Two Months

Well, we have almost made it through March. Which means that Carter made it to two months without any more problems. He had his appointment (and first round of shots) on Tuesday, and here are his stats:

11 lbs 3 oz (45%)
22.5 in (45%)
35 cm (20%)

So, he's growing and doesn't have quite the pinhead he did a few weeks ago. He has a slight wheeze when he breathes (most likely he is going to have asthma), but since the rest of the kids are sick, we feel good about how well he is doing, considering.


For comparison's sake, Kyla was 11 lbs 9 oz at 2 months and Allie was 12 lbs 1 oz (Damon didn't have an appointment until 3 months, as we had just moved to Ohio, but was 15 lbs at three months). So, Carter is the smallest of my babies to this point (not surprising, considering all he went through), but is growing and doing well.

Also of note, right around two months, all three kids were were starting to sleep through the night (about 7 hours). Carter is FAR from reaching that milestone. In fact, I think he has yet to sleep more than 3 hours in any one stretch since he was born (well, except for the 4 days he slept while on the vent, but morphine had something to do with that). That is probably the biggest thing I am looking forward to changing. This isn't going to be a complaining post, but definitely something I want to remember.


This is how I see Carter most of the time, if I want to get anything done. He is pretty high maintenance, and doesn't like to be put down. Even if he is dead asleep, if I lay him down, he will start crying within a few minutes. And so, I have learned that if I'm going to accomplish anything in the day, it's usually going to be with my 11 lb weight strapped to my chest.


Now, I must admit, that the past few days he has shown signs of improvement. He has managed to sit happily in his bouncy chair for up to 10 minutes, which he wouldn't have done a week ago. Yet we know that when he starts engaging us, and giving us his smiles, he will soon be crying. As in, "You have 30 seconds of good behavior and then I'm done."

At nights, he doesn't really like his bed. And so he gets to sleep with me. One night last week I saw the clock at least once every hour of the night. He wasn't super fussy, but he just woke up a lot. And those kind of nights catch up with me after a few days, and I feel like I am running on fumes most of the time.

Oh, here is one of the other three. Yes, I still love them, too. These are not their Easter clothes, but new all the same. I managed to get them all ready for church before 8:45 without Jeff (who is now in bishopbric meeting at 7:20), and I wanted to take a pic. What you don't see is that I was still in my jammers, as I was staying home with the babe. Hopefully in the next couple weeks we will all feel good enough to go to church together.


Oh, and it looks like Carter is starting out with blue eyes, just like Damon did.

Breast is Best

Okay, who had $58,000? Because that was the total on the itemized statement. I actually thought it would be a lot more. We are still getting bills from the pediatrician and the neonatologist, and I'm not sure who else is lurking in the shadows hoping to make a buck off of us, but the number is bound to rise. I will try to remember to get the final total if I can.

And no, we are not responsible for that much, thank goodness! I'm not 100% sure how it will all play out, but I think we have a $3500 deductible for the year, which will easily be reached. Also, as luck would have it, we have a Conseco policy (taken out to help pay for my hospital stay) that covers the whole family, and should give us another $2500 for Carter's stay. So, while I'm not completely confident that we will only have to shell out $1000, that is what I am expecting. Of course, there may be something I am unaware of, but that is what I know.

Okay, now down to the real post I have floating around in my head.

I have a confession to make. I don't love breast feeding. And I feel like by admitting that, I may be losing some of my points in Heaven, but it's true.

And before you start scrolling down to the bottom of this post so you can leave me an angrily worded comment about how I can't stop nursing Carter, as he clearly needs any antibodies I can pass on to him, let me assure you that I will continue breast feeding for as long as I can. Really, you should know me by now. I do things that I am supposed to do. That's just who I am. And breast feeding is what you're supposed to do, if you can. Besides, I understand all the reasons why "breast is best:"

My baby will have less illness, he will get the adequate nutrition at the optimal temperature, he won't become obese due to overfeeding, he will be less colicky and have fewer ear infections, and he will be more likely to get into BYU, I know. And those reasons alone are enough to keep me breast feeding. Not to mention the fact that I get to eat more food, burn more calories, and wear a bran whose cup size isn't A. Those are just added bonuses. But all those things still haven't convinced me to fall in love with it.

I have a good friend in Florida who was completely grossed out by nursing. When she had her little girl, she had no interest in even trying it. It just wasn't for her. And she always gave us patronizing smiles when we talked about breast feeding, probably trying to figure out how she could get out of the conversation without having to talk about it. I'm not like that. I am not grossed out by breast feeding. I may, at times, turn my head in embarrassment when I see a woman openly feeding her child in public, free from any blanket shield or cute nursing cover. I may also cringe internally when I see a child who could only be described as a preschooler tugging at his mom's shirt to get a quick drink. But in general, nursing doesn't gross me out. My issues are much different.

I just don't love it. I don't feel a swell of love every time my baby latches on. Instead, I bite my lip, wincing at the pain that always occurs those first few seconds. Instead of reveling in the closeness my baby and I share, I find myself watching the clock, wondering if I can safely dislodge his little lips without waking him up, positive that he stopped nursing for nourishment 15 minutes earlier.

I realize that I have had a bit of bad luck this time around: I have had clogged milk ducts and breast infections on and off again multiple times, probably due to the 12 days Carter was in the hospital and I had to pump. Also, the pain of breast feeding hasn't ever really gone away (especially on the left side, for some reason we really struggle on that side), and I constantly feel like I am either being poked with a white hot coal or stung by a swarm of killer bees. Couple that with the fact that this little love of mine LOVES to nurse, and you may begin to see why now, on my fourth baby, I still haven't been converted to the joys of nursing.

I do realize that this may seem blasphemous to many of you, and I do apologize. I hope you will find it in your heart to forgive me. It's just that sometimes I fantasize about how life would be if I chose to bottle feed instead. I wouldn't feel so tied down, knowing that I need at least 20 minutes every three hours free to sit down and nurse. And I would be able to, occasionally, turn over the responsibility of feeding for an entire night. And I could sleep. That would be amazing.

So, you can save your arguments. I am convinced that breast feeding is best for the baby. I'm just not convinced that it's best for me. And I am not convinced that I would somehow be missing out by bottle feeding. The things that I love about nursing (the way my sweet baby looks at me with big, beautiful eyes from only a few inches away) could easily be the same things I love about bottle feeding. I just love those big beautiful eyes.

And so, because I believe it is best for him, I will persevere. He WILL be more likely to get into BYU, right?

Sorry, this picture is a little blurry, as it was taken with my phone. But I love that he's giving me a smile. Probably happy because he just finished breast feeding for 30 minutes. :)

Baby vs Boyfriend

Why having a baby is better than having a boyfriend:

1. You can dress him in anything you like.
2. He always lets you have the last word.
3. He is getting fatter and his hairline is receding, and he doesn't care at all about either.
4. He thinks snuggling with you is the best thing in life.
5. He will eat the same thing for every meal and never gets sick of it.
6. He saves all his best smiles for you.
7. He farts, burps and spits in front of you and you aren't embarrassed.
8. He will stay up late with you watching anything you like on tv.
9. He doesn't mind the extra weight you've put on; in fact, he likes you a little soft.
10. He will never love anyone the way he loves you.

Madness

Our league, "That Was Tricky." Here were the standings after round 1:

1. Heddabee (Heather) 24
2. KyKy 23
3. El Guapo (Jeff) 22
3. Alofafino woop woop (Tara) 22
3. wayne 22
4. Father Esplin 21
5. Da Monsta! (Damon) 20
5. Allie-a-babwa 20
5. Tortilla Legs (Krystal) 20

Yes, I was getting beaten by everyone, and only tied with my kids.

Round 2:

1. Heddabee 50
2. KyKy 41
3.Father Esplin 39
4. ElGuapo 38
4. Alofafino woop woop 38
4. wayne 38
5. Tortilla Legs 36
6. Da Monsta! 30
6. Allie-a-babwa 30

That's right, I am now beating two of my three kids. Woot woot!

Million Dollar Baby

We have been having internet difficulties lately, so this post has been sitting and waiting for days. I am crossing my fingers and hoping that today's the day (not "tonight's the night") that I will get it finished.

While my mom was here visiting, she made some homemade laundry soap that we have been using. I thought I would pass it on, in case anyone is interested. Definitely another way to save some money, and with the increased laundry I am doing thanks to the little love, I am grateful for that. The recipe for powdered laundry detergent is:

1/2 c. Borax
1/2 c. Washing soda
1 bar Ivory soap


Borax is easy to find, on most laundry aisles. The Washing Soda is a little harder to find. My mom got it at Harmon's in St. George. Grate the soap (my cheese grater works fine) and mix the three ingredients in a large Ziploc bag. Mix together thoroughly, until powdery.



I don't add any fragrance, but you can add some essential oils if you want your laundry to smell good. I store mine in a large yogurt container, and use 1-2 tablespoons with each load. It is low sudsing, so it is good for HE machines like mine.

What else have we been doing besides making laundry detergent? I bet you can guess.


Yep, I have been holding Carter. A lot. And I love it. Most of the time. I have taken to toting him around in the Baby Bjorn so I can things done, because he still doesn't like to be put down. He seems to really enjoy that, and spends most of his time with his head buried in my bosom. Who wouldn't like that?

Allie is being very good about keeping her distance. We told the kids they can hold him again in April, and she asks every day how many more days. He started smiling at us, which of course we haven't been able to fully catch on camera, but makes us all extremely happy.

Damon loves taking pictures, and when I am in a good mood, I let him use our camera. This is one of the best pictures he took (out of about 50). I love how sweet Carter looks. And it proves that occasionally he can sleep somewhere other than my arms.

And we started getting statements from the hospital for Carter (no bills yet, just statements). You can see in this picture that Carter looks awfully concerned as Jeff reviews some of the statements from the insurance company.

Now for a fun game...let's play a little Price is Right with Carter's hospital bill. The itemized statement we received was 5 or 6 pages long and ended with a huge number. Let's see if you can guess how much everything cost. Here are a few highlights to help you make a guess:

He had 14 chest x-rays, 17 blood gases, 8 days of normal care, 4 days of 24 hour personal care while he was on the ventilator, a picc line, 10 days of antibiotics, 2 days of IV TPN, a spinal tap and multiple other tests. How much do you think all that cost?

Another note: I am so glad that we have health insurance. I realize that health care in this country is out of control, and something needs to be done about it. Everyone needs insurance, and Carter proves it. I wish I had the answer of how to make that happen, but I don't. Instead, I just thank my lucky stars that we did have health insurance and are not going to have to mortage our home to pay for our son.

Okay, there is more to say, but Carter is getting antsy. And Jeff, who is holding him, is getting antsy.

Facebook Post

I was on Facebook, looking through my posts on my profile for a recipe I thought was there, and thought it was very interesting to read my posts from January on. This is mostly for me, my life in a nutshell the last few months. Feel free to skip this entirely.

Jan.1
Buckeyes were awesome! I barely recognized Pryor out there!
Jan. 2
Someone dropped my iPhone and the screen is blank. No one is confessing. I may have to beat them all!
Jan. 11
is pottytraining. Against my will. My two year old keeps taking her diaper off and putting on undies.
Jan. 12
Starting to think about landscaping. What are some things you love? Firepit? Inground trampoline? Pergola? Waterfall? Sport court?
Jan. 18
Had an awesome weekend with the fam in St G for my beother's farewell. 9 more days until he goes into the MTC.Of course I meant brother. How did auto correct miss that one?
Jan. 19
Thinking about making some meals to freeze. Any suggestions?
Jan. 23
Round one of Kris vs Adam; which one do you like better, Live Like You're Dying or What Do You Want From Me?
Jan. 25
Damon (my 7 yr old) just got back from a four day trip to Disneyland with his cousin. I'm glad he had fun, but even more glad that he's home safe!
Jan. 29
After failing the non stress test, today became baby day! Epidural is in, pit is going, now we just wait. Yay!
Carter Edward Trapnell, born at 5:32 pm. 7 lbs. 1 oz, and everything went smoothly. Grandma made it about 5 minutes before he was born!
Feb. 2
My body thinks it's fun to make enough milk for four babies.
Feb. 5
Went bowling today with the family. Jeff-173, Damon-86, Allie/Kyla team-80, Carter-perfect 10 for not making a peep. Mom-not in bowling shape just yet!
Feb. 16
Didn't get much sleep last night. Both girls woke up wet. Feeling defeated and the day has just begun.
Feb. 18
Another day of sickness here at home. How much longer until Spring?
Feb. 19
In the hospital with Carter, probably looking at RSV. Poor baby, it breaks my heart to see him so miserable.
Feb. 20
Carter is doing better. He's breathing so much better (with a little help from the CPAP), and has gotten his fight back. Please keep praying for him, he's got a long way to go!

Carter is doing pretty good tonight. He has a lot more spunk and is mad about everything being done to him. Hopefully tomorrow we can start feeding him (through a tube).
Feb. 21
Carter had to be intubated early this morning. He just wore himself out doing all the breathing on his own. But he is doing well, with minimal support. Please keep praying for him! I know it's helping and we appreciate it so much!
Feb. 22
I am tired. It is a myth that you can sleep in a hospital.
Feb. 23
Carter is doing a little better today. Stable. Still more sick than I'd ever want him to be.
Feb. 25
Carter is off the ventilator!
Feb. 26
Carter is doing well off the vent. It is wonderful to hear his cry again, I just wish I wouldn't have heard it all night long! :)
March 1
Doing better today. I think the end may be in sight!
March 2
Taking Carter home. Finally.
March 3
Today, while mopping the floor, I pretended I was curling. Watch for me in 2014!
March 6
Carter doesn't want to be put down. Ever. I can't say I blame him after all he has been through.
March 8
Two loaves of banana bread are baking in the oven. Kyla comes in and tells me, "I take the bread out of the oven." I didn't believe her, until I saw one loaf of bread and an oven mitt on the table. AHHH!
March 10
What to make of this: Kyla comes into the family room (where I am holding the baby) with a steak knife and says, "I'm going to kill Carter!" Starved for love and attention?
March 12
Watching Honey I Shrunk the Kids with my boys. The girls are in St G with grandma for the night and Jeff is getting ready to cheer on the Cougs down in Las Vegas. Who will have the best time tonight?

Progression/Regression

With all the drama with Carter, I may have neglected the rest of the family a teeny bit. I know it's always an adjustment for everyone when a new baby comes home, and Carter's hospitalization probably really heightened the need to adjust.

Jeff went back to work last week (what a blessing it was that he had a week off during the worst of Carter's illness!), and his role as part-time babysitter has ended. That's not to say that his life has returned to normal (not even a new normal), because he was called to be the Executive Secretary in our ward. I'm excited for him and his new responsibilities, and I know it will be a great opportunity for him to serve, but it's not going to be easy. He has a LOT of meetings. And a lot of responsibility. Because he is now in charge of scheduling all the appointments for the bishop, we had spend FHE teaching our kids how to answer the phone. Mostly, I ignore the home phone, because the majority of the time it rings, no one is on the other end. The phone company thinks people are trying to fax something to our home number. It's quite annoying, and I decided that if an actual person is trying to call, they can leave a message. Or they can text me the way I would prefer.

Damon has been a little extra sensitive lately, crying over things that aren't that big of a deal. It makes Jeff crazy. To me, he's still little and has every right to cry, as long as he can get himself under control. He has been so good about keeping his room clean, and I have pretty much just assumed he was doing a good job. Yesterday I told him to change into a pair of jeans with no holes (he has 3), and he told me he couldn't find any. But because I had done laundry on Monday, I was suspicious. So I went to find out what happened. Under his bed I found enough clothes to do an entire load. And enough trash and other things he had collected to fill a garbage bag. So I spent some time getting his room "actually clean." I also got rid of enough clothes to fill another garbage bag (including 3 or 4 pairs of jeans with huge holes in the knees), so I hope that will help him stay clean.

Allie has really seemed grown up lately. Her drama has really been minimized and she is 100 times more helpful than she has ever been in her life. It's no secret that she has been my challenge for the past 4 years, and I have to admit that she has become so much fun. She loves to take pictures, which I rarely allow, but I thought it would be fun to actually have proof that I live here, too, so I let her take a couple of me with the kidlets yesterday. We talked about making sure that she didn't cut anyone out of the screen. I think she did a good job.


Of course, just as we see all this progress out of Allie, Kyla seems to have regressed. She decided a couple of weeks ago that potty training was overrated. Instead of using the toilet, she thought it would be fun to pee in front of the toilet, on the floor. She has done this a handful of times. She also thought it would be fun to pee on the rug. She has only done this once (that I know of), and she got in big trouble, so hopefully that urge has been squelched. When I ask her why, she says, "because I want to."


She has also shown other signs of having her emotional love tank a little empty (term from the Love Languages). She came into the room the other day with a steak knife and said, "I'm going to kill Carter!" That's a little hard to ignore. She took a loaf of banana bread out of the oven (using an oven mitt) and set it carefully on the table the other day, too. She poured half the fish food into the fish tank when I was trying to take a nap. Anything she thinks she can do, she does. I know it's because she is having a hard time with the lack of attention she is currently getting. I have been trying hard to do things with her, like reading with just her before bedtime in her bed, and I hope to see some payoff soon.

Carter is doing really well. He just loves to be held. Every day, I try to set him down (I have to at some point) with varying results. Most of the time, he cries. But every now and then, he will actually sleep somewhere other than in my arms. Currently, he is in the bouncy chair on the counter, with the dishwasher running. He fell asleep there when I was getting the girls lunch and I am scared to even breathe wrong, afraid that he'll wake up. He still spends most of his nights in bed with me, but did sleep for about 4 hours in his crib last night (after two different feedings), so that is progress.

And he smiled at me for the first time the other day. It warmed my heart like a pot of chocolate fondue. Since then, he has smiled at me about half a dozen times, and I know it will never get old. It seems it's a lot of work for him to smile, though, and he usually cries shortly after. Oh well, I'll take whatever I can get.

We wanted to do a comparison between Damon at one month and Carter. This is a picture (professional, obviously) of Damon:

Carter was wearing the same jacket, so we tried to set him in the same position for comparison. We only got one shot (and not even a very good one) before he was done. Still, it's kind of fun to compare.

Maybe we'll try again if Carter seems cooperative (doubtful). I think they look alike, but definitely have their differences.



I am doing the best that I can. Most of the time, I feel good. I love being a mom and I love four kids. And while the newborn stage is definitely not my favorite, I have really enjoyed it. And those moments that creep up where I feel like I'll never have my own life are easily squashed back down. Just don't ask me if we're going to have any more, because although I think I do want one more, right now is not the time to ask. The answer would definitely be no.

Everyone has been so incredibly great to us. I have realized that my "love language" is Acts of Service (I think Jeff's is,too, if you can believe it), so you can imagine how loved I have felt lately. Thank you, thank you, thank you to you all. Good has come (and will continue to come, I am sure) from this experience.

Being a Baby

Tuesday, day 11, was a great day. Carter decided he had had enough of the hospital and started breathing better. FINALLY. Throughout the day, we turned his oxygen down a little at a time, seeing what he would tolerate. He did fine, even on room air, and it was decided that we could go home. Halle-freakin-lujah. We weren't the least bit sad about packing up all our belongings and getting out of there. Even if it meant not having a nurse available to rock him at 5:00 am while I passed out on the bed from exhaustion. It also meant no one else to bug him, no more monitors or oxygen cannulas to get in the way as I tried to snuggle with him.

The last day in the hospital

Since we have been home, life has been so much better. Carter is doing fantastic. His lungs are clear and he hasn't had any problems at all. The doctor said it's time for him to start being a baby. The hard part is going to be keeping him from getting sick again. The kids aren't allowed to hold him for a little while, and we have been trying to encourage good hand washing every few hours. All we can do is hope that his little body will heal and not fall victim to anything else that is going around. He isn't allowed out, so Jeff and I will switch off going to church. Kyla will probably suffer as much as anyone, since we won't be going to story time at the library or computer class for a while. I am just praying for warmer weather soon so we can at least play outside!

My biggest complaint is that he doesn't want to be put down. He wants to be held all the time. He doesn't like the swing, the bouncy chair, sleeping in his own bed...he likes being held. And he likes sleeping snuggled up to me in bed. For now, I don't mind. I realize that he has been through a whole lot and I am willing to give him a little more love if that is what he needs. It's like we started all over with a newborn and I know I'm going to have to be patient with him.

You can clearly see in his one month shots that he doesn't like being undressed and set down. There was no hope of getting anything without him screaming.


Here's a rare shot of him sleeping on my bed. It lasted about five minutes. Still, too cute.

Here are a few more things I want to write down before I forget.

1. Everyone has been so amazing. We have felt so much love from our family and friends and truly felt their (your) prayers strengthening us. Facebook has been the mass prayer chain, and I'm so grateful for it.
2. One day when Jeff was at the hospital, it snowed a little and I sent Damon out to clear a path for me. It's still too big a job for him to do on his own, so I went out to do it. A teenage boy came running down the hill and offered to finish it for me. I don't know who he is or why he was inspired to come and help, but I'm so grateful for that.

3. Carter weighed 8 lbs 3 oz when he went into the hospital and 8 lbs 4 oz when he came out.
4. All the stress helped me drop another 5 pounds, leaving me with 15 to go to get back to pre-pregnancy weight.
5. Huggies diapers, the kind they use in the hospital, leak and I won't use them for Carter anymore. Pampers all the way!
6. Carter loves his binky and I am so glad. I don't know what we'd do without it. My chest is raw all over again (yes, it really is like having a newborn again after so much time pumping), and I can only take so much sucking.

7. February was a tough month for the Esplin family. I couldn't be happier to welcome March. Hopefully it will be just what we all need to get life back to normal. Or a new normal, anyway. One with the baby being a baby.

Thoughts

Some thoughts as I sit, once again, in this peach hospital chair,

To answer some of the questions I have been asked: While Carter was on CPAP (back a lifetime ago), he wasn't getting any feedings. He was on IV fluids first and then something called TPN, which has proteins and lipids for a little nourishment. Once he was on the vent and doing well, we started feeding him through his NG tube. We started with 6 ml and worked up to 80 ml (about 2 1/2 oz) every 3 hours. I would pump every few hours, taking my magazine into the pump room (and feeling a little dirty about it:) and saving my milk in the fridge/freezer. After he came off the vent, he took bottles of breast milk for a day before we started nursing again. He has done extremely well with his feedings, and I feel like we're starting all over again with the pains of nursing.

When he was on the ventilator, he couldn't make any noise. Sometimes the nurse would be listening to his lungs and would tell me that she could hear him crying, but we didn't hear a noise. Some nurses kept him heavily sedated (to the point that they would give him more meds if he started moving his arms around) , but one nurse (the one who was with him during the day on Monday-Wednesday) let him be awake more, as long as he wasn't flailing around, trying to get that tube out. That was when I shot the video clip of him looking around. I wasn't allowed to hold him until after he was extubated, which was so hard. Especially when I could see he was upset and I just wanted to crawl up on his tiny bed next to him to comfort him.

Now that he is doing better, he doesn't have a nurse with him all the time, which is nice, but also a lot more lonely. Carter isn't exactly a great conversationalist, and it gets a little lonely here clicking through the same channels over and over. I haven't seen much of Jeff at all. We pass each other at the hospital as one of us takes a shift at the hospital and the other takes the other kids home. It's like we're in a long distance relationship, resorting to sharing information over the phone, with frequent 30-second sightings. I know it's getting hard on Jeff. He isn't used to spending this much time taking care of a baby, and he has had to be here a lot so the other kids don't forget that they have a mommy.

It's also hard on me. There are moments every day where I feel completely spent, both emotionally and physically. I am not getting much sleep at all, which I know makes things harder, and we're now going on day 11, which is a lot longer than we thought we would be here. My brain is not functioning properly. I parked Jeff's 4Runner in the parking lot one day and accidentally left the lights on. Then I forgot that the car was here, and three days later when we went to go pick it up, the battery was shot. He had to get a new one. I completely spaced kindergarten registration last week and now have to figure out what I need to do to get Allie enrolled in school next year. I can't remember things that happened yesterday, much less things that happened a week ago. It's like my mind is clouded and I'm constantly trying to see through the fog.

The kids are, for the most part, handling things very well. They have been up to visit a couple of times, and they are more interested in eating all the snacks and begging to play in the toy room than they are in their baby brother. A couple of times I have tried to lie down and take a nap while the kids play, but that hasn't exactly worked out. Once, I put Damon in charge and told him I needed one hour without disruption. Twenty minutes later, he was banging on the door, frantic because Kyla had chosen that moment to dump half a bottle of fish food in the fish tank. Instead of napping, I had to suction as much as I could get, so the fish didn't overindulge.

Yesterday, I again asked them to let me lie down and put in some bright orange ear plugs. I invited Kyla to nap with me (hoping to avoid any more disasters), but she declined. A little while later, I felt her in bed next to me, trying to remove my ear plugs. I told her to leave them alone, and a while later she was asking Allie to get my chapstick for her. Allie asked where it was, and Kyla said, "in mom's ear." Apparently she hasn't been introduced to ear plugs yet.

Carter's progress continues to be slow. We had to put him on high flow oxygen because he was just breathing too fast, and the doctor didn't want him to wear himself out again. Again, it felt like a step backward when we should have been moving forward, but at least he has avoided CPAP again. His oxygen saturation is fine, but he still breathes about 60 times a minute, even with the increased oxygen. Ideally, he would be in the 50's with no outside help. That is the goal. That is what we are working toward. Today is the last day he has his antibiotics, so his PICC line can come out soon. His lungs sound good and his secretions are minimal, so we're just waiting for his breathing to slow down so we can start talking about when he can come home.

Carter update

On Thursday morning, Jeff called from the hospital and said that Carter had done so well during the night that they were going to extubate him. This was incredibly great news! After four days of being on the ventilator, it was a huge relief that he didn't need it anymore. They pulled the tube out of his throat, and his poor little voice was so hoarse when he cried, it made me so sad. After a breathing treatment and some suction, they put him on some nasal oxygen to see how he'd do. There was always the possibility that he'd have to go back on the nasal CPAP if he wasn't getting enough oxygen, but we thought we were done with the ventilator.

Since then, he has done very well. He was pretty miserable all day Thursday and Thursday night. I'm sure he felt awful. His throat probably hurt, he was trying to shake off all the sedation meds he had been given, and he was probably just as sick of the hospital as we were. I was so happy to hear his voice again, the crying didn't really bother me. Until about 1:00 am when I was desperate for a little sleep. I knew he must be so worn out, and that eventually he would have to sleep, but he held out. He'd sleep for a few minutes at a time and then wake up and cry. The nurse came in to check his vitals at 1:00 and I about passed out on the bed. I vaguely remember her asking if she wanted me to feed him a bottle (he still wasn't allowed to nurse until he got the hang of feeding again. There was a lot of coughing and choking involved the first few times).

Finally, after being up and down to the point of not really remembering much of anything, at his 4:00 feeding, he fell asleep. And we both slept until 7:30. The worst part of it all was that I couldn't walk around the room or really wrap him up. He still has monitors, oxygen tubes and his picc line to worry about, so we were confined to a 2 foot radius next to his bed for any and all comforting. I would have loved to put him in bed with me, where he loves to snuggle, but that was not an option.

Friday morning, the pediatrician came to see him and took him off the oxygen for a test run. He didn't pass, but started desatting a little, so he put the oxygen back on and turned it down to 1/8 of a liter, just a "trace," as they call it. He was still breathing fast, but his last chest xray looked better and his lungs sounded better. All good signs. Jeff spent all day with him while I tried to get things caught up back at home. Jeff can handle things at home, but the dishes, the laundry and the general cleaning gets neglected. So I spent the afternoon trying to put the house back together. Last night I went back to the hospital to spend the night there. He was so much happier, almost like the little boy I remember from a week ago. He slept 2-3 hours at a time and didn't have any of the fussiness he had the night before. He looked at me for a long time, and I thought I just might get that first smile out of him, but it didn't come. Soon, I know.



Now, we are just waiting to see if we can get him off the oxygen altogether. He is still breathing faster than they would like, so the Respiratory Therapist is still suctioning his nose to see if that helps. He still has a couple more days left of the antibiotic, and the doctor doesn't want him to come home with the picc line in, so it may be a few more days before he is ready to be out of there. We are getting anxious, but trying to be patient. We really want him to be well before we bring him back home, even though the kids seem to be over their sicknesses. It will be nice to be a family again.

Carter vid

Carter is a little better today. Improving slowly. Still the sweetest thing you can imagine. If you have time, you can check out this clip from yesterday afternoon.

One Step Forward...Two Steps Back

(Sorry no pictures with this post--I am using the hospital's wireless to write and don't have my pictures accessible).

One step forward, two steps back. That seems to be the way things have gone since we got into the hospital, and it was that way again Sunday evening. Carter had been doing well on the ventilator, although he was having to get more oxygen than they would have liked. Around 5:00, he started having trouble, and there were people running around frantically, taking x-rays, listening to his chest, and paging the neonatologist (never a good sign, right?).

The xray came back showing no major problems, but a lot of "haziness," or areas of the lungs that oxygen wasn't able to get into. He just wasn't getting enough oxygen. The doctor decided he needed a little more support, and had them put him on another ventilator called an oscillator. It is the kind that is used in the NICU with sick babies, and is supposedly more gentle on the lungs. It vibrates back and forth, holding the lungs open and also helping to move the secretions around more, so they don't get stuck blocking the airways. And although he was encouraged that Carter would do well on it, it was a step backward.

An hour or two after he was put on the oscillator, we had a scary moment, probably the worst moment we have had since this sickness started. His O2 level (which is usually around 90) started dropping, and the respiratory therapist turned up his oxygen and used some suction to pull mucus from his airways. She got a couple of clots out, but his oxygen level continued to drop. He was down in the 40's and dropping. She had the mask ready to bag him, as the oxygen was turned up to 100%. Finally, just before she had to bag him, he started coming back up. I just stood by, helplessly, watching and praying that he would recover. What a terrible feeling that was. The good news is that he stopped doing that, and only had minor issues after that.

I think that was the first time I realized just how sick my baby is. The words "Primary Children's" were thrown around if he continued to be unstable. Of course I didn't sleep well that night, and I know it wouldn't have been any better had I been at home, as I was just so worried that was going to happen again. I know it's silly, because he has a nurse with him 24/7 and a respiratory therapist is never than a room away. He is getting the best possible care, and an untrained mommy a few feet away isn't going to make one ounce of difference. Still, it was good to be here with him especially after he had a pretty good night.

By morning, his chest had cleared up a little bit. His right upper lobe is still not getting oxygen (not surprising, apparently, because the tube leading to the right upper lobe is the smallest and most easily blocked), and the doctor can't be sure it isn't a bacterial pneumonia (although he thinks it's strictly caused by the RSV). He had a good day yesterday, not doing any of the scary desats he had done on Sunday. He is now getting breast milk, a full feeding of about 2 1/2 ounces, through his tube every 3 hours.

Because bacterial pneumonia has not been ruled out completely, he is going to stay on antibiotics for the full ten days. So, this morning he had a central line put in so that they won't have to start IV's every day (his little veins just weren't handling the IVs very well). He is stable now, and we are all hoping that we will start to see more improvements so he can slowly be weaned off the ventilator.

Most of the time, I feel okay about things. I am optimistic that everything is going to be okay, and that Carter will make a full recovery. But every now and then, doubt creeps in and I lose some of that optimism. At church on Sunday (after I had heard that he was on a ventilator, but before I saw him), I was a mess. People were asking how he was doing, and I just cried. I was just not feeling like I was handling it very well. The closing hymn in sacrament meeting must have been chosen just for me. It was "Be Thou Humble," and the first verse goes like this:

"Be thou humble in thy weakness, and the Lord they God shall lead thee,
Shall lead thee by the hand and give thee answers to thy prayers.
Be thou humble in they pleading, and the Lord thy God shall bless thee,
Shall bless thee with a sweet and calm assurance that he cares."

It was definitely a tender mercy from above, as I really felt that "calm assurance" that he cared about me, and that he was most definitely aware of my sweet baby. And suddenly, I realized that I didn't feel alone anymore (and I hadn't known I had felt alone before).

I know he still has a long way to go, so my optimism now is carefully guarded, but I also know without doubt that all the fasting and prayers in our behalf are helping. They are not only helping Carter get through this trial, but they are helping me. I feel an immeasurable amount of gratitude for the love that has been shown to our little family. I truly do feel humbled by this experience, and am vowing to be a little better, a little more faithful, and a little more grateful.

RSV

For any of you who aren't my friend on Facebook, or for those of you who haven't heard, little Carter couldn't handle all the sickness floating around our house. My girls have been struggling with a cold; they have been coughing and complaining of a sore throat for over a week now. Carter started with a runny nose first and I panicked a little (that's my major struggle with anxiety--I always imagine the worst when it comes to health matters). I put him under a humidifier and started putting saline in his nose and suctioning it out the best I could. A couple days later he had a little cough, but he was still doing well, eating fine and not too sad.

Thursday night I kept feeling like he was getting worse, but there was no evidence of that. He didn't have a fever, was still nursing, and sounded like he was breathing alright. Friday morning he was awake for about an hour, and not sad at all, so I still thought he was okay. By 11:00, his appetite had diminished and by 2:00 he had a fever of 100.5. I called the doctor's office and told the nurse what was going on and we got in to see the doctor around 4:00. By then, he had really taken a turn and was not doing well at all. He was only getting about 80-85% oxygen on room air and really grunting a lot. It was decided that he needed to be admitted to the hospital.

An hour later at the hospital, he was down to 75%, with some major retractions when he breathed. He had completely lost his spunk and didn't put forth any fuss when the nurses started working on him. Respiratory suctioned him out and started him on oxygen, but within an hour or so, they decided it wasn't enough, and put him on a machine called a CPAP, which essentially blows air into his lungs to keep them open so he wouldn't have to work so hard. They started two IVs for fluids (he wouldn't eat or even try), and put a tube down his throat to vent his stomach and to get some of the mucus out there. I took this picture after they were finished hooking him up on Friday night.


Since then, he has gotten a little worse. He stayed on the CPAP and was doing alright, but was still working a little harder to breathe than they wanted. He wasn't allowed to have any food, but got IV nourishment. Yesterday he was a lot more feisty, and wasn't the least bit happy about what was happening to him. Jeff stayed with him last night, and said around 3 am his coloring wasn't good and he was lethargic again. The decision was made to intubate him. When I heard that, I was sad. I thought that meant he had taken a step back. But after seeing him for myself today, I realize that it's not all bad. He just wore himself out trying to breathe, and he can't get the secretions out by himself. Also, RSV takes a few days to peak before it plateaus and you see improvement, so it was probably a combination of the RSV getting worse and his body tiring out that made it necessary for the ventilator (I don't have a pic of him on the vent yet, but it doesn't look nearly as bad as that scary pic of the CPAP mask).

He still will be in the hospital for several days. It's hard to know how many, but we are hopeful that within a day or two he will start to improve and will get to be extubated. For now, he is sedated and resting comfortably and just needs time to get better. We are starting to give him breast milk through his tube and we'll see how he tolerates that. I'm glad to be able to do something, even something so small, for him. It's hard to see him helpless and I have found myself wondering what else I could have done for him. I tried to keep the sick kids away and do everything I knew how to do to make sure he didn't get sick(including pleading with the Lord daily to keep him healthy), but it didn't help. I guess we have more things to learn from this experience and I am determined to learn them. One thing I have realized is that it isn't my fault. I am sad that I can't protect him from everything, but I know that's not realistic. One of the "blessings" of a mortal body is the ability to experience all things, even sickness that lands you in the hospital at 3 weeks old.

Today I am feeling encouraged. I feel peaceful. I know it's because of the many, many people who are fasting and praying for him. Thank you all so so so much. We have felt such an outpouring of love that puts a lump in my throat. Carter is so lucky to have so many people caring for him. And I am patiently waiting the time I can hold him again and tell him just how lucky he is.

More updates later as things change (hopefully for the better!)

V-Day 2010

Today is my first day alone with all four kids. It just so happened that it falls on President's Day, when no one has school. And I must say, having four kids wouldn't be hard. If there were four of me. :)

My mom left us on Saturday, and now real life begins. Because it is RSV season, we are supposed to stay home as much as possible until Carter is a little older. That is going to be hard. Not for me, but for the other kids, especially Kyla, our stubborn little mule. She started showing her independence by peeing on the floor. In the bathroom. In front of the toilet. Twice. Then she announced that she had peed on the rug. I asked her why, and she had a perfectly good explanation. "Because I want to." Fortunately for me, the scrape on her leg was irritated when she peed, and now believes that if she goes on the toilet again, she won't get any more sores. I am willing to let her believe that if it means she is cured of her regression.

She also cannot keep her hands off of Carter. Anything I ask her not to do ("please don't wipe your face on his," or "please don't cover his mouth"), she instantly does. It makes for fun times, as I can't trust her to be anywhere around him when I'm not in sight. This is usually what happens (she is trying to put his binky in his mouth, but actually, she is about to suffocate him).


She did have a lot of fun "helping" grandma with all the cooking and baking. Maybe that's what I need to do while we are stuck at home--just bake and let her help. That would probably keep her entertained, but I'm not sure it would help me start to get the pregnancy pounds off.

Damon has kept busy with Valentine's Day. He is very much into gifts and gift giving (I am reading the Five Love Languages of Kids right now, and he seems to be fairly equal in Gifts and Touch, FYI), so of course he decided to make Valentine's for his class. He probably spent upwards of 5 hours making them, and they turned out great. Unfortunately, we forgot to take a picture of the final product before he handed them out.


My mom made sugar cookies (twice), and these are the ones the kids got to decorate.


Meanwhile, I got to spend a lot of time with Carter. Probably the most helpful thing my mom did while she was here was entertain the other three kids. I got to have quiet time every day enjoying my newborn (and yes, falling asleep as I enjoyed him). I know I have done this three times before, and it should come as no surprise to me, but I honestly can't believe how much love I feel for him. Even when he is crying and I feel like crying because I just want to sleep, I can't help but feel anything but love for him. For months I worried that there might be something wrong with him, and I am constantly amazed at how perfect he is.

At 10 days old, he weighed 7 lbs 11 oz (50th%, and up 10 ounces from birth), was 20 1/2 inches long (45th%, and up an inch) and had a head of 34 cm (5th%--I hope that isn't a comment on the size of his brain). He sleeps a lot, but has been awake for as long as two hours straight, and routinely will stay awake and happy for over an hour at a time. He still loves to pull his knees under his body when he is lying on my chest, and often seems to have his arms folded. He has yet to sleep for more than three hours at time at night (and usually it's more like two hours at a time), but is on a good nursing schedule of every three hours. He loves his binky and will easily take a bottle of breast milk, 3 ounces at a time.


Here he is at two weeks. His belly button stump fell off the next day, and he had his first bath (which he hated).

Jeff and I got to go out for Valentine's day on Thursday, before my mom left, and he got me some beautiful flowers (and I can't remember the last time I got flowers). What a great way to celebrate the day of love this year, when my heart already feels big enough to burst through my chest. Carter was due on Valentine's Day, so maybe it's fitting that he is my "love baby." Not that I love him any more than I did my other babies, but it's so fun to remember again why we do this. And, yes, I look tired and pale, and my hair is a little greasy. But luckily, Carter's eyesight isn't very good yet.

Carter's B&W shots

We staged a small photo shoot for Carter to try to capture the "just born" look. We quickly learned that we had no idea what we were doing. And the first time we tried, Carter was awake and didn't much enjoy curling up on a pile of towels mostly nude. That being said, I think we still got a few cute shots. I especially love the last one with the small smile on his lips.

One Week

It was the quickest of weeks, it was the slowest of weeks...

Isn't that always how it goes with a newborn? I stayed in the hospital for two nights (so as to get the most money back from Aflac and Conseco) and came home on Sunday. Since we've been home, things have gone extremely well. Recovery is never fun and/or easy, but I am feeling better every day.

My biggest complaints post-partum were:
1. The uterine contractions. Supposedly they get worse with each delivery, and these ones were extremely painful. The most painful contractions I felt during any part of my labor (blessed epidural!). Fortunately, the worst of the contractions happened in the hospital, where I had percocet at my disposal, and I managed to get through that.

2. The pain of breast-feeding. Despite my religious use of Lansinoh, I always seem to get have a hard time adjusting to nursing every few hours. That pain is getting much better, but I still cringe every time I begin nursing. And the engorgement. Oh, it's so painful. And one tiny baby cannot begin to drink enough milk to relieve that pain. I am currently without a breast pump (it has been misplaced), and waiting for the one I ordered on eBay to get here, so I haven't been able to really pump much either. On Facebook, I posted that my body thought it was fun to make enough milk for 4 babies. Now I am down to enough milk for twins. And that isn't a bad thing.

3. The hemorrhoids. I don't think much else needs to be said, but that is definitely included in my recovery process.

The kids seem to be adjusting fairly well. I know that is probably because my mom is here and takes them to do fun things every day. What are we going to do when she goes home on Friday? I'm not anxious to find out. Damon and Allie don't seem to be affected by the baby at all. They just live their normal lives, albeit much more fun when grandma is around, and haven't shown any signs of displacement.

Kyla, on the other hand, has suddenly become the most stubborn, strong-willed little girl imaginable. Don't let that smile fool you, she has not been the least bit cooperative since we brought Carter (she pronounces it "Cado," like "avocado") home.

She hasn't taken anything out on the baby (she loves him tremendously, and is always wanting to hold him. One day she even got out of the chair and was standing on the floor, bouncing him up and down because "he likes to be bounced."), but she has started fighting both my mom and me on everything we ask her to do. I understand that her world has completely changed, and I am trying to be patient with her, but there are only so many times I am willing to let her do things by herself or make her own decisions about what she is going to do, and then I can't give in anymore. I mean, no matter how much she may not like it, she has to ride in her carseat in the car. And so, we fight. But I know it will get better. It just may have to get worse first.

Carter is doing amazingly well. He has figured out his days and nights and will wake up a couple of times at night to eat and then goes right back to sleep. So far, he is a dream newborn, with very few issues. I know it's way to early to proclaim him a calm, content baby, but I am enjoying it now. We'll see how he does once he hits the six week "wake up period." He was a bit jaundiced, so we let him have a little sunbath one afternoon.

The forehead crinkle seems to be his trademark. He is always doing it.

He is also very alert, and will turn his head to hear my voice when I'm nearby. He sleeps a lot, but when he's awake, he seems to really try to engage whoever is holding him.

The kids all love to hold him and he doesn't seem to mind too much.

Finally, here is one of my and my four kids. Wow, that is weird to think about. But I am so happy. Despite the one melt down I had on Monday (I think everything had just caught up to me; I was feeling a lot of pain, I was tired, I was emotional, and I had to just go into my bedroom and have a good cry. I felt much better after that and much more equipped to handle life), I feel pretty good. I can't believe how much love I have, not only for Carter, but for all my kids. And even with little sleep, I can feel that I am being given more patience to deal with all the craziness around me. I truly feel so blessed.

Baby's here!

Phew! What a whirlwind couple of days! I went in to the hospital on Friday for my weekly non-stress test. Jeff had spent the night at his brother's cabin (out of cell phone range), but came back early just in case anything of interest happened at the appointment. In the 45 minutes we monitored his heart rate, he had four decelerations, which were enough for him to fail. Suddenly, January 29th became baby day!

Although I knew it was a possibility, I was a little shocked that it was actually happening, and was a bit emotional as I was admitted and made the necessary phone calls. My mom, who had driven home on Wednesday, immediately jumped in the shower and prepared to make the drive back. I was alone for a few hours as I tried to find someone to watch the kids (there was really no rush for Jeff to get to the hospital, since we knew it was going to be several hours before anything happened), so I got to really think about what was going to happen. And request the epidural before the nurse even started the ptocin. The timeline for the day went like this:

10:00 am-failed non-stress test
10:30-admitted, dilated to 1.5
12:00 pm-epidural and pit started
2:15-dilated to 3, 60% effaced (Jeff got there about 1:00, missing out on the multiple attempts to start my IV and the epidural. Good timing, since he isn't a big fan of watching needles pierce skin).
3:30-met Dr. Weibell, my doctor's partner who was on call, who broke my water. Dilated to 5, 80% effaced, 0 station. We started to worry that my mom, who was still 2 hours away, wasn't going to make it
4:15-dilated to 8, 90% effaced, started me on oxygen as baby wasn't tolerating contractions very well. I was feeling very little and happy as could be. The oxygen stabilized baby's heart rate quickly, no concerns.
5:00-started pushing. Mom still 22 miles away. Baby posterior, not making much progress. I could feel the contractions by this point, but they were not super painful. We learned quickly that I probably wasn't going to be able to push him out on my own, without a little help from the "vacuum." But baby's heart was fine, I was fine, so we decided to wait for my mom before getting the vacuum, just pushing with each contraction with little to no success.
5:25-mom finally arrives, doc pulls out vacuum
5:32-baby boy makes his way into the world with a gigantic cone head! 7 lbs, 1 oz, 19.5 inches long, apgar scores of 8, 9.


My first thought is that I am so glad for modern medicine. Not only the ptocin to stimulate labor, the epidural to make it bearable, the vacuum to help speed things along, but also the ultrasounds and heartrate monitors to begin with, that let us know that our boy was headed for trouble. We were able to get out in front of it and he really didn't scare us at all with his cord compression. We were able to get him here safely and quickly (almost too quickly!), and everything went amazingly well.

We named him Carter Edward Trapnell. Carter was the name Jeff and I agreed on, as one of the few we both really liked. Edward is after Jeff's dad, Frederick Edward, as well as Jeff's grandpa and great-grandpa. It has nothing to do with a certain vampire. But a fun coincidence...

I'm sure there will be plenty more in the days to come, as well as lots more pictures once I figure out how to get them off of my mom's camera, but here are some to start.

Damon's waited a long time for a brother!

Kyla making us laugh in the hospital with Grandma's glasses

Going home on Sunday


Staring intently at grandma today. He definitely wanted to wait for her, and she couldn't be happier about that!