For example, In order to be a good mother, you will have to do the following:
1. Have an advanced knowledge of the human body (medical school training preferrable) and be able to judge between every day aches and pains and life and death emergencies, as you may need to distinguish between the two almost daily.
The fine print: Knowing a few simple phrases, such as, "Is there blood?," and "If it were broken you wouldn't be able to walk on it" will help tremendously when determining how severe an injury is. Must be willing to respond to statements such as "my bum crack hurts" with "let me see."
2. Must possess a vivid imagination and be willing to come up with unique scenarios for imaginary play.
The fine print: A basic knowledge of Disney movies is enough to get you by. "Let's pretend we're deer walking out onto ice for the first time..."
3. Cooking skills are a must. You will spend many hours each day planning and preparing gourmet meals for a number of different tastes.
The fine print: No matter what you make, someone isn't going to like it. Mix in the occasional chicken nugget and tator tot night to appease the children and spend the rest of the time making things that you like. Learn well the phrase, "You can be finished, but you'll only get water the rest of the night."
4. While cleaning may not be considered a skill, you will need to be able to do it very well. And very often.
The fine print: Learn the "quick straighten and vacuum" technique. It will help things appear clean, while spraying air freshener in the bathroom can buy you at least another week.
I could go on and on, but fear of boredom prevents me. What fine print would you wish you had read early on?
13 comments:
I love your posts. They are so creative, and you are a very good writer. I have trouble expressing myself on paper or keyboard. The fine print that needs to be included is "fair is not always equal." Some of your kids might require more attention so you have to juggle making each child feel equally loved.
This is my current problem with the fine print included: You will need to be competent enough to take two children to the grocery store at one time. Fine print: You must possess monkey arms. While one child is running away from you down a crowded aisle with carts swerving left and right, the other is pulling on your legs, screaming and wanting you to hold them while you are balancing a carton of milk, cheetos and pudding pops in the other arm (because your cart is already full with winter coats, a diaper bag, and the huge box of shelving you need to control the massive amount of toy overflow from the playroom.)
This post needs to go directly into a book called "The Fine Print, 50 qualifications to become a mother." All you need to do is think of 46 more and you are set for a best seller. Thank you for the sweet card. You are an amazing friend too.
Qualification: A good mother must read the equivalent of nine books to her child every day.
Fine Print: If your child can't read, they won't know if you skip sentences. You may even get away with skipping pages. A baby doesn't care if you read her a Dr. Suess or Harry Potter. Might as well read something that interests you. Finally, no one says your big kids can't help read to the little ones. Now go tackle that enormous laundry pile.
Qualification: A competent mother must be aware of her child's whereabouts at all times.
Fine Print: You will most likely develop bat-like radar hearing that will not allow you to forget where your child is, you will probably be able to hear her breathing, sneezing or spitting out her binky at 3 a.m. in a dead sleep. This radar hearing will come in handy when she is a toddler.
Those are funny- my brain is mush and I can't contribute, but it is a great idea for a book. Go for it Krystal.
Qualification: The shape of your body will change slightly after a few rounds of having said children.
Fine Print: Your belly will jiggle like a bowl full of jelly and your boobs will head south indefinitely. Anything else that happens is just an added bonus!!
Krystal- Have you heard anything on the reunion? It is supposed to be the senior class that takes care of it, but I haven't heard. Let me know!
-Kortney
You are too funny Krystal! The book was actually my first thought too. I can already see it featured on the Mother's Day table at Deseret Book next year :-)
Also, I'm with Kortney on the reunion. Do you think it's going to happen?
Qualification: You must appear happy at all times.
Fine Print: you will most likely feel like the BIGGEST loser...and not in a good way...most of the your life from here on out. Get used to it or over it and slap a smile on!
Krystal, I love your blog and all the fun, creative stuff you come up with! Good luck with the upcoming move. Where are you going to be living in UT?
You must learn to separate yourself from your sense of smell.
The fine print: no matter how many times you remind them, there will constantly be sippy cups of milk left to spoil in hiding places you will later find and have to dispose of. To say nothing of the messy diapers and vomit.
How funny! I love this post! You are such a good writer. Sorry I haven't commented lately I've been out of the blogging loop. Which is sad cause I always find a good read on your blog.
seriously, I just put the the kids infront of little bear and feel like my time out is reading your blog. How funny are these comments and especially your post! You need to save these!
I loved the Utah pros and cons list. I'm sure everyone feels that way. Too bad the grass isn't green on both sides. Isn't there just one perfect place out there? Next to perfect weather and perfect family members? But I guess we can always be grateful we have these experiences/hard times in life/ ie no husband -- that's rough!! You are a great mom though. Keep up the great posting!
sorry, that was a long comment -- but just haven't checked in for a while!
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