In Which Allie Turns Five

Yesterday was Allie's birthday. One she has been looking forward to for about 11 months now. But before I would allow her the joy of turning five, I insisted that she get her hair cut. You may recall some of the struggles this child and I have had over the years with her hair. She can go to bed with it clean and brushed and manage to wake up with it matted and tangled. I'm not sure how she does it, but it's really amazing. Oh, and she hated me taking pictures of it looking this way, even when it was for my blog.

Tuesday, on the way home from preschool, I pulled into the parking lot of Craig's 7$ Cuts and told her that it was her lucky day. She wasn't going to have to deal with her crazy mom snapping pics of her first thing in the morning any longer, because she was no longer going to look like a Mop Top. She wasn't happy. She didn't want to get her hair cut any longer. She tried to talk me into coming back another day. But I wasn't going to be swayed. Especially since Tuesday was $5 day at Craig's and I saw no reason why I should have to pay an extra $2 just to make her happy. So, I promised her a Dum Dum and she caved. With her new short do she was ready for her birthday.

Jeff was leaving to go out of town at 7:00 am, so I told Allie if she wanted to open her two presents before he left, she needed to get up early. She took me seriously and wandered into my room at 6:30. The only other day she has ever been up that early on her own was Christmas morning. At least I know she has it in her. Her first present was a Barbie dress from Grandma and Grandpa. After the appropriate amount of hooting and hollering, she opened her other present, a scooter, and pretended to be surprised.


As Jeff was leaving, I didn't feel that I could take on a birthday party all alone, so I told her we would have to postpone it for a week or so. She wasn't thrilled, but she didn't complain too much. And although I definitely didn't want to spoil her, I wanted her to have a good birthday and I wanted her to know how much I love her. And I was kindly asked to "stop spending our money," after I accidentally cost us $300 to fix the computer and then forked out another $40 for a cleaner called Advanage when the guy came in and cleaned the hard water spots off my shower. So, how do I make her birthday special without really spending much money?

I made her waffles for breakfast (her request).
I let her take a bath in my tub (something they never get to do).
We went to Toys R Us where she got a balloon, crown and spent her $3 gift card (I pitched in another $3 so she could get a boy Barbie for the harem at home).
We went to Sonic for her free Wacky Pack.
I let her ride her new scooter around the house all day, because the weather outside was, well, frightful.
We went to Chuck E Cheese with our friends/next door neighbors (with the 31 tokens I found leftover from our last visit).
I made her spaghetti for dinner.

And at the end of the day she said, "Thank you for all the wonderful things." I think we succeeded.

The other kids had a good day, too. Just not with quite the "pampering" that Allie got.

This love sported his Jazz wear (thanks again to Ann M for his three shirts, so he can support his team every game!).

This love had nearly as much fun as Allie. She was invited into the bath with Allie and got her own Wacky Pack. She also attempted the scooter, which she is surprisingly good at.

And I love this pic of the boys.

Happy Birthday Allie! We wouldn't be nearly the same family without you. Here are the top five things I will remember about you this year:

1. You have grown tremendously academically. You can color, use scissors, and are learning to read. You are definitely ready for kindergarten.
2. You love Barbies. Nearly everything you wanted to buy for yourself was Barbie related.
3. You are the best big sister. You are usually so willing to share and Kyla adores you. I love hearing the two of you playing together. It is one of my favorite sounds in the world.
4. You are incredibly good at remembering song lyrics. Some I wish you would forget (like when you were riding your bike the other day singing, "I wanna take a ride on your disco stick").
5. You are such a girl. You love skirts and leggings, makeup, and high heels. You want to look pretty, and I love that about you.

3 months

Carter is three months old, and there is much to say about it. But that will have to wait for later. For this is a comparison post. I wish I had started taking monthly pictures next to an object with Damon and Allie, but alas, I did not. So you will have to work a little harder to compare the four fatties. First, here is Damon at three months (I'm a little TO'd that I couldn't find a full body shot (Kip Dynamite), but this was before we had gone fully digital):

And here's Allie:

Kyla, full body shot

And here's Carter.

I'm still wondering where that nose came from. Maybe he came equipped with it because someone knew he was going to have breathing problems and would need the largest nostrils possible. Thankfully he's got those cheeks, which remind us that he's ours. And those thighs that are getting bigger every day.

A Home for all Seasons

Right now the temperature is 37 degrees. And it's April 28th. Yesterday it was in the mid 70's (although very windy). I'm not loving spring in northern Utah. Jeff told me he was loving the weather we have had lately (gasp!) and I told him truthfully that I would be happy to have 2 rainy days a month, and the rest of the rain could occur during the night. Seriously, I'm a sunshine girl.

We once had a discussion about where we would live during the different seasons. And since I have lived in four very different places in my life, I feel like I have come up with the perfect combination.

During SPRING, I would definitely live in Jacksonville. The weather is gloriously beautiful, you can visit the beach, and play outside constantly without feeling like you've just stepped out of the sauna.

During SUMMER, I would opt for Orem. I love that it's hot enough to swim, yet cool enough in the shade to sit outside and watch the kids wear themselves out.

During FALL, I would live in Columbus. There is just nothing like the beauty of the leaves changing and the slight chill in the air. Not to mention football season. Fall in Ohio nearly makes up for the horror that is the other three seasons of the year.

And during WINTER, I would live in St. George. Cool enough to need a jacket, and close enough to play in the snow, without having to shovel or drive in it.

What about you? Where would you live if you could relocate each season?

Temp Agency 2

My long time readers may remember when I posted about jobs my children would be good at. I have been thinking about it recently, and decided it was time for to update their resumes.

Damon would be a fantastic bus driver. He is extremely punctual and thrives on routine. If he needed to be at a bus stop at 8:13, he would be there at 8:13. Without fail. He would also be a great professional organizer. Granted, much of his organization plan includes shoving things under beds, but it will always look clean. He could also have a future in politics, as he will tell you exactly what you want to hear. "Damon, will you please take all your smelly socks out of the bathroom?" "Sure, mom." And, like any good politician, he seldom follows through.

Damon has also become quite the little tennis player. On the Wii. He may have a future as the next Federer or Nadal, but only if he is allowed to play from the comfort of his living room. One day I was bragging to Jeff that Damon had gotten so good, and I wouldn't be surprised if Damon could beat him. Jeff didn't believe me until he had lost two games. The third game was close until Jeff "accidentally" whacked Damon on the back of the head with the wiimote, giving Jeff the win. Fishy...

Allie would make a great exterminator. She is terrified of bugs and would love nothing more than to kill them all. Provided she can do it from a distance. Spring weather has brought with it a plethora of stink bugs, and Allie has had to learn to live with them. The first time she saw one, she screamed as though she had seen an alligator coming at her and quickly ran away. After much coaxing, some threatening, and a little beating, I finally got her to come within 10 yards of the thing, guaranteeing her that it wasn't going to hurt her. A few days later, armed with a new found courage, she managed to get close to one, convinced that she was no longer afraid. But I knew it was just a rouse. If she comes across one of the savage creatures unexpectedly, she is likely to break into hysterics. Which she did one day as we checked out the progress in our backyard. She refused to move from the rock she was on and wet herself as she cried uncontrollably. Now tell me you don't want this girl keeping your home insect free?

Allie may also have a career as the new Deep Throat, provided she can uncover any useful information. She is smack dab in the middle of the Tattletale Phase, and loves to inform me of everything anyone else is doing. I'm not sure what tattletales get paid, but there may be a way to become infamous if she uses it to her advantage.

Kyla, I believe, may also have a future as a politician. She is great at telling outright lies, smiling all the while. We were at the Bean Museum, where they kindly ask that you don't touch any of the animals. She and I were looking at a zebra or an antelope or a peacock, and she reached out and touched it (truthfully, she probably touched all three). I said, "Kyla, you can't touch the animals," to which she responded, "I didn't." And despite my argument that I saw her touch it with my own eyes, she never confessed. Look out John Edwards. You may have company in the charisma department.

If politics don't work out, Kyla could try out for a job as a circus performer. She is constantly doing things at the playground that she has no business doing (such as crawling across the top of the monkey bars), and is far braver than either of the other two children. She is also very resilient. Our landscaper was talking to Jeff about the girls, and said (about Allie)," She is such a little woman." Then, pointing to Kyla, he said, "And she's so sturdy." That she is.

I could also see Kyla making an appearance on a reality show like Big Brother. While we were in Arizona, she quickly discovered the best part of swimming: the hot tub. And when she wasn't sneaking off to the lazy river, she could be found lounging with the teenagers. I was sitting by her one time and she asked me, "can I pee in here?" I quickly told her no, of course not, but she smiled and said, "I already did."

As for Carter, his skills are still pretty limited. I'm not sure there is a big market for snorting like a pig and getting chubby. Right now, I'd say his best chance is a job as a competitive eater, because the boy likes to eat. And at this rate, he may even be able to get a job as a Sumo wrestler. We shall see.

Nursing Dilemma

First of all, I wanted to say thank you for all the comments/encouragement about my frustrations with nursing. It definitely means a lot knowing that there are others out there who understand and care about what I'm going through.

And so the nursing saga continues...a couple of weeks ago, it seemed like Carter was a lot sadder than usual, and I began to wonder if it were possible that he was hungry. I had pumped plenty of times during our trip, and was pretty sure he was getting enough (3 oz every three hours). But this particular Sunday, he just seemed like he wasn't getting full and kept crying. So, I pumped again. And this time I only got about 2 oz, which I knew wasn't enough. And so I made up the difference with a little formula. Only I quickly found that 3 oz wasn't enough for him, either. After some trial and error, we have now settled into a routine of 5 oz every three hours. And he rarely spits up after, so I don't think I'm overfeeding him.

(To clarify: I pump every 6 hours. Usually I get about 5 oz total. I mix half with formula and save half for the next feeding. At night I nurse when he wakes up and then sometimes give him a couple oz of formula if he still seems hungry. I don't necessarily want to encourage the night time feedings, though, so if he falls asleep nursing, I just put him back in bed. Thanks Lara! I'm sure I will want to remember exactly what I did).

Now comes the dilemma...do I try to get my body to make more milk, or do I slowly start to wean him? And this is where I am very conflicted. If any of my babies deserve the extra benefits of nursing (ie the antibodies and health benefits), it is this little love who had such a rough start to life. Plus, he has so few pleasures in life, and nursing is one of them, I feel awful taking it away from him.

On the other hand, he has been so much happier since he is getting full, and has actually started sleeping at night (at least one five hour stretch!). Plus, I don't have to worry about whether or not he is getting enough and it is very convenient to make him a bottle while I do other things.

Enter Exhibit A: The Neglected Fourth Child

I was trying to get dinner made and the kids were playing the Wii, so I had to be creative. This only lasted a couple of minutes, and Allie came and took over for me.

Every time I think about what to do, I start getting anxious. It is a big decision to make. I just want to do what is best for him. And I feel like my negativity about nursing may be partly to blame for my lack of milk production. And I do my best to avoid making any decision at all. I continue to pump and mix it with formula, hoping that I will either suddenly make a lot of milk, and the decision will be made, or I will make less, and again, the decision will be made.

I try to tell myself that I AM doing what is best for him (and not just what is best for me), because he seems to be doing so much better. And really, isn't that so much more important than trying to force the nursing issue when I was already having so many issues to begin with?

But since it looks like formula is going to be a part of our lives indefinitely, here is something we get to deal with (warning: the following photo is a bit graphic in nature):

Exhibit B: The Blowout

The pooping has become very regular (once a day, sometimes twice, but one will be a yellow "breast milk poop") very green, and very large. Hence the reason I asked on Facebook for any tips on getting baby poop out of clothes. The overwhelming answer was Fels Naptha soap, which I am still trying to track down. I'll let you know how that goes.

Ultimately, I believe that Carter is going to be just fine no matter what decision I make. So maybe what is better for me is truly what is best for him. He doesn't seem to be complaining.

Meanwhile, these other two (plus Allie, who refused to be in the picture since she couldn't hold Carter) are so glad he isn't so fragile anymore. And even if they drive me crazy (Damon calls him "Tar-Tar Sauce," which bugs me, and Kyla can't restrain herself from unclipping his binky and blaming someone else), I am glad they love him so much.

How I flashed a guy...

One story from the vault:

On the way home from Arizona, we stopped in Flagstaff to get gas, a Redbox movie and to use the potty. At this particular Maverik, the potties were the Portable type, which my girls found very interesting. I had to repeat several times just why they didn't have to flush it. Allie finished doing her business and I squatted for my turn (no way was I going to let my bare behind touch that lovely seat). And, as expected, Allie started to unlock the door to let herself out. Why is it that my children have a hard time waiting the 15.6 seconds it takes me to finish and are always prematurely exiting the bathroom stall? I will never know. But it is the case. Half-heartedly, I told her to stop, knowing full well she wasn't going to listen, but also knowing I was just about finished anyway and wasn't planning to linger. No sooner had she shut the door behind her, when I stood up to pull my pants back up. And that's when the door opened. And a man started to enter our port-a-potty. While I stood there, complete with full frontal nudity, trying to pull my pants up. He apologized and quickly left, but really, it wasn't his fault. It wasn't even Allie's. It was mine. You can bet I will think twice (or even three times) before I ever use the port-a-potty with any of my children. An empty water bottle in the back of a rental car would be better, if it meant I kept my dignity.

After leaving Maverik, a bit shaken, we got back on the road and I arranged my breast pump so that I could get a bottle ready for Carter. Jeff told me to get myself together quickly, as we were about to pass a car on the road, and I needed to cover up. Heaven forbid I expose myself again to another unsuspecting person.

This picture is from later on the trip, outside Page. We took a short hike to this viewpoint of Horseshoe Bend. And to get this shot we literally backed up without looking as Jeff arranged us. I don't think I would have liked knowing just how close we all were to the edge (not THAT close, but still).

Can anyone figure out how we got this picture? The answer is in the photo. 10 points to the first person who figures it out.

More to come later. Our desktop is currently being wiped clean of all viruses (apparently a lot) and we should have it back tomorrow. And I'll write more about my nursing dilemma.

Spring Break!

Oh man, I feel so behind. So I'm just going to jump right in.

We spent Spring Break in Arizona with Jeff's family. A fun TRIP (never a vacation with kids, right Cassie?), but also a lot of work. First, here are the things that I didn't love about it:
1. The drive, which ends up being about 11 hours, counting stops (I must admit, the kids did amazingly well. Even Carter, who cried every time we got in the car, did really well on the long drives. The new dvd player in the van may have had something to do with the kids good behavior).
2. The close quarters. In an effort to save money, we shared a 2 bedroom condo with Jeff's sister, her three kids and her fiance and his two kids. It was tight. And because there were really three families in there, we never got a break from the kids. They slept at the foot of our bed, and Carter slept between us. It made for some interesting nights to say the least.
3. The endless junk food. Having little control over the food my kids were eating was hard. Every time I saw Kyla, her mouth was stuffed full of candy. And I'm not exaggerating.
4. The sunburns. Yes, I knew we were a nice shade of shocking white when we arrived, and was prepared with 3 different sunblocks (30 for the body, 50 for reapplication and 8 for legs, as well as Kyla's special 30 for her sensitive face), but we all managed to get a little burned. Damon was miserable one day, with his tomato face.

But those were small in comparison with all the things I loved about the trip:
1. The weather! It was so nice and warm, without being overly hot. It was so great to remind myself that the sun is still out there and that someday it will be warm here, too.
2. Swimming (okay, to clarify, I will say watching the kids swim). The kids wore themselves out at the different (heated) pools every day and were exhausted at night. It was fun to see them having so much fun.

Love Kyla's blue mouth. Yes, she always had candy.

3. Visiting friends and family (of which, sadly, I have no pictures). We got together with all Jeff's high school friends/families one night and it was SO FUN! I only wish it could have gone on several more hours. I dearly love those people, who have become my friends, too. I also got to see my sister, Heather, twice and that was great. I wish she lived next door to me. I miss her. AND, I got to see my bestie from BYU, Sarah and her kids. Man, we scored!
4. Spending time outside. Carter even got to enjoy a bit of fresh air one day while we were swimming, and he even let me put him down long enough to take a picture .

But really, he still spent most of the trip like this, snuggling with me:

(Notice my sunburn. This was our first day there, Sunday. After our Easter activities, we sat on the grass and I couldn't resist a little sun. I paid for it the rest of the trip. )

We took the kids to Tucson one day to the Sonora Desert Museum (like a desert zoo), which was a lot of fun (again, no pics).

5. Sharing in Jeff's childhood memories. Later on Easter Sunday, we drove around Mesa and saw Jeff's old neighborhood before stopping at the Mesa temple.

6. Easter. It was a lot of fun to have a lot of cousins together for egg hunting and entertainment on Easter. We missed conference (and are now trying to catch up, thanks to the DVR), and the kids didn't get to wear their Easter clothes until we got back, but it was a great day.

Allie had a little meltdown the first time we tried to take pictures, so this is the second try. Again, I'm sure Kyla has candy in her mouth.

And because this post is so random with no structure whatsoever, here is a pic of the kids yesterday, in their actual Easter attire.


I know Carter is crying. But that's how I will remember him at this age, so it's very appropriate.

7. My favorite memory, though, is one that really surprised me. It was something I didn't plan on enjoying. One night, Jeff wanted to drive to the Superstition Mountains and take pictures at sunset. That didn't sound very fun to me, but I finally decided to go along (because there would be Mexican food at Rosa's after). We arrived and Jeff disappeared to take his pictures while the rest of us waited in the car. I fed Carter, and knew that we still had a lot of time to kill before Jeff would be back, so I suggested that we take a walk.

And somehow, everything came together. The kids were happy and willing to go. Carter was happy and didn't cry at all. The temperature was perfect. The scenery was beautiful. And everyone cooperated when I wanted to take pictures.

As I was snapping away, all of a sudden, I had an overwhelming feeling of love for these four little people. And there was no reason for it, other than I just felt grateful that we could all be there together. I felt extremely lucky that we were able to do all the fun stuff we were doing, and that we were making memories together. It was a magical moment, one I know I'll always remember. I think this is my favorite picture of the trip.

I love that Kyla is holding desperately to Carter's arm, because that is what she always does. I love that Damon is the big brother, protecting his little buddy. I love that Allie is posing. I just love it. And I love those little monsters. I only wish Jeff had been there, too, at that moment. But knowing he was close by made it alright.

So, it was worth it. And I'm sure we'll do it again. Just not anytime soon. I am still trying to get things put back together, and I probably will be for several days. Which means that things are back to normal. Except I am a slightly darker shade of white now. Woo hoo!

Two Months

Well, we have almost made it through March. Which means that Carter made it to two months without any more problems. He had his appointment (and first round of shots) on Tuesday, and here are his stats:

11 lbs 3 oz (45%)
22.5 in (45%)
35 cm (20%)

So, he's growing and doesn't have quite the pinhead he did a few weeks ago. He has a slight wheeze when he breathes (most likely he is going to have asthma), but since the rest of the kids are sick, we feel good about how well he is doing, considering.


For comparison's sake, Kyla was 11 lbs 9 oz at 2 months and Allie was 12 lbs 1 oz (Damon didn't have an appointment until 3 months, as we had just moved to Ohio, but was 15 lbs at three months). So, Carter is the smallest of my babies to this point (not surprising, considering all he went through), but is growing and doing well.

Also of note, right around two months, all three kids were were starting to sleep through the night (about 7 hours). Carter is FAR from reaching that milestone. In fact, I think he has yet to sleep more than 3 hours in any one stretch since he was born (well, except for the 4 days he slept while on the vent, but morphine had something to do with that). That is probably the biggest thing I am looking forward to changing. This isn't going to be a complaining post, but definitely something I want to remember.


This is how I see Carter most of the time, if I want to get anything done. He is pretty high maintenance, and doesn't like to be put down. Even if he is dead asleep, if I lay him down, he will start crying within a few minutes. And so, I have learned that if I'm going to accomplish anything in the day, it's usually going to be with my 11 lb weight strapped to my chest.


Now, I must admit, that the past few days he has shown signs of improvement. He has managed to sit happily in his bouncy chair for up to 10 minutes, which he wouldn't have done a week ago. Yet we know that when he starts engaging us, and giving us his smiles, he will soon be crying. As in, "You have 30 seconds of good behavior and then I'm done."

At nights, he doesn't really like his bed. And so he gets to sleep with me. One night last week I saw the clock at least once every hour of the night. He wasn't super fussy, but he just woke up a lot. And those kind of nights catch up with me after a few days, and I feel like I am running on fumes most of the time.

Oh, here is one of the other three. Yes, I still love them, too. These are not their Easter clothes, but new all the same. I managed to get them all ready for church before 8:45 without Jeff (who is now in bishopbric meeting at 7:20), and I wanted to take a pic. What you don't see is that I was still in my jammers, as I was staying home with the babe. Hopefully in the next couple weeks we will all feel good enough to go to church together.


Oh, and it looks like Carter is starting out with blue eyes, just like Damon did.

Breast is Best

Okay, who had $58,000? Because that was the total on the itemized statement. I actually thought it would be a lot more. We are still getting bills from the pediatrician and the neonatologist, and I'm not sure who else is lurking in the shadows hoping to make a buck off of us, but the number is bound to rise. I will try to remember to get the final total if I can.

And no, we are not responsible for that much, thank goodness! I'm not 100% sure how it will all play out, but I think we have a $3500 deductible for the year, which will easily be reached. Also, as luck would have it, we have a Conseco policy (taken out to help pay for my hospital stay) that covers the whole family, and should give us another $2500 for Carter's stay. So, while I'm not completely confident that we will only have to shell out $1000, that is what I am expecting. Of course, there may be something I am unaware of, but that is what I know.

Okay, now down to the real post I have floating around in my head.

I have a confession to make. I don't love breast feeding. And I feel like by admitting that, I may be losing some of my points in Heaven, but it's true.

And before you start scrolling down to the bottom of this post so you can leave me an angrily worded comment about how I can't stop nursing Carter, as he clearly needs any antibodies I can pass on to him, let me assure you that I will continue breast feeding for as long as I can. Really, you should know me by now. I do things that I am supposed to do. That's just who I am. And breast feeding is what you're supposed to do, if you can. Besides, I understand all the reasons why "breast is best:"

My baby will have less illness, he will get the adequate nutrition at the optimal temperature, he won't become obese due to overfeeding, he will be less colicky and have fewer ear infections, and he will be more likely to get into BYU, I know. And those reasons alone are enough to keep me breast feeding. Not to mention the fact that I get to eat more food, burn more calories, and wear a bran whose cup size isn't A. Those are just added bonuses. But all those things still haven't convinced me to fall in love with it.

I have a good friend in Florida who was completely grossed out by nursing. When she had her little girl, she had no interest in even trying it. It just wasn't for her. And she always gave us patronizing smiles when we talked about breast feeding, probably trying to figure out how she could get out of the conversation without having to talk about it. I'm not like that. I am not grossed out by breast feeding. I may, at times, turn my head in embarrassment when I see a woman openly feeding her child in public, free from any blanket shield or cute nursing cover. I may also cringe internally when I see a child who could only be described as a preschooler tugging at his mom's shirt to get a quick drink. But in general, nursing doesn't gross me out. My issues are much different.

I just don't love it. I don't feel a swell of love every time my baby latches on. Instead, I bite my lip, wincing at the pain that always occurs those first few seconds. Instead of reveling in the closeness my baby and I share, I find myself watching the clock, wondering if I can safely dislodge his little lips without waking him up, positive that he stopped nursing for nourishment 15 minutes earlier.

I realize that I have had a bit of bad luck this time around: I have had clogged milk ducts and breast infections on and off again multiple times, probably due to the 12 days Carter was in the hospital and I had to pump. Also, the pain of breast feeding hasn't ever really gone away (especially on the left side, for some reason we really struggle on that side), and I constantly feel like I am either being poked with a white hot coal or stung by a swarm of killer bees. Couple that with the fact that this little love of mine LOVES to nurse, and you may begin to see why now, on my fourth baby, I still haven't been converted to the joys of nursing.

I do realize that this may seem blasphemous to many of you, and I do apologize. I hope you will find it in your heart to forgive me. It's just that sometimes I fantasize about how life would be if I chose to bottle feed instead. I wouldn't feel so tied down, knowing that I need at least 20 minutes every three hours free to sit down and nurse. And I would be able to, occasionally, turn over the responsibility of feeding for an entire night. And I could sleep. That would be amazing.

So, you can save your arguments. I am convinced that breast feeding is best for the baby. I'm just not convinced that it's best for me. And I am not convinced that I would somehow be missing out by bottle feeding. The things that I love about nursing (the way my sweet baby looks at me with big, beautiful eyes from only a few inches away) could easily be the same things I love about bottle feeding. I just love those big beautiful eyes.

And so, because I believe it is best for him, I will persevere. He WILL be more likely to get into BYU, right?

Sorry, this picture is a little blurry, as it was taken with my phone. But I love that he's giving me a smile. Probably happy because he just finished breast feeding for 30 minutes. :)

Baby vs Boyfriend

Why having a baby is better than having a boyfriend:

1. You can dress him in anything you like.
2. He always lets you have the last word.
3. He is getting fatter and his hairline is receding, and he doesn't care at all about either.
4. He thinks snuggling with you is the best thing in life.
5. He will eat the same thing for every meal and never gets sick of it.
6. He saves all his best smiles for you.
7. He farts, burps and spits in front of you and you aren't embarrassed.
8. He will stay up late with you watching anything you like on tv.
9. He doesn't mind the extra weight you've put on; in fact, he likes you a little soft.
10. He will never love anyone the way he loves you.

Madness

Our league, "That Was Tricky." Here were the standings after round 1:

1. Heddabee (Heather) 24
2. KyKy 23
3. El Guapo (Jeff) 22
3. Alofafino woop woop (Tara) 22
3. wayne 22
4. Father Esplin 21
5. Da Monsta! (Damon) 20
5. Allie-a-babwa 20
5. Tortilla Legs (Krystal) 20

Yes, I was getting beaten by everyone, and only tied with my kids.

Round 2:

1. Heddabee 50
2. KyKy 41
3.Father Esplin 39
4. ElGuapo 38
4. Alofafino woop woop 38
4. wayne 38
5. Tortilla Legs 36
6. Da Monsta! 30
6. Allie-a-babwa 30

That's right, I am now beating two of my three kids. Woot woot!

Million Dollar Baby

We have been having internet difficulties lately, so this post has been sitting and waiting for days. I am crossing my fingers and hoping that today's the day (not "tonight's the night") that I will get it finished.

While my mom was here visiting, she made some homemade laundry soap that we have been using. I thought I would pass it on, in case anyone is interested. Definitely another way to save some money, and with the increased laundry I am doing thanks to the little love, I am grateful for that. The recipe for powdered laundry detergent is:

1/2 c. Borax
1/2 c. Washing soda
1 bar Ivory soap


Borax is easy to find, on most laundry aisles. The Washing Soda is a little harder to find. My mom got it at Harmon's in St. George. Grate the soap (my cheese grater works fine) and mix the three ingredients in a large Ziploc bag. Mix together thoroughly, until powdery.



I don't add any fragrance, but you can add some essential oils if you want your laundry to smell good. I store mine in a large yogurt container, and use 1-2 tablespoons with each load. It is low sudsing, so it is good for HE machines like mine.

What else have we been doing besides making laundry detergent? I bet you can guess.


Yep, I have been holding Carter. A lot. And I love it. Most of the time. I have taken to toting him around in the Baby Bjorn so I can things done, because he still doesn't like to be put down. He seems to really enjoy that, and spends most of his time with his head buried in my bosom. Who wouldn't like that?

Allie is being very good about keeping her distance. We told the kids they can hold him again in April, and she asks every day how many more days. He started smiling at us, which of course we haven't been able to fully catch on camera, but makes us all extremely happy.

Damon loves taking pictures, and when I am in a good mood, I let him use our camera. This is one of the best pictures he took (out of about 50). I love how sweet Carter looks. And it proves that occasionally he can sleep somewhere other than my arms.

And we started getting statements from the hospital for Carter (no bills yet, just statements). You can see in this picture that Carter looks awfully concerned as Jeff reviews some of the statements from the insurance company.

Now for a fun game...let's play a little Price is Right with Carter's hospital bill. The itemized statement we received was 5 or 6 pages long and ended with a huge number. Let's see if you can guess how much everything cost. Here are a few highlights to help you make a guess:

He had 14 chest x-rays, 17 blood gases, 8 days of normal care, 4 days of 24 hour personal care while he was on the ventilator, a picc line, 10 days of antibiotics, 2 days of IV TPN, a spinal tap and multiple other tests. How much do you think all that cost?

Another note: I am so glad that we have health insurance. I realize that health care in this country is out of control, and something needs to be done about it. Everyone needs insurance, and Carter proves it. I wish I had the answer of how to make that happen, but I don't. Instead, I just thank my lucky stars that we did have health insurance and are not going to have to mortage our home to pay for our son.

Okay, there is more to say, but Carter is getting antsy. And Jeff, who is holding him, is getting antsy.

Facebook Post

I was on Facebook, looking through my posts on my profile for a recipe I thought was there, and thought it was very interesting to read my posts from January on. This is mostly for me, my life in a nutshell the last few months. Feel free to skip this entirely.

Jan.1
Buckeyes were awesome! I barely recognized Pryor out there!
Jan. 2
Someone dropped my iPhone and the screen is blank. No one is confessing. I may have to beat them all!
Jan. 11
is pottytraining. Against my will. My two year old keeps taking her diaper off and putting on undies.
Jan. 12
Starting to think about landscaping. What are some things you love? Firepit? Inground trampoline? Pergola? Waterfall? Sport court?
Jan. 18
Had an awesome weekend with the fam in St G for my beother's farewell. 9 more days until he goes into the MTC.Of course I meant brother. How did auto correct miss that one?
Jan. 19
Thinking about making some meals to freeze. Any suggestions?
Jan. 23
Round one of Kris vs Adam; which one do you like better, Live Like You're Dying or What Do You Want From Me?
Jan. 25
Damon (my 7 yr old) just got back from a four day trip to Disneyland with his cousin. I'm glad he had fun, but even more glad that he's home safe!
Jan. 29
After failing the non stress test, today became baby day! Epidural is in, pit is going, now we just wait. Yay!
Carter Edward Trapnell, born at 5:32 pm. 7 lbs. 1 oz, and everything went smoothly. Grandma made it about 5 minutes before he was born!
Feb. 2
My body thinks it's fun to make enough milk for four babies.
Feb. 5
Went bowling today with the family. Jeff-173, Damon-86, Allie/Kyla team-80, Carter-perfect 10 for not making a peep. Mom-not in bowling shape just yet!
Feb. 16
Didn't get much sleep last night. Both girls woke up wet. Feeling defeated and the day has just begun.
Feb. 18
Another day of sickness here at home. How much longer until Spring?
Feb. 19
In the hospital with Carter, probably looking at RSV. Poor baby, it breaks my heart to see him so miserable.
Feb. 20
Carter is doing better. He's breathing so much better (with a little help from the CPAP), and has gotten his fight back. Please keep praying for him, he's got a long way to go!

Carter is doing pretty good tonight. He has a lot more spunk and is mad about everything being done to him. Hopefully tomorrow we can start feeding him (through a tube).
Feb. 21
Carter had to be intubated early this morning. He just wore himself out doing all the breathing on his own. But he is doing well, with minimal support. Please keep praying for him! I know it's helping and we appreciate it so much!
Feb. 22
I am tired. It is a myth that you can sleep in a hospital.
Feb. 23
Carter is doing a little better today. Stable. Still more sick than I'd ever want him to be.
Feb. 25
Carter is off the ventilator!
Feb. 26
Carter is doing well off the vent. It is wonderful to hear his cry again, I just wish I wouldn't have heard it all night long! :)
March 1
Doing better today. I think the end may be in sight!
March 2
Taking Carter home. Finally.
March 3
Today, while mopping the floor, I pretended I was curling. Watch for me in 2014!
March 6
Carter doesn't want to be put down. Ever. I can't say I blame him after all he has been through.
March 8
Two loaves of banana bread are baking in the oven. Kyla comes in and tells me, "I take the bread out of the oven." I didn't believe her, until I saw one loaf of bread and an oven mitt on the table. AHHH!
March 10
What to make of this: Kyla comes into the family room (where I am holding the baby) with a steak knife and says, "I'm going to kill Carter!" Starved for love and attention?
March 12
Watching Honey I Shrunk the Kids with my boys. The girls are in St G with grandma for the night and Jeff is getting ready to cheer on the Cougs down in Las Vegas. Who will have the best time tonight?

Progression/Regression

With all the drama with Carter, I may have neglected the rest of the family a teeny bit. I know it's always an adjustment for everyone when a new baby comes home, and Carter's hospitalization probably really heightened the need to adjust.

Jeff went back to work last week (what a blessing it was that he had a week off during the worst of Carter's illness!), and his role as part-time babysitter has ended. That's not to say that his life has returned to normal (not even a new normal), because he was called to be the Executive Secretary in our ward. I'm excited for him and his new responsibilities, and I know it will be a great opportunity for him to serve, but it's not going to be easy. He has a LOT of meetings. And a lot of responsibility. Because he is now in charge of scheduling all the appointments for the bishop, we had spend FHE teaching our kids how to answer the phone. Mostly, I ignore the home phone, because the majority of the time it rings, no one is on the other end. The phone company thinks people are trying to fax something to our home number. It's quite annoying, and I decided that if an actual person is trying to call, they can leave a message. Or they can text me the way I would prefer.

Damon has been a little extra sensitive lately, crying over things that aren't that big of a deal. It makes Jeff crazy. To me, he's still little and has every right to cry, as long as he can get himself under control. He has been so good about keeping his room clean, and I have pretty much just assumed he was doing a good job. Yesterday I told him to change into a pair of jeans with no holes (he has 3), and he told me he couldn't find any. But because I had done laundry on Monday, I was suspicious. So I went to find out what happened. Under his bed I found enough clothes to do an entire load. And enough trash and other things he had collected to fill a garbage bag. So I spent some time getting his room "actually clean." I also got rid of enough clothes to fill another garbage bag (including 3 or 4 pairs of jeans with huge holes in the knees), so I hope that will help him stay clean.

Allie has really seemed grown up lately. Her drama has really been minimized and she is 100 times more helpful than she has ever been in her life. It's no secret that she has been my challenge for the past 4 years, and I have to admit that she has become so much fun. She loves to take pictures, which I rarely allow, but I thought it would be fun to actually have proof that I live here, too, so I let her take a couple of me with the kidlets yesterday. We talked about making sure that she didn't cut anyone out of the screen. I think she did a good job.


Of course, just as we see all this progress out of Allie, Kyla seems to have regressed. She decided a couple of weeks ago that potty training was overrated. Instead of using the toilet, she thought it would be fun to pee in front of the toilet, on the floor. She has done this a handful of times. She also thought it would be fun to pee on the rug. She has only done this once (that I know of), and she got in big trouble, so hopefully that urge has been squelched. When I ask her why, she says, "because I want to."


She has also shown other signs of having her emotional love tank a little empty (term from the Love Languages). She came into the room the other day with a steak knife and said, "I'm going to kill Carter!" That's a little hard to ignore. She took a loaf of banana bread out of the oven (using an oven mitt) and set it carefully on the table the other day, too. She poured half the fish food into the fish tank when I was trying to take a nap. Anything she thinks she can do, she does. I know it's because she is having a hard time with the lack of attention she is currently getting. I have been trying hard to do things with her, like reading with just her before bedtime in her bed, and I hope to see some payoff soon.

Carter is doing really well. He just loves to be held. Every day, I try to set him down (I have to at some point) with varying results. Most of the time, he cries. But every now and then, he will actually sleep somewhere other than in my arms. Currently, he is in the bouncy chair on the counter, with the dishwasher running. He fell asleep there when I was getting the girls lunch and I am scared to even breathe wrong, afraid that he'll wake up. He still spends most of his nights in bed with me, but did sleep for about 4 hours in his crib last night (after two different feedings), so that is progress.

And he smiled at me for the first time the other day. It warmed my heart like a pot of chocolate fondue. Since then, he has smiled at me about half a dozen times, and I know it will never get old. It seems it's a lot of work for him to smile, though, and he usually cries shortly after. Oh well, I'll take whatever I can get.

We wanted to do a comparison between Damon at one month and Carter. This is a picture (professional, obviously) of Damon:

Carter was wearing the same jacket, so we tried to set him in the same position for comparison. We only got one shot (and not even a very good one) before he was done. Still, it's kind of fun to compare.

Maybe we'll try again if Carter seems cooperative (doubtful). I think they look alike, but definitely have their differences.



I am doing the best that I can. Most of the time, I feel good. I love being a mom and I love four kids. And while the newborn stage is definitely not my favorite, I have really enjoyed it. And those moments that creep up where I feel like I'll never have my own life are easily squashed back down. Just don't ask me if we're going to have any more, because although I think I do want one more, right now is not the time to ask. The answer would definitely be no.

Everyone has been so incredibly great to us. I have realized that my "love language" is Acts of Service (I think Jeff's is,too, if you can believe it), so you can imagine how loved I have felt lately. Thank you, thank you, thank you to you all. Good has come (and will continue to come, I am sure) from this experience.

Being a Baby

Tuesday, day 11, was a great day. Carter decided he had had enough of the hospital and started breathing better. FINALLY. Throughout the day, we turned his oxygen down a little at a time, seeing what he would tolerate. He did fine, even on room air, and it was decided that we could go home. Halle-freakin-lujah. We weren't the least bit sad about packing up all our belongings and getting out of there. Even if it meant not having a nurse available to rock him at 5:00 am while I passed out on the bed from exhaustion. It also meant no one else to bug him, no more monitors or oxygen cannulas to get in the way as I tried to snuggle with him.

The last day in the hospital

Since we have been home, life has been so much better. Carter is doing fantastic. His lungs are clear and he hasn't had any problems at all. The doctor said it's time for him to start being a baby. The hard part is going to be keeping him from getting sick again. The kids aren't allowed to hold him for a little while, and we have been trying to encourage good hand washing every few hours. All we can do is hope that his little body will heal and not fall victim to anything else that is going around. He isn't allowed out, so Jeff and I will switch off going to church. Kyla will probably suffer as much as anyone, since we won't be going to story time at the library or computer class for a while. I am just praying for warmer weather soon so we can at least play outside!

My biggest complaint is that he doesn't want to be put down. He wants to be held all the time. He doesn't like the swing, the bouncy chair, sleeping in his own bed...he likes being held. And he likes sleeping snuggled up to me in bed. For now, I don't mind. I realize that he has been through a whole lot and I am willing to give him a little more love if that is what he needs. It's like we started all over with a newborn and I know I'm going to have to be patient with him.

You can clearly see in his one month shots that he doesn't like being undressed and set down. There was no hope of getting anything without him screaming.


Here's a rare shot of him sleeping on my bed. It lasted about five minutes. Still, too cute.

Here are a few more things I want to write down before I forget.

1. Everyone has been so amazing. We have felt so much love from our family and friends and truly felt their (your) prayers strengthening us. Facebook has been the mass prayer chain, and I'm so grateful for it.
2. One day when Jeff was at the hospital, it snowed a little and I sent Damon out to clear a path for me. It's still too big a job for him to do on his own, so I went out to do it. A teenage boy came running down the hill and offered to finish it for me. I don't know who he is or why he was inspired to come and help, but I'm so grateful for that.

3. Carter weighed 8 lbs 3 oz when he went into the hospital and 8 lbs 4 oz when he came out.
4. All the stress helped me drop another 5 pounds, leaving me with 15 to go to get back to pre-pregnancy weight.
5. Huggies diapers, the kind they use in the hospital, leak and I won't use them for Carter anymore. Pampers all the way!
6. Carter loves his binky and I am so glad. I don't know what we'd do without it. My chest is raw all over again (yes, it really is like having a newborn again after so much time pumping), and I can only take so much sucking.

7. February was a tough month for the Esplin family. I couldn't be happier to welcome March. Hopefully it will be just what we all need to get life back to normal. Or a new normal, anyway. One with the baby being a baby.

Thoughts

Some thoughts as I sit, once again, in this peach hospital chair,

To answer some of the questions I have been asked: While Carter was on CPAP (back a lifetime ago), he wasn't getting any feedings. He was on IV fluids first and then something called TPN, which has proteins and lipids for a little nourishment. Once he was on the vent and doing well, we started feeding him through his NG tube. We started with 6 ml and worked up to 80 ml (about 2 1/2 oz) every 3 hours. I would pump every few hours, taking my magazine into the pump room (and feeling a little dirty about it:) and saving my milk in the fridge/freezer. After he came off the vent, he took bottles of breast milk for a day before we started nursing again. He has done extremely well with his feedings, and I feel like we're starting all over again with the pains of nursing.

When he was on the ventilator, he couldn't make any noise. Sometimes the nurse would be listening to his lungs and would tell me that she could hear him crying, but we didn't hear a noise. Some nurses kept him heavily sedated (to the point that they would give him more meds if he started moving his arms around) , but one nurse (the one who was with him during the day on Monday-Wednesday) let him be awake more, as long as he wasn't flailing around, trying to get that tube out. That was when I shot the video clip of him looking around. I wasn't allowed to hold him until after he was extubated, which was so hard. Especially when I could see he was upset and I just wanted to crawl up on his tiny bed next to him to comfort him.

Now that he is doing better, he doesn't have a nurse with him all the time, which is nice, but also a lot more lonely. Carter isn't exactly a great conversationalist, and it gets a little lonely here clicking through the same channels over and over. I haven't seen much of Jeff at all. We pass each other at the hospital as one of us takes a shift at the hospital and the other takes the other kids home. It's like we're in a long distance relationship, resorting to sharing information over the phone, with frequent 30-second sightings. I know it's getting hard on Jeff. He isn't used to spending this much time taking care of a baby, and he has had to be here a lot so the other kids don't forget that they have a mommy.

It's also hard on me. There are moments every day where I feel completely spent, both emotionally and physically. I am not getting much sleep at all, which I know makes things harder, and we're now going on day 11, which is a lot longer than we thought we would be here. My brain is not functioning properly. I parked Jeff's 4Runner in the parking lot one day and accidentally left the lights on. Then I forgot that the car was here, and three days later when we went to go pick it up, the battery was shot. He had to get a new one. I completely spaced kindergarten registration last week and now have to figure out what I need to do to get Allie enrolled in school next year. I can't remember things that happened yesterday, much less things that happened a week ago. It's like my mind is clouded and I'm constantly trying to see through the fog.

The kids are, for the most part, handling things very well. They have been up to visit a couple of times, and they are more interested in eating all the snacks and begging to play in the toy room than they are in their baby brother. A couple of times I have tried to lie down and take a nap while the kids play, but that hasn't exactly worked out. Once, I put Damon in charge and told him I needed one hour without disruption. Twenty minutes later, he was banging on the door, frantic because Kyla had chosen that moment to dump half a bottle of fish food in the fish tank. Instead of napping, I had to suction as much as I could get, so the fish didn't overindulge.

Yesterday, I again asked them to let me lie down and put in some bright orange ear plugs. I invited Kyla to nap with me (hoping to avoid any more disasters), but she declined. A little while later, I felt her in bed next to me, trying to remove my ear plugs. I told her to leave them alone, and a while later she was asking Allie to get my chapstick for her. Allie asked where it was, and Kyla said, "in mom's ear." Apparently she hasn't been introduced to ear plugs yet.

Carter's progress continues to be slow. We had to put him on high flow oxygen because he was just breathing too fast, and the doctor didn't want him to wear himself out again. Again, it felt like a step backward when we should have been moving forward, but at least he has avoided CPAP again. His oxygen saturation is fine, but he still breathes about 60 times a minute, even with the increased oxygen. Ideally, he would be in the 50's with no outside help. That is the goal. That is what we are working toward. Today is the last day he has his antibiotics, so his PICC line can come out soon. His lungs sound good and his secretions are minimal, so we're just waiting for his breathing to slow down so we can start talking about when he can come home.