

Here is one of her asleep in her carseat. I recommend the Kiddopotamus headrest--it has been great and her head rarely falls over. It's a little pricier than the regular headrests, but it's worth it. We also take it out at home and put it in the swing so she can be snuggled in there, too. She doesn't sleep great in her carseat, unlike a lot of babies I know who always sacked out in there, but she does alright. Usually she'll cry a little in the car but nothing too out of control.

So, that's it for today. Kyla has a poopie diaper and is patiently waiting for me to come change her. One last thing. Damon and Allie are annoying sometimes with how much they love her, but how can it not be good for someone to hear things like, "Kyla! You're a beauty!" everyday?

my mouth

A word about communication. It's obviously important to make sure we are understanding one another and Allie made that clear to me the other night. I don't know if you struggle with your kids the way we do with ours, but we are always "reminding" Damon and Allie that they need to keep their food in the kitchen or dining room. They just can't seem to remember and our carpet is proof of that. The other night, I found Allie drinking her milk in the family room again. Remaining calm, I took her cup from her, put it on the small table in the kitchen, and asked, "Where do we drink our milk, Allie?" Fully expecting her to recite our rule about only eating food in the kitchen as she has so many times before, I was a little caught off guard when she looked up at me with those big eyes and said, "In my mouth." How could I not smile at that?

Update, mostly for me

I think it's a combination of having a new baby and the onset of summer that has completely ruined the routine I worked so hard to create during the rest of the year. I really have no excuse for not blogging more (or writing more, as I have managed to find time to post videos and pictures) and I am gradually working back to doing all the things I want to do.



However, in the meantime, I still haven't written (anywhere) about what it's been like having a new baby in the house, and Kyla is fast approaching one month old. Shame on me. She'll grow up feeling like a typical third child who didn't get any of mom's attention, not nearly enough pictures taken to prove she had a childhood, and nothing but hand-me-downs from her big sister. To be fair, I am busy and as if to prove the point, I have to go hold the crying baby now and will have to finish this post later.

Alright, back at it...

The past three plus weeks have been everything I knew they would be. I am running on far less sleep than I have been used to having, yet somehow I manage to make it through each day. Kyla has had some good nights and some bad (fortunately, more good than bad). Three nights ago she even slept from 11:30 pm to 5:45 am! Wow! She stirred once around 3:00 and I got her up to nurse her, but by the time I got her out of bed, she had fallen back to sleep. When I woke up and it was starting to get light, I panicked for a quick minute, worried that she hadn't made it through the night. I am really looking forward to the day that all nights are like that. Two nights ago, bothered by a stuffy nose, she woke up every hour or two and had a hard time with both the binkie and nursing. That was a tough night for me. Last night was a little better. More typically, she will sleep three hours at a time and then wake up. I'm not convinced that she always wakes up because she's hungry (she hasn't been the most voracious nurser in the middle of the night), but I feed her anyway. Sometimes she will have a messy diaper, but unlike Damon, she doesn't need to be changed with every feeding (we'll see if that changes). Occasionally she won't make it three hours at a time, but we usually make it through the night with two feedings. I have found that the most tired I feel is always at around 7:00 or 8:00 am when the other two kids want to get up. Of course.

Okay, I know that was probably really boring, but I wanted to have some record of that for the future. Also some things of note:

• Kyla is awake a lot more than Damon and Allie were. From day one, she would have several awake periods a day (usually about 4) where she was calm. I don't know how unusual that is for some of you reading this, but I remember my other babies only being awake and calm right before messing their diapers.
• Now, she can stay awake a little over an hour at a time. Usually by the end of the hour she has started getting fussy, but she loves her binkie and that helps with those times.
• She is almost always awake when I am trying to get dinner ready, and this is one of her "not calm" periods. She doesn't cry a lot, but enough to let me know that she's not going to be comforted unless I am holding her and giving her my undivided attention, which has made getting dinner ready a little bit tricky.
• She also really wakes up in the evening. Sometimes she is happy and sometimes she isn't, but right after the kids go to bed, she is awake.
• Sometime during the evening she gets fussy and I have to pull out all the tricks to keep her happy (bouncing, walking around the house, letting her lay on the bed and have a good cry by herself...). But usually by her last feeding of the day (11:00 or so) she has calmed down and is ready for bed.
• She likes to have her hands out by her face, but slept really well swaddled, so I am undecided on the best way to put her to bed. This needs some more experimenting.
• She took a bottle from Jeff on Wednesday night just fine (yay!) and I'm hoping that will continue. She has always been a good nurser, which is a huge blessing.
• Today she weighed 9 lbs 14 oz at her appointment. I checked Allie's record and she weighed 9 lbs 15 oz at one month (Kyla will be one month on Sunday).
• Not only has she been awake a lot since birth, she has also smiled at us a lot when she was awake. I think this is a little unusual, too, as I don't remember my other two doing that until later on. It may be that she's just awake more so we notice it, but I like to believe that she actually is smiling at us. I love it. For a while I thought she only smiled at Damon and Jeff, but she's been giving me a few beautiful grins lately, so maybe she does like girls, too.

Wow, that ended up being more than I planned on, but I think I will be happy to have a record of it later on. Mostly, I have thoroughly enjoyed having a baby again. Of course it's hard and there are moments when I think I'm going to lose my mind, but the good things far outweigh the bad and we feel so lucky to have been blessed with such a wonderful, healthy little addition to our family.

Yellow Star

I have been terrible about reviewing the books I have read lately (I have been reading, but as the list of books I have finished continues to grow, the likelihood of me writing about them decreases dramatically), but I did want to write a little about a book called Yellow Star by Jennifer Roy. I have read a lot of books about the Holocaust (Number the Stars, The Devil's Arithmetic, etc.), but this one is different from any of the others that I have read. It's written all in verse from the point of view of a child who lived in Lodz ghetto in Poland with her family. It's also a true story based on the author's aunt's experiences. It's really a quick read because of the way that it's written and it's an amazing story. Roy captured beautifully what it's like to be a child and the poetry is simple, yet beautiful. Here is one of my favorite parts of the book.

Love

Dora came home from work in a bad mood.
Mother and Papa are tired.
I miss my real doll.
And we are all hungry.
But there is not enough food for dinner.
Mother does not eat her meal.
She gives it to me instead.
She does not say "I love you" in hugs and kisses,
but her love fills up my plate,
and I gobble it up.

Papa says Mother is a noble woman.
He tells me,
"From pain your mother gave you life,
through pain she continues to give."
I think about Papa's words as I finish my broth.
It hurt Mama to give me life? Why?
Didn't I just pop out of her belly button?
I guess I think these words out loud, because
suddenly everyone is looking at me.
Then they all burst into laughter.
Papa, Dora, even Mother.

"Syvia, you are a tonic
for helping us forget our pain,"
says Papa,
and they all smile at me.
Their love fills the air around me,
and I gulp it down.

Damon singing

So, last night at FHE we had Damon sing a few of his preschool songs for the camera. I was a little nervous when he started preschool at a Baptist church at the beginning of the year, but it was a good experience for him, and therefore, for me. This is him singing "I Am A Promise," which was one of their graduation songs.



Photo Sharing - Upload Video - Video Sharing - Share Photos

At graduation, there was a giant screen on which they showed the graduation pictures of all the kids, along with what they want to be when they grow up. Damon's said, "When I grow up I want to check out food." Yes, he has aspirations of working at the grocery store. Also, a word about his hair in the video clip--he combed it himself before FHE and thought he looked great. We cut it today so it's not so long, but in case you were wondering about his slicked look, that's the explanation. He asked, "Do I look like someone stepped on my head?"

One quote from Allie

I was nursing Kyla the other day and Allie came in.
"I want to hold you," she said. Then, noticing Kyla on my lap, pointed to the coffee table behind her and said, "Baby Kyla sit right there."

Because Heather asked...

So, Heather wanted to see a picture of me just before having the baby. Now that that is behind me, I guess I will oblige. This was two weeks before giving birth, but I didn't really gain any weight the last two weeks, so I am confident in saying that this is as big as I got. If you are wondering, it was 40 inches around the biggest part. Wow!





And here is a cute one of Allie and me in the hospital. I cut my hair a couple weeks ago, if you are wondering. I was tired of asking Damon to stop playing with it and I thought it might be better if it were shorter. There hasn't been a big difference.

I also realized that I didn't have any pictures of me with Kyla (besides the ones from the hospital when she was just born), so I had Kimmy take a few yesterday. Here is one of those.

And here is one of Kimmy with the kids. What would we have done without her? She babysat a lot, she would get up with the kids in the morning and get them breakfast if I was tired (which, of course, I always was) and would do Allie's hair every day. Not to mention she kept Damon entertained, which is a full time job. She was a huge help and it was well worth the money we spent to fly her out here. We miss you already, Kimmy!

And I can't leave my mom out. She left yesterday (with Kimmy) and now I'm on my own with three kids. When will I be ready to leave the house? That remains to be seen. I just know that Damon shed a few tears yesterday on the way home from the airport (although I don't know which one of us cried more) and we can't wait to see them again!

Video

Photo Sharing - Upload Video - Video Sharing - Share Photos

Well, you know that none of the pictures I have posted look that much like baby Kyla so here is a video clip so you can see what she actually looks like. We all think she has my sister, Heather's, eyes. I know it's not much, but this is definitely the most like what she looks like, so enjoy.

Photo Sharing - Upload Video - Video Sharing - Share PhotosAnd here is a video of Allie singing "I am a Child of God." Don't mind the fact that she's sitting on the toilet. I just couldn't resist. Her falsetto is especially nice.

A couple more

I haven't posted very many pictures of the baby, so here are a couple more. Here is Kyla holding Jeff's finger. She has four or five times a day when she is awake and alert. It is fun and I don't remember either of my other kids being so calm and alert this early.

In this one, I know it looks like she's crying, but she was actually smiling. Not necessarily at Allie, but in her general direction.

One of her relaxing on her Boppy.

Graduation Day

Today Damon graduated from preschool. My mom and sister took Damon and Allie to his graduation ceremony (which was the classes singing a couple of songs and getting presented with a certificate of achievement before the procession outside). I'm sad that I missed it, but Kimmy video taped it so I could watch. A couple weeks ago Damon had his picture taken in cap and gown and how could I resist this picture?

Here are Damon and Isaac holding their "diplomas."

In other news, we're doing good here at home. Kyla had a rough start (she didn't sleep very well at all in the hospital, and consequentially, neither did I), but has loved being home. She has slept in her bed the last two nights and has had at least one stretch of three hours uninterrupted both nights. That is a big improvement for us and I am feeling much more capable during the day.

Here are some things that have been on my mind. Things I don't love about having a new baby:

1. Lack of sleep. It's hard being tired all the time and having no idea what to expect, but

2. The sore body. From the contracting uterus every time you nurse to the other pains you feel when the pain medication wears off, having a baby is hard on the body.

3. The adjustment of a milk to baby ratio. I would actually take the sore body over the sore chest any day. Kyla is a good nurser, but she can't even begin to keep up with the milk I am producing right now. And it is painful!

4. Every time I sit down to eat, babies think they should be eating too. You start thinking that it's not a meal without a baby on your lap.

But here are some things that I love about having a new baby:

1. Snuggling with a newborn. I know they have no choice because they can't even hold their own heads up, but it's so much fun to have a tiny baby fall asleep on your shoulder.

2. The facial expressions. Kyla has smiled at us a few times, and even though I'm not 100% convinced she knows what she is doing, it is the sweetest thing.

3. The way they recognize voices. Kyla has turned to look for Damon a couple of times when she hears him laugh. We don't need a hearing test to tell us that she has been listening to us for the past several months.

4. The incredible feeling of love you get when you are taking care of this tiny, helpless person. There are a lot of emotions that come with having a baby, but love is the strongest of them all. I am amazed at how much love I feel, not only for the baby, but for all my kids. It's awesome.

Okay, here is a pic of the three kids. Allie has liked having a baby (she "wants to hold it" occasionally), although she has enjoyed the baby's swing 10 times more. Damon, though, has been so loving and has held the baby several times a day since we've been home. It makes me a little crazy how he keeps sniffing her and always has to be right up in her face, but I love that he loves her and I really try to encourage him to love her hands and feet more than anything.

Baby pic

You know how it is, no picture that you take of a newborn looks that much like them, but this is the best we could do. Her hair is a tad darker than this shows, but not much. More details to come, but we're home now and all doing well, although very tired.

Kyla Collette Trapnell is here!!

Hi everyone, this is Heather, Krystal's sister. I got all the details, I'll tell ya everything I know!! Krystal can fill in the rest when she gets back.

First of all, everything went great, and mom and baby are doing well. The hospital called at 5:00 a.m. to say they were too busy then, but later, around 8:00 a.m. they called and said they were ready!! So Jeff, Krystal, and my mom headed to the hospital while Kimberlee stayed with Damon and Allie. They started Ptsoin around 9:30, and she got her epidural around 11:00. By 12:45 Krystal was dilated to a 5, but by 2:15 she was a 9!! Nice! She started pushing around 2:30, and the nurses were coaching her a bit (she had to do some pushes while on her side, Kyla was coming out sideways.) Anyway, she said her epidural had almost worn off, and she was feeling lots of pressure. Once the doctor came in, it only took about 3 pushes and Kyla was out!! She got to spend about an hour with Krystal and Jeff, then they took her and weighed and measured her.

She weighs 7 pounds 4 ounces and is 19 inches long. (Krystal says that's almost exactly what Allie weighed, at 7 pounds 2 ounces.) She also said Kyla does not have much hair, and she is very light skinned. Can't wait for pictures!! Oh yes, one last thing, Collette is Jeff's mom's middle name. And Krystal likes that "Kyla" comes from all the letters of Krystal's name. Congratulations to Jeff and Krystal, and welcome to the world, baby Kyla!

Update

So...no baby yet. I am basically where I was last week (dilated to 4, 50% effaced), but the good news is that she should be here tomorrow. My blood pressure is creeping up and my doctor decided it was borderline reason to induce so as long as the hospital isn't too busy tomorrow morning, we should be good to go. Yay! Three cheers for an epidural and no rushing to the hospital in the middle of the night (as long as she cooperates). I will try to have someone post the details when she gets here (want to volunteer, Heather?), but for now I am going to enjoy my last night large and in charge.

Waiting

So, today I am officially pregnant longer than I ever have been before. Allie came 9 days early, Damon was three weeks early and Chance was 4 months too early. I don't know what to do with myself! The waiting is so hard, especially knowing that it could happen at any time. Every little pain I feel I start wondering, "Is this it?," but so far it hasn't. I don't think it would be so bad, either, if I hadn't been so lightning quick last time, either. I don't sleep very well, wondering if I'm going to wake up suddenly with contractions and have to rush to the hospital. During the day, it's not so bad, because I'm basically ready to go, but as soon as the sun starts going down at night, I start feeling anxious and nervous about not getting through the night. It's really a terrible feeling and I will be glad when this part is over.

The other hard thing about the waiting is that I really don't have anything planned to do every day. We didn't go to the beach yesterday because I was worried about being so far from the hospital. Jeff and Damon didn't go to Fathers and Sons last weekend because I was worried about them being an hour away. Jeff has had the last couple of days off and we're all just sitting around, not wanting to do anything but wait. It's getting maddening...

Okay, well, I'm sure that when this baby finally decides to come I will laugh about complaining about TOO much free time, but that's just the way it is right now. This baby may be waiting for my mom and Kimmy, who come Tuesday, so I will try to just enjoy myself until then. Wish me luck...

MOM

I realize that I completely neglected to mention Mother's Day in any of my last posts. But you may have caught on that my feelings about motherhood haven't been entirely positive lately and so I skipped right over it. Today, though, has been a good day. My friend, April, came over this morning and picked my kids up so I could spend the day doing whatever I wanted to do. Isn't that awesome? I had a doctor's appointment (for which, sadly, I had to wait too long) and then went to get my hair cut. I had lunch with Jeff and have spent the last hour sitting in my quiet house (not entirely clean, but very quiet) enjoying these precious moments and feeling a little bit better about being a mom (in case you are wondering, I am dilated to a 4 and am 50% effaced, so this baby could come quickly and at any time!).

All I have ever wanted to do since the time I was little was be a mom. Like most of the other girls in my El Ed major at BYU, we were constantly looking forward to our real careers as mothers. I have never wanted to work and I never intend to (unless something unforeseen happens, of course), but hope to fill my days just the way I do now--by taking care of my family. Most of the time, I really love what I do. It's hard and frustrating and at times I don't feel appreciated, but it's so worth it. I really am looking forward to having another child to love and to watch her own personality blossom before my eyes, despite all the things I may have said to the contrary. Damon and Allie make me crazy but I can't imagine loving anyone more. I think that's my favorite thing about motherhood--how much my capacity to love has increased (I feel a little like the Grinch whose "heart grew three sizes that day"). Love definitely makes life worth living and enjoying.

I also want to give a little shout out to my own mom. She is coming to Jacksonville in six days and I cannot wait. It's true that you learn the most from those who are least like you, and my mom and I are very different people. That being said, most of the good things I have learned in my life have come directly from her. She's an amazing, friendly, righteous, caring person and I am constantly reminded how I can improve when I am around her. I love you, mom, and can't wait to see you and your new haircut! I hope I will have the same type of relationship with my own girls as they grow up and start families of their own.

Okay, I know I posted this a while back on my old blog, so if you read it then, don't feel like you have to read it now. This is just a little essay on Motherhood I was dabbling with and I felt like sharing again (one part is new, if you were wondering).

My Greatest Challenges, My Greatest Blessings

Motherhood changes your life. I can’t imagine a greater understatement than that. Of all the things that have been meaningful in my life, nothing comes close to my experiences as a mother, both in a negative and positive way. Somewhat surprising, though, has been my rediscovery of emotions that I thought I had, at the very least, outgrown.

Making the transition from girlhood to womanhood, for me, was one of the least pleasant experiences of my life. It seemed my emotions were dangerously close to the surface; I was ready to lash out in anger or cry in despair at a moment’s notice. Gradually, though, I adjusted to the myriad of changes taking place inside and became confident in my ability to deal, healthily, with whatever life had to throw at me. Then I became a mother. And with the joys of motherhood came opportunities to experience an array of emotions again.

ANNOYANCE

While I remember, at times during my childhood, seeing my mother irked by something I did, I am sure I had no idea how annoyed she could’ve possibly been by me and my siblings. It seems that I am constantly reminding myself to look for the good in my children, instead of being annoyed with the blatantly obvious. Why must my son spill his drink all over the table at seemingly every meal? Why does my daughter think my chasing her down the street barefoot is the most hilarious thing she’s ever encountered? Why can a perfectly clean house be torn apart in mere minutes, as though a tidal wave has swept through?

For once, I would like to get dressed or use the bathroom without having to lock the door. I would like to have a conversation with a loved one on the phone without having to shoo my children away. I would like to take a bubble bath in peace, without dreading the knock and the inevitable, “Can I get in, too?”

In a perfect world, the hour before dinner would be free from whining, toys would find their way back to their proper homes on the own, and every quiet moment of the day wouldn’t be filled with someone saying, “watch me.” In a perfect world, food would always end up in my children’s mouths, not on their face, clothes and recently mopped floor. In a perfect world, my son wouldn’t freak out every time I leave the room, my daughter wouldn’t verify the contents of her diaper by sticking her finger inside, and my children wouldn’t play with everything in the house besides the toys in their bedroom.

But I don’t live in a perfect world; I live in my world. And in my world, I am annoyed far more often by my children than I am amused by them. It seems as though I am defined, more so than by anything else, as a mother; not as a woman with talents and limitless capabilities, but by the mundane tasks I perform, and am annoyed by, daily.

DELIGHT

At some point in my life, the magic of childhood was gone. Santa Claus, The Tooth Fairy and The Easter Bunny were distant memories and the playground that once looked so big and full of possibilities became small and very, very ordinary. But when I had children, some of that magic returned as I began to see the world through their eyes.

The smile on my face couldn’t possibly stretch any wider than it did when my son first shrieked in delight as he watched a guinea pig scrambling around its cage. I had forgotten how amusing animals could be. I had also forgotten how hilarious cartoons could be, until Damon laughed so hard watching “Tom and Jerry” that I thought he might need to be resuscitated. And who knew that changing a doll’s diaper repeatedly could be the most exciting thing you had ever done?

When my son announced, “I’m never, ever, ever going to give up Christmas” with complete solemnity, I swallowed a lump in my throat. When I decide that it’s time for a bath, and my daughter responds with her dance of joy, my heart quickens. The boa-like hug of gratitude for the perfect gift brings tears to my eyes as their happiness becomes my own. When my daughter falls asleep, her hand tightly wrapped around the strings of Valentine’s Day balloons, I can’t help but giggle. And when I see them getting excited together, over blowing out candles on a birthday cake, it’s almost too much for me to take.

There’s something about the smiles on their faces that speaks volumes about how genuinely happy they are, and somewhere deep inside, I am delighted, too. Those are the moments when the child within me begs to be let out; those are the moments I live for.

ANGER

I have dealt with feelings of frustration all of my life. However, it was only after becoming a mother that my frustration began blossoming into anger. Nothing has made me more upset than the sneakiness my son has already become accustomed to. At only four years old, he has discovered that telling the truth only gets you into trouble, while sneaking and lying, most of the time, gets you what you want. When I found a drawing of a man, beautifully drawn in red marker, on the wall in the kitchen, I made the mistake of asking if he had done it. Graciously, he tried to pass the blame onto his little sister, who is only one, and whose drawings are slightly less detailed than the smiling man in the kitchen. This in itself made me a little angry, but had it been the end of it, I would’ve been able to forget about it.

A few weeks later, we found more drawings on the wall, this time conspicuously hidden in our children’s room. In four different places, the words DAMON ALLIE PRDE appeared, the remnants of a party that had apparently been held. He didn’t try to lie about that one, but the sneakiness he had employed made the anger burn more fiercely inside. I even heard him telling his friend, “Sometimes when my mom says no, I just sneak it.” Consider the temperature of my blood rising another degree.

Most recently, on our drive home from the grocery store, I saw him opening a package of string cheese and I told him, calmly and rationally, that we were having dinner soon and he couldn’t eat it. I don’t know why I expected to be obeyed, when his previous history does nothing to suggest that he found my argument rational, but I did. And so, of course, when the cheese was eaten a moment later, I felt something inside snap. I wanted to smack that little face that sat there so defiantly, challenging me to become someone I don’t even know, much less enjoy.
After every outburst of anger, I feel the inevitable guilt that is always close behind. I promise myself that I won’t let my frustration get the better of me, and that I will find a way to keep my anger from showing. But then I find a decorative pillow sitting on the couch, Damon’s name written boldly across the back in black pen, and I lose it all over again.

“My greatest challenges call me Mommy.”

HUMILITY

Walking hand-in-hand with the guilt I feel for all the negativity I feel about my children, I am humbled by the opportunity to be a mother. Never have I uttered a more true phrase than during the delivery of my second child. “I can’t do it,” I said, over and over, wishing there was some other option available to me. At times, I have struggled with thoughts that I can’t possibly be a good mother; I’m not patient enough, I don’t discipline in the correct way, I’m not fun enough, I don’t have the energy. Why is it that motherhood has brought me to my knees in a way that nothing else has? I am constantly humbled by my sheer lack of qualifications.

There must be someone better, someone more qualified to raise my children--someone who wouldn’t lose their temper when repeatedly disobeyed, someone who would cheerfully wash and fold the endless piles of laundry that demand my attention, someone who doesn’t need a moment’s privacy. But when I look around, I see there’s no one else. There’s no one else who will do my job, and by process of eliminating all other candidates, that leaves me as the best possible mother for my children. And that may be the most humbling feeling of all.

EMPATHY

Nothing can tear at your heartstrings more than watching helplessly as one of your children suffers. A visit to the emergency room can be terrifying as you realize that you are no longer in control of what is happening in your child’s life. The tears running down your child’s cheeks might as well be yours, so wholly do you share the pain they are enduring. You recognize immediately how much you care for this imperfect person, who only hours before you thought you’d like to send to live with someone else.

When Damon was three, he had an accident with a shopping cart that left us in the emergency room, trying to determine what course of action, if any, was needed to protect his private parts. I had never seen him so scared, and in turn, had never been so scared myself. I could sense how, despite all his anxieties, he trusted me completely, knowing that I would never ask him to do something if it wasn’t for his own good.

My heart has never been as full as it was during this, and other times of suffering. It’s almost too much to bear; you know you would do anything to take away the pain, even take it upon yourself, if it meant your little one wouldn’t have to suffer. It is in these moments of worry and despair that I have felt the closest to heaven. As imperfect as I may be, I love my children more fiercely than I ever imagined it was possible to love anyone, and I catch a glimpse of just how much God must love me. Being a mother has changed me in the most profound way; it has brought me closer to God.

I will admit, there are many occasions when I wonder why on earth I chose this path in life. Why would I choose to do something that, unanimously agreed upon, is the most difficult thing a woman could ever undertake. The heightened emotions I have felt haven’t always been pleasant; in fact, most of the time, I would do anything to feel “normal” again.

But as I think about the ways that being a mother has changed me, and how experiencing both the highs and the lows of motherhood have made me into a better, more patient, loving person, I know that I would do it all again. I dread the day when there are no more little voices echoing through the house; I am constantly surprised with my children’s wit, their exuberance, and their life. I will miss open-mouthed kisses, hugs that let me know that they want no one else, and tender prayers said in my behalf. For all of the challenges motherhood has provided, for the depth of emotion that I have only begun to appreciate, I know that I wouldn’t change a thing.

“My greatest blessings call me Mommy.”