Being a Baby

Tuesday, day 11, was a great day. Carter decided he had had enough of the hospital and started breathing better. FINALLY. Throughout the day, we turned his oxygen down a little at a time, seeing what he would tolerate. He did fine, even on room air, and it was decided that we could go home. Halle-freakin-lujah. We weren't the least bit sad about packing up all our belongings and getting out of there. Even if it meant not having a nurse available to rock him at 5:00 am while I passed out on the bed from exhaustion. It also meant no one else to bug him, no more monitors or oxygen cannulas to get in the way as I tried to snuggle with him.

The last day in the hospital

Since we have been home, life has been so much better. Carter is doing fantastic. His lungs are clear and he hasn't had any problems at all. The doctor said it's time for him to start being a baby. The hard part is going to be keeping him from getting sick again. The kids aren't allowed to hold him for a little while, and we have been trying to encourage good hand washing every few hours. All we can do is hope that his little body will heal and not fall victim to anything else that is going around. He isn't allowed out, so Jeff and I will switch off going to church. Kyla will probably suffer as much as anyone, since we won't be going to story time at the library or computer class for a while. I am just praying for warmer weather soon so we can at least play outside!

My biggest complaint is that he doesn't want to be put down. He wants to be held all the time. He doesn't like the swing, the bouncy chair, sleeping in his own bed...he likes being held. And he likes sleeping snuggled up to me in bed. For now, I don't mind. I realize that he has been through a whole lot and I am willing to give him a little more love if that is what he needs. It's like we started all over with a newborn and I know I'm going to have to be patient with him.

You can clearly see in his one month shots that he doesn't like being undressed and set down. There was no hope of getting anything without him screaming.


Here's a rare shot of him sleeping on my bed. It lasted about five minutes. Still, too cute.

Here are a few more things I want to write down before I forget.

1. Everyone has been so amazing. We have felt so much love from our family and friends and truly felt their (your) prayers strengthening us. Facebook has been the mass prayer chain, and I'm so grateful for it.
2. One day when Jeff was at the hospital, it snowed a little and I sent Damon out to clear a path for me. It's still too big a job for him to do on his own, so I went out to do it. A teenage boy came running down the hill and offered to finish it for me. I don't know who he is or why he was inspired to come and help, but I'm so grateful for that.

3. Carter weighed 8 lbs 3 oz when he went into the hospital and 8 lbs 4 oz when he came out.
4. All the stress helped me drop another 5 pounds, leaving me with 15 to go to get back to pre-pregnancy weight.
5. Huggies diapers, the kind they use in the hospital, leak and I won't use them for Carter anymore. Pampers all the way!
6. Carter loves his binky and I am so glad. I don't know what we'd do without it. My chest is raw all over again (yes, it really is like having a newborn again after so much time pumping), and I can only take so much sucking.

7. February was a tough month for the Esplin family. I couldn't be happier to welcome March. Hopefully it will be just what we all need to get life back to normal. Or a new normal, anyway. One with the baby being a baby.

Thoughts

Some thoughts as I sit, once again, in this peach hospital chair,

To answer some of the questions I have been asked: While Carter was on CPAP (back a lifetime ago), he wasn't getting any feedings. He was on IV fluids first and then something called TPN, which has proteins and lipids for a little nourishment. Once he was on the vent and doing well, we started feeding him through his NG tube. We started with 6 ml and worked up to 80 ml (about 2 1/2 oz) every 3 hours. I would pump every few hours, taking my magazine into the pump room (and feeling a little dirty about it:) and saving my milk in the fridge/freezer. After he came off the vent, he took bottles of breast milk for a day before we started nursing again. He has done extremely well with his feedings, and I feel like we're starting all over again with the pains of nursing.

When he was on the ventilator, he couldn't make any noise. Sometimes the nurse would be listening to his lungs and would tell me that she could hear him crying, but we didn't hear a noise. Some nurses kept him heavily sedated (to the point that they would give him more meds if he started moving his arms around) , but one nurse (the one who was with him during the day on Monday-Wednesday) let him be awake more, as long as he wasn't flailing around, trying to get that tube out. That was when I shot the video clip of him looking around. I wasn't allowed to hold him until after he was extubated, which was so hard. Especially when I could see he was upset and I just wanted to crawl up on his tiny bed next to him to comfort him.

Now that he is doing better, he doesn't have a nurse with him all the time, which is nice, but also a lot more lonely. Carter isn't exactly a great conversationalist, and it gets a little lonely here clicking through the same channels over and over. I haven't seen much of Jeff at all. We pass each other at the hospital as one of us takes a shift at the hospital and the other takes the other kids home. It's like we're in a long distance relationship, resorting to sharing information over the phone, with frequent 30-second sightings. I know it's getting hard on Jeff. He isn't used to spending this much time taking care of a baby, and he has had to be here a lot so the other kids don't forget that they have a mommy.

It's also hard on me. There are moments every day where I feel completely spent, both emotionally and physically. I am not getting much sleep at all, which I know makes things harder, and we're now going on day 11, which is a lot longer than we thought we would be here. My brain is not functioning properly. I parked Jeff's 4Runner in the parking lot one day and accidentally left the lights on. Then I forgot that the car was here, and three days later when we went to go pick it up, the battery was shot. He had to get a new one. I completely spaced kindergarten registration last week and now have to figure out what I need to do to get Allie enrolled in school next year. I can't remember things that happened yesterday, much less things that happened a week ago. It's like my mind is clouded and I'm constantly trying to see through the fog.

The kids are, for the most part, handling things very well. They have been up to visit a couple of times, and they are more interested in eating all the snacks and begging to play in the toy room than they are in their baby brother. A couple of times I have tried to lie down and take a nap while the kids play, but that hasn't exactly worked out. Once, I put Damon in charge and told him I needed one hour without disruption. Twenty minutes later, he was banging on the door, frantic because Kyla had chosen that moment to dump half a bottle of fish food in the fish tank. Instead of napping, I had to suction as much as I could get, so the fish didn't overindulge.

Yesterday, I again asked them to let me lie down and put in some bright orange ear plugs. I invited Kyla to nap with me (hoping to avoid any more disasters), but she declined. A little while later, I felt her in bed next to me, trying to remove my ear plugs. I told her to leave them alone, and a while later she was asking Allie to get my chapstick for her. Allie asked where it was, and Kyla said, "in mom's ear." Apparently she hasn't been introduced to ear plugs yet.

Carter's progress continues to be slow. We had to put him on high flow oxygen because he was just breathing too fast, and the doctor didn't want him to wear himself out again. Again, it felt like a step backward when we should have been moving forward, but at least he has avoided CPAP again. His oxygen saturation is fine, but he still breathes about 60 times a minute, even with the increased oxygen. Ideally, he would be in the 50's with no outside help. That is the goal. That is what we are working toward. Today is the last day he has his antibiotics, so his PICC line can come out soon. His lungs sound good and his secretions are minimal, so we're just waiting for his breathing to slow down so we can start talking about when he can come home.

Carter update

On Thursday morning, Jeff called from the hospital and said that Carter had done so well during the night that they were going to extubate him. This was incredibly great news! After four days of being on the ventilator, it was a huge relief that he didn't need it anymore. They pulled the tube out of his throat, and his poor little voice was so hoarse when he cried, it made me so sad. After a breathing treatment and some suction, they put him on some nasal oxygen to see how he'd do. There was always the possibility that he'd have to go back on the nasal CPAP if he wasn't getting enough oxygen, but we thought we were done with the ventilator.

Since then, he has done very well. He was pretty miserable all day Thursday and Thursday night. I'm sure he felt awful. His throat probably hurt, he was trying to shake off all the sedation meds he had been given, and he was probably just as sick of the hospital as we were. I was so happy to hear his voice again, the crying didn't really bother me. Until about 1:00 am when I was desperate for a little sleep. I knew he must be so worn out, and that eventually he would have to sleep, but he held out. He'd sleep for a few minutes at a time and then wake up and cry. The nurse came in to check his vitals at 1:00 and I about passed out on the bed. I vaguely remember her asking if she wanted me to feed him a bottle (he still wasn't allowed to nurse until he got the hang of feeding again. There was a lot of coughing and choking involved the first few times).

Finally, after being up and down to the point of not really remembering much of anything, at his 4:00 feeding, he fell asleep. And we both slept until 7:30. The worst part of it all was that I couldn't walk around the room or really wrap him up. He still has monitors, oxygen tubes and his picc line to worry about, so we were confined to a 2 foot radius next to his bed for any and all comforting. I would have loved to put him in bed with me, where he loves to snuggle, but that was not an option.

Friday morning, the pediatrician came to see him and took him off the oxygen for a test run. He didn't pass, but started desatting a little, so he put the oxygen back on and turned it down to 1/8 of a liter, just a "trace," as they call it. He was still breathing fast, but his last chest xray looked better and his lungs sounded better. All good signs. Jeff spent all day with him while I tried to get things caught up back at home. Jeff can handle things at home, but the dishes, the laundry and the general cleaning gets neglected. So I spent the afternoon trying to put the house back together. Last night I went back to the hospital to spend the night there. He was so much happier, almost like the little boy I remember from a week ago. He slept 2-3 hours at a time and didn't have any of the fussiness he had the night before. He looked at me for a long time, and I thought I just might get that first smile out of him, but it didn't come. Soon, I know.



Now, we are just waiting to see if we can get him off the oxygen altogether. He is still breathing faster than they would like, so the Respiratory Therapist is still suctioning his nose to see if that helps. He still has a couple more days left of the antibiotic, and the doctor doesn't want him to come home with the picc line in, so it may be a few more days before he is ready to be out of there. We are getting anxious, but trying to be patient. We really want him to be well before we bring him back home, even though the kids seem to be over their sicknesses. It will be nice to be a family again.

Carter vid

Carter is a little better today. Improving slowly. Still the sweetest thing you can imagine. If you have time, you can check out this clip from yesterday afternoon.

One Step Forward...Two Steps Back

(Sorry no pictures with this post--I am using the hospital's wireless to write and don't have my pictures accessible).

One step forward, two steps back. That seems to be the way things have gone since we got into the hospital, and it was that way again Sunday evening. Carter had been doing well on the ventilator, although he was having to get more oxygen than they would have liked. Around 5:00, he started having trouble, and there were people running around frantically, taking x-rays, listening to his chest, and paging the neonatologist (never a good sign, right?).

The xray came back showing no major problems, but a lot of "haziness," or areas of the lungs that oxygen wasn't able to get into. He just wasn't getting enough oxygen. The doctor decided he needed a little more support, and had them put him on another ventilator called an oscillator. It is the kind that is used in the NICU with sick babies, and is supposedly more gentle on the lungs. It vibrates back and forth, holding the lungs open and also helping to move the secretions around more, so they don't get stuck blocking the airways. And although he was encouraged that Carter would do well on it, it was a step backward.

An hour or two after he was put on the oscillator, we had a scary moment, probably the worst moment we have had since this sickness started. His O2 level (which is usually around 90) started dropping, and the respiratory therapist turned up his oxygen and used some suction to pull mucus from his airways. She got a couple of clots out, but his oxygen level continued to drop. He was down in the 40's and dropping. She had the mask ready to bag him, as the oxygen was turned up to 100%. Finally, just before she had to bag him, he started coming back up. I just stood by, helplessly, watching and praying that he would recover. What a terrible feeling that was. The good news is that he stopped doing that, and only had minor issues after that.

I think that was the first time I realized just how sick my baby is. The words "Primary Children's" were thrown around if he continued to be unstable. Of course I didn't sleep well that night, and I know it wouldn't have been any better had I been at home, as I was just so worried that was going to happen again. I know it's silly, because he has a nurse with him 24/7 and a respiratory therapist is never than a room away. He is getting the best possible care, and an untrained mommy a few feet away isn't going to make one ounce of difference. Still, it was good to be here with him especially after he had a pretty good night.

By morning, his chest had cleared up a little bit. His right upper lobe is still not getting oxygen (not surprising, apparently, because the tube leading to the right upper lobe is the smallest and most easily blocked), and the doctor can't be sure it isn't a bacterial pneumonia (although he thinks it's strictly caused by the RSV). He had a good day yesterday, not doing any of the scary desats he had done on Sunday. He is now getting breast milk, a full feeding of about 2 1/2 ounces, through his tube every 3 hours.

Because bacterial pneumonia has not been ruled out completely, he is going to stay on antibiotics for the full ten days. So, this morning he had a central line put in so that they won't have to start IV's every day (his little veins just weren't handling the IVs very well). He is stable now, and we are all hoping that we will start to see more improvements so he can slowly be weaned off the ventilator.

Most of the time, I feel okay about things. I am optimistic that everything is going to be okay, and that Carter will make a full recovery. But every now and then, doubt creeps in and I lose some of that optimism. At church on Sunday (after I had heard that he was on a ventilator, but before I saw him), I was a mess. People were asking how he was doing, and I just cried. I was just not feeling like I was handling it very well. The closing hymn in sacrament meeting must have been chosen just for me. It was "Be Thou Humble," and the first verse goes like this:

"Be thou humble in thy weakness, and the Lord they God shall lead thee,
Shall lead thee by the hand and give thee answers to thy prayers.
Be thou humble in they pleading, and the Lord thy God shall bless thee,
Shall bless thee with a sweet and calm assurance that he cares."

It was definitely a tender mercy from above, as I really felt that "calm assurance" that he cared about me, and that he was most definitely aware of my sweet baby. And suddenly, I realized that I didn't feel alone anymore (and I hadn't known I had felt alone before).

I know he still has a long way to go, so my optimism now is carefully guarded, but I also know without doubt that all the fasting and prayers in our behalf are helping. They are not only helping Carter get through this trial, but they are helping me. I feel an immeasurable amount of gratitude for the love that has been shown to our little family. I truly do feel humbled by this experience, and am vowing to be a little better, a little more faithful, and a little more grateful.

RSV

For any of you who aren't my friend on Facebook, or for those of you who haven't heard, little Carter couldn't handle all the sickness floating around our house. My girls have been struggling with a cold; they have been coughing and complaining of a sore throat for over a week now. Carter started with a runny nose first and I panicked a little (that's my major struggle with anxiety--I always imagine the worst when it comes to health matters). I put him under a humidifier and started putting saline in his nose and suctioning it out the best I could. A couple days later he had a little cough, but he was still doing well, eating fine and not too sad.

Thursday night I kept feeling like he was getting worse, but there was no evidence of that. He didn't have a fever, was still nursing, and sounded like he was breathing alright. Friday morning he was awake for about an hour, and not sad at all, so I still thought he was okay. By 11:00, his appetite had diminished and by 2:00 he had a fever of 100.5. I called the doctor's office and told the nurse what was going on and we got in to see the doctor around 4:00. By then, he had really taken a turn and was not doing well at all. He was only getting about 80-85% oxygen on room air and really grunting a lot. It was decided that he needed to be admitted to the hospital.

An hour later at the hospital, he was down to 75%, with some major retractions when he breathed. He had completely lost his spunk and didn't put forth any fuss when the nurses started working on him. Respiratory suctioned him out and started him on oxygen, but within an hour or so, they decided it wasn't enough, and put him on a machine called a CPAP, which essentially blows air into his lungs to keep them open so he wouldn't have to work so hard. They started two IVs for fluids (he wouldn't eat or even try), and put a tube down his throat to vent his stomach and to get some of the mucus out there. I took this picture after they were finished hooking him up on Friday night.


Since then, he has gotten a little worse. He stayed on the CPAP and was doing alright, but was still working a little harder to breathe than they wanted. He wasn't allowed to have any food, but got IV nourishment. Yesterday he was a lot more feisty, and wasn't the least bit happy about what was happening to him. Jeff stayed with him last night, and said around 3 am his coloring wasn't good and he was lethargic again. The decision was made to intubate him. When I heard that, I was sad. I thought that meant he had taken a step back. But after seeing him for myself today, I realize that it's not all bad. He just wore himself out trying to breathe, and he can't get the secretions out by himself. Also, RSV takes a few days to peak before it plateaus and you see improvement, so it was probably a combination of the RSV getting worse and his body tiring out that made it necessary for the ventilator (I don't have a pic of him on the vent yet, but it doesn't look nearly as bad as that scary pic of the CPAP mask).

He still will be in the hospital for several days. It's hard to know how many, but we are hopeful that within a day or two he will start to improve and will get to be extubated. For now, he is sedated and resting comfortably and just needs time to get better. We are starting to give him breast milk through his tube and we'll see how he tolerates that. I'm glad to be able to do something, even something so small, for him. It's hard to see him helpless and I have found myself wondering what else I could have done for him. I tried to keep the sick kids away and do everything I knew how to do to make sure he didn't get sick(including pleading with the Lord daily to keep him healthy), but it didn't help. I guess we have more things to learn from this experience and I am determined to learn them. One thing I have realized is that it isn't my fault. I am sad that I can't protect him from everything, but I know that's not realistic. One of the "blessings" of a mortal body is the ability to experience all things, even sickness that lands you in the hospital at 3 weeks old.

Today I am feeling encouraged. I feel peaceful. I know it's because of the many, many people who are fasting and praying for him. Thank you all so so so much. We have felt such an outpouring of love that puts a lump in my throat. Carter is so lucky to have so many people caring for him. And I am patiently waiting the time I can hold him again and tell him just how lucky he is.

More updates later as things change (hopefully for the better!)

V-Day 2010

Today is my first day alone with all four kids. It just so happened that it falls on President's Day, when no one has school. And I must say, having four kids wouldn't be hard. If there were four of me. :)

My mom left us on Saturday, and now real life begins. Because it is RSV season, we are supposed to stay home as much as possible until Carter is a little older. That is going to be hard. Not for me, but for the other kids, especially Kyla, our stubborn little mule. She started showing her independence by peeing on the floor. In the bathroom. In front of the toilet. Twice. Then she announced that she had peed on the rug. I asked her why, and she had a perfectly good explanation. "Because I want to." Fortunately for me, the scrape on her leg was irritated when she peed, and now believes that if she goes on the toilet again, she won't get any more sores. I am willing to let her believe that if it means she is cured of her regression.

She also cannot keep her hands off of Carter. Anything I ask her not to do ("please don't wipe your face on his," or "please don't cover his mouth"), she instantly does. It makes for fun times, as I can't trust her to be anywhere around him when I'm not in sight. This is usually what happens (she is trying to put his binky in his mouth, but actually, she is about to suffocate him).


She did have a lot of fun "helping" grandma with all the cooking and baking. Maybe that's what I need to do while we are stuck at home--just bake and let her help. That would probably keep her entertained, but I'm not sure it would help me start to get the pregnancy pounds off.

Damon has kept busy with Valentine's Day. He is very much into gifts and gift giving (I am reading the Five Love Languages of Kids right now, and he seems to be fairly equal in Gifts and Touch, FYI), so of course he decided to make Valentine's for his class. He probably spent upwards of 5 hours making them, and they turned out great. Unfortunately, we forgot to take a picture of the final product before he handed them out.


My mom made sugar cookies (twice), and these are the ones the kids got to decorate.


Meanwhile, I got to spend a lot of time with Carter. Probably the most helpful thing my mom did while she was here was entertain the other three kids. I got to have quiet time every day enjoying my newborn (and yes, falling asleep as I enjoyed him). I know I have done this three times before, and it should come as no surprise to me, but I honestly can't believe how much love I feel for him. Even when he is crying and I feel like crying because I just want to sleep, I can't help but feel anything but love for him. For months I worried that there might be something wrong with him, and I am constantly amazed at how perfect he is.

At 10 days old, he weighed 7 lbs 11 oz (50th%, and up 10 ounces from birth), was 20 1/2 inches long (45th%, and up an inch) and had a head of 34 cm (5th%--I hope that isn't a comment on the size of his brain). He sleeps a lot, but has been awake for as long as two hours straight, and routinely will stay awake and happy for over an hour at a time. He still loves to pull his knees under his body when he is lying on my chest, and often seems to have his arms folded. He has yet to sleep for more than three hours at time at night (and usually it's more like two hours at a time), but is on a good nursing schedule of every three hours. He loves his binky and will easily take a bottle of breast milk, 3 ounces at a time.


Here he is at two weeks. His belly button stump fell off the next day, and he had his first bath (which he hated).

Jeff and I got to go out for Valentine's day on Thursday, before my mom left, and he got me some beautiful flowers (and I can't remember the last time I got flowers). What a great way to celebrate the day of love this year, when my heart already feels big enough to burst through my chest. Carter was due on Valentine's Day, so maybe it's fitting that he is my "love baby." Not that I love him any more than I did my other babies, but it's so fun to remember again why we do this. And, yes, I look tired and pale, and my hair is a little greasy. But luckily, Carter's eyesight isn't very good yet.

Carter's B&W shots

We staged a small photo shoot for Carter to try to capture the "just born" look. We quickly learned that we had no idea what we were doing. And the first time we tried, Carter was awake and didn't much enjoy curling up on a pile of towels mostly nude. That being said, I think we still got a few cute shots. I especially love the last one with the small smile on his lips.

One Week

It was the quickest of weeks, it was the slowest of weeks...

Isn't that always how it goes with a newborn? I stayed in the hospital for two nights (so as to get the most money back from Aflac and Conseco) and came home on Sunday. Since we've been home, things have gone extremely well. Recovery is never fun and/or easy, but I am feeling better every day.

My biggest complaints post-partum were:
1. The uterine contractions. Supposedly they get worse with each delivery, and these ones were extremely painful. The most painful contractions I felt during any part of my labor (blessed epidural!). Fortunately, the worst of the contractions happened in the hospital, where I had percocet at my disposal, and I managed to get through that.

2. The pain of breast-feeding. Despite my religious use of Lansinoh, I always seem to get have a hard time adjusting to nursing every few hours. That pain is getting much better, but I still cringe every time I begin nursing. And the engorgement. Oh, it's so painful. And one tiny baby cannot begin to drink enough milk to relieve that pain. I am currently without a breast pump (it has been misplaced), and waiting for the one I ordered on eBay to get here, so I haven't been able to really pump much either. On Facebook, I posted that my body thought it was fun to make enough milk for 4 babies. Now I am down to enough milk for twins. And that isn't a bad thing.

3. The hemorrhoids. I don't think much else needs to be said, but that is definitely included in my recovery process.

The kids seem to be adjusting fairly well. I know that is probably because my mom is here and takes them to do fun things every day. What are we going to do when she goes home on Friday? I'm not anxious to find out. Damon and Allie don't seem to be affected by the baby at all. They just live their normal lives, albeit much more fun when grandma is around, and haven't shown any signs of displacement.

Kyla, on the other hand, has suddenly become the most stubborn, strong-willed little girl imaginable. Don't let that smile fool you, she has not been the least bit cooperative since we brought Carter (she pronounces it "Cado," like "avocado") home.

She hasn't taken anything out on the baby (she loves him tremendously, and is always wanting to hold him. One day she even got out of the chair and was standing on the floor, bouncing him up and down because "he likes to be bounced."), but she has started fighting both my mom and me on everything we ask her to do. I understand that her world has completely changed, and I am trying to be patient with her, but there are only so many times I am willing to let her do things by herself or make her own decisions about what she is going to do, and then I can't give in anymore. I mean, no matter how much she may not like it, she has to ride in her carseat in the car. And so, we fight. But I know it will get better. It just may have to get worse first.

Carter is doing amazingly well. He has figured out his days and nights and will wake up a couple of times at night to eat and then goes right back to sleep. So far, he is a dream newborn, with very few issues. I know it's way to early to proclaim him a calm, content baby, but I am enjoying it now. We'll see how he does once he hits the six week "wake up period." He was a bit jaundiced, so we let him have a little sunbath one afternoon.

The forehead crinkle seems to be his trademark. He is always doing it.

He is also very alert, and will turn his head to hear my voice when I'm nearby. He sleeps a lot, but when he's awake, he seems to really try to engage whoever is holding him.

The kids all love to hold him and he doesn't seem to mind too much.

Finally, here is one of my and my four kids. Wow, that is weird to think about. But I am so happy. Despite the one melt down I had on Monday (I think everything had just caught up to me; I was feeling a lot of pain, I was tired, I was emotional, and I had to just go into my bedroom and have a good cry. I felt much better after that and much more equipped to handle life), I feel pretty good. I can't believe how much love I have, not only for Carter, but for all my kids. And even with little sleep, I can feel that I am being given more patience to deal with all the craziness around me. I truly feel so blessed.

Baby's here!

Phew! What a whirlwind couple of days! I went in to the hospital on Friday for my weekly non-stress test. Jeff had spent the night at his brother's cabin (out of cell phone range), but came back early just in case anything of interest happened at the appointment. In the 45 minutes we monitored his heart rate, he had four decelerations, which were enough for him to fail. Suddenly, January 29th became baby day!

Although I knew it was a possibility, I was a little shocked that it was actually happening, and was a bit emotional as I was admitted and made the necessary phone calls. My mom, who had driven home on Wednesday, immediately jumped in the shower and prepared to make the drive back. I was alone for a few hours as I tried to find someone to watch the kids (there was really no rush for Jeff to get to the hospital, since we knew it was going to be several hours before anything happened), so I got to really think about what was going to happen. And request the epidural before the nurse even started the ptocin. The timeline for the day went like this:

10:00 am-failed non-stress test
10:30-admitted, dilated to 1.5
12:00 pm-epidural and pit started
2:15-dilated to 3, 60% effaced (Jeff got there about 1:00, missing out on the multiple attempts to start my IV and the epidural. Good timing, since he isn't a big fan of watching needles pierce skin).
3:30-met Dr. Weibell, my doctor's partner who was on call, who broke my water. Dilated to 5, 80% effaced, 0 station. We started to worry that my mom, who was still 2 hours away, wasn't going to make it
4:15-dilated to 8, 90% effaced, started me on oxygen as baby wasn't tolerating contractions very well. I was feeling very little and happy as could be. The oxygen stabilized baby's heart rate quickly, no concerns.
5:00-started pushing. Mom still 22 miles away. Baby posterior, not making much progress. I could feel the contractions by this point, but they were not super painful. We learned quickly that I probably wasn't going to be able to push him out on my own, without a little help from the "vacuum." But baby's heart was fine, I was fine, so we decided to wait for my mom before getting the vacuum, just pushing with each contraction with little to no success.
5:25-mom finally arrives, doc pulls out vacuum
5:32-baby boy makes his way into the world with a gigantic cone head! 7 lbs, 1 oz, 19.5 inches long, apgar scores of 8, 9.


My first thought is that I am so glad for modern medicine. Not only the ptocin to stimulate labor, the epidural to make it bearable, the vacuum to help speed things along, but also the ultrasounds and heartrate monitors to begin with, that let us know that our boy was headed for trouble. We were able to get out in front of it and he really didn't scare us at all with his cord compression. We were able to get him here safely and quickly (almost too quickly!), and everything went amazingly well.

We named him Carter Edward Trapnell. Carter was the name Jeff and I agreed on, as one of the few we both really liked. Edward is after Jeff's dad, Frederick Edward, as well as Jeff's grandpa and great-grandpa. It has nothing to do with a certain vampire. But a fun coincidence...

I'm sure there will be plenty more in the days to come, as well as lots more pictures once I figure out how to get them off of my mom's camera, but here are some to start.

Damon's waited a long time for a brother!

Kyla making us laugh in the hospital with Grandma's glasses

Going home on Sunday


Staring intently at grandma today. He definitely wanted to wait for her, and she couldn't be happier about that!

MTC

We had a nice storm on Friday night that finally cleared the air. Jeff made the comment, "this is a pretty place to live when the air is clear." The shoveling of the driveway isn't so much fun, and although I have only been called upon to help once or twice, I don't much like it.

Yesterday, my brother Jonny went into the MTC. It was fun to have my family here, if only for less than a day. His morning was packed with visiting the DMV, last second packing, a quick haircut and a little tennis with his "baby," Roger Federer. Damon was at school, but we took a picture of him with the girls so we can compare when he gets back in two years and see who has changed the most.

Here's all the crew that was here to send him off.

And finally the obligatory MTC sign before he got dropped off. I wasn't in St. George for those good-byes (I heard they were tearful), but we were all excited for him. He's going to be such a great missionary and I can't wait to experience it with him through letters and email!

Let's hope that I am the one who looks the most different when he gets back. I'm sure he loves how my belly is nestled right up next to him.

Five Things

A while back, my friend Joni posted about how sometimes we beat ourselves up over not accomplishing our resolutions. Well, about how we sometimes beat ourselves up over anything, really. To start the year off, she posted five things she liked about herself, and challenged everyone else to think about what they liked about themselves. I have been thinking a lot about that, especially at this time of hugeness when I don't like much about myself physically, and I thought I would borrow her idea.

So, here are five things I like about myself.

1. I am dependable. If I say I'll do something, it will get done.
2. I am a loyal friend. That is part of my BLUE nature. If I make a connection with someone, I know that it will last a lifetime. I may not be the best friend, but I always care and try hard to let my friends know that.
3. I am optimistic. I don't have a hard time seeing the good in most situations.
4. I believe the best in people. This can also be to my detriment, and would probably be the one thing keeping me from winning Survivor. I want to believe that everyone is good and honest and give them the benefit of the doubt.
5. I love learning. I know I am not the best mom, and my kids could probably easily thrive somewhere else, but I love that they love learning, too. We love visiting the library, and I am constantly trying to explain things to them so they can understand. Jeff said I treat them like little adults (and that it's not always a positive thing), but as I watch them learn and grow, I feel like it is something I am good at.

So, there you have it. It wasn't all THAT difficult to come up with five things. Of course it would be much easier to come up with five things I don't like about myself, but that is beside the point. I want to challenge you all to think of things you like about yourselves, too. Just as Joni did, if you leave me a comment containing just one thing you like about yourself, I will respond with something I like about you, too. And if you can think of more than one thing you like about yourself, post it on your blog, and let's keep the good feelings flowing. It will be like the Sisterhood of the Traveling Compliments.

Oh, and one thing I wanted to record for the future. Kyla climbed in bed with me one morning and told me that she had a dream that she "jumped in the cool (pool) and there were three alligators, named Elonia, Eclonia and Estonia" that tried to bite her. Later, she told me there was a fourth alligator named Emmonia. I don't know where she came up with that, but I thought it was pretty funny.

36+ weeks

We made our last trip to St. George (for a while) last weekend for my brother's missionary farewell. Good times, and a few more games of Settlers were enjoyed by all. We managed to squeeze in some family photos (I posted them all on Facebook, but here is one for my non FB friends), and I must say, it is so fun to take pictures when you are 36 weeks pregnant. Nothing better for the old self-esteem. This is the entire Esplin extended family as of last week. Baby Boy Trapnell is well accounted for, but not visible. I'm sure a lot will change before Jonny gets home from Argentina in 2012 (provided the world hasn't ended).


One of the favorite things for the kids to do is have a dance party to "Party in the USA." You can see the full feature on my cousin's FB account HERE if you are so inclined, but here is a clip of Kyla doing her favorite part. It makes me smile.

Now with all the partying (mostly) out of the way (we'll get to go to dinner with my parents and Jonny before he goes into the MTC), there are only a few things left to do before I'd consider us ready to have Baby Boy join our family. A few items I need to locate, clothes to be washed, a few freezer meals to be made, and then I'm ready. I just hope he will cooperate with my time line.

I had a non-stress test this morning and everything still looks fine. I am hoping that we fail next Friday (anytime we fail, it becomes "baby day"). My doctor can't induce me without reason until I am 39 weeks, so a fail becomes good news from here on out. Or if I go into labor on my own, but the earliest I have done that is 10 days early, so I'm not counting on that.

I am trying not to be anxious about it, because obviously I have no control over it, but I am starting to really feel big and uncomfortable. I have avoided taking any pictures of myself since 28 weeks, but I finally decided it was time. Here's the big 36+ week photo:

And I had to take one of me as I usually am, complete with the compression stockings and belly band I sport daily. Look at that big round belly. Fantastic. :)

I started taking Prilosec every morning for the nasty heartburn I have been having and what a miracle drug that has turned out to be! Seriously, it has saved me this last trimester as the heartburn had gotten worse and worse. I tipped the scales at 159 lbs on Wednesday. Wow, that's a lot! Yet another reason to hope I have this boy early.

We all (except Jeff) caught a little stomach bug this week. Kyla threw up first in the middle of the night on Monday, and Wednesday morning Allie threw up at the neighbor's house. Damon called from school at 11:00 feeling sick and I picked him up. Then, I started throwing up around 5:00. Man, oh man, were my stomach muscles sore after that. I must still have abs somewhere, because they were aching! Thankfully, it was a quick bug and we are all feeling back to normal today.

Now, we just wait. And try to be patient. And be glad that I'm not up all night with a newborn. And maybe decide on a name for the little guy, so we don't have to call him Roy (ha ha, that was funny Lana!).

Not to be all about Kyla...

...but she seems to be the one who has the most going on right now. Like big dreams. And nightmares. And sometimes those being one and the same. She has been a little sad lately that she doesn't get to go to preschool with Allie, and the other night she woke up crying at 2 am. I went in to make sure she had her binkie and was all snuggled up, but she kept crying. I asked her what was wrong, and she told me, "I want to go to preschool!" I so wished I could crawl inside her head and see for myself just what she was dreaming.

Then this morning, after another 2 am wakeup, she told me about her bad dream. "A big witch was taking my binkie." I can see how that would be traumatic.

Kyla has also decided that it is time to get potty-trained. I wasn't ready for this yet, but she kept showing up in my room in the morning wearing undies. So, grudgingly, I decided to give it a shot. I bought a Barbie on clearance and told her that if she could stay dry for an entire day, she could have her. It only took her three days of trying. Impressive. I have one more that can be earned after 7 days of dryness. That one will be a little trickier. But at least I am not regretting letting her go diaper free. And not having to change a poopy diaper is heavenly.

She doesn't look especially proud here, but she was probably tired from keeping the Barbie from Allie (Allie can be quite manipulative, but Kyla stayed strong and didn't give in).


This one is funny, because how many second graders WOULDN'T be doing bunny ears?


The other latest bit of news is that I dusted off the old sewing machine (still basically new, since I've used it about a dozen times since Jeff bought it for me 4+ years ago) and work on a project. I am certainly no seamstress (the class I took one summer in junior high didn't spark an interest, I suppose), but I thought I could put together a skirt for my crib. I had bought a bumper at Kid to Kid, but couldn't find a skirt that looked good. And even then, I was going to have to pay around $30 for a plain white one.

SOOO, I found a tutorial online (complete with pictures), bought my material and went at it. Four hours, and many, many curse words under my breath later, it was finally finished. It's certainly not perfect, and I won't be opening an Etsy shop anytime soon, but I am satisfied. I think it looks pretty dang alright.


I know it's hard to see, because the mattress in on the highest level, but it mostly hangs flat, with one pleat in each side. I think once the mattress is lowered, it will be just right, but for now, I am not going to lose any sleep over it.

Now Baby Boy can come and have a comfy place to sleep. Speaking of the impending due date, I still don't know exactly what to expect. I have been having weekly non-stress tests, where they measure my fluid, and monitor baby's heart rate for a while to make sure he isn't in distress. He has performed well each time, although occasionally they have to use the "baby tazer" on him to get him to wake up. This morning I had a contraction while I was there and his heart rate went a little crazy, so I had to stay a little longer to make sure he recovered well. He did. I'll be 36 weeks on Sunday, so we are getting close. I dreamt he had blue eyes and blond hair, but I'm not expecting that in the least. I just want him here safe.

Sweet Kyla

This little girl has a very tender heart. She loves people, and she is very concerned for anyone who is hurting. She will be a great Relief Society president one day.

Yesterday, during the Sacrament, I was talking to her about Jesus and how we drink the water to remind us of Jesus' blood. Her brow furrowed in deep concern as I described thorns being placed on his head, causing him to bleed. She looked at me with those eyes filled with love and whispered, "Jesus is my friend. I will get a rag and wipe it off. " Then she smiled that big smile shown above. How could I do anything but rearrange her on my shrinking lap and hug her as close as my protruding belly would allow?

How did you do?

I never like to go back and revisit my resolutions from previous years. Probably because I didn't keep them. But now it's time to create some more for 2010, so it's inevitable that the resolutions from 2009 are revisited. Here's how I did...(gulp)

Personal Goals
1. Scripture reading in the mornings--hit and miss. I finished the D&C and started the New Testament. I'd give myself a B-.
2. Exercise three times a week--again, hit and miss. But a big miss the last couple months, as I can barely walk up the stairs without getting winded and experiencing pain in my legs and below my belly. Grade: C
3. Blog turned into Blurb books--2006, 2007, and 2008 are done. It was a lot of work, but so much fun. I don't know if I have enough from 2009 to create a book, so I am going to hold off for now. Grade: A+
4. Scrapbook pages finished and printed--I have finished up through September, but have printed none. Grade: B.
5. Read one book a month, keep up in Ensign and RS lessons--I did pretty well here. My book total for the year was 45 (some juvenile books, some adult books), which isn't bad. I can do better with the other reading, though. Grade: B.
6. Practice piano every day and memorize songs--I probably played an average of 2-3 days a week. And I have no songs completely memorized. But it's a great improvement from 2008, so that's good, right? Grade: B-.

Family Goals
1. Read Book of Mormon Sunday-Thursday right after dinner--we are still in Alma, and we have been reading for two years now. Not great. Grade: C
2. Family prayer twice a day--we are great about night time prayer. Not so good about morning prayer. Grade: C+
3. Date nights once a month with the kids--not bad. We definitely haven't made it monthly, but Damon and Allie both have had multiple date nights this year. Grade: B
DAMON-night time prayers, 20 minutes of reading a day--great with reading, not great with night time prayers. Grade:B-
ALLIE-night time prayers--not great. Grade: C
JEFF AND KRYSTAL-temple once a month. We probably made it 9 times this year. Not quite what we were going for, but we're still working on it. Grade: B-.

Well, what's our GPA? KRYSTAL=2.9 FAMILY=2.45 (I used a GPA counter found HERE, and had all "courses" worth 3 credits) .

2010 resolutions to come soon. I think I need to add some "gimme" courses to ensure a better year.

2009 Recap

2009 Year in Review

1. What did you do in 2009? Moved out of the basement and into our new home in Orem.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I wasn't perfect. Not even close. But I did alright. Time to start again.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Noel and Tara both had girls. Time for another boy!

4. Did anyone close to you die? Again, thankfully, no.

5. What countries did you visit? Caribbean cruise, if it counts. St. Thomas, St. Lucia, Antigua, St. Maarten, and Barbados, as well as Puerto Rico

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? A yard. A few furnishings in our house.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? My mom's birthday in May, spent in San Diego.

8. What was your biggest personal achievement of the year? Unpacking and organizing our new house.

9. What was your biggest failure? Can't think of one.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Kyla was hospitalized with swine flu. Definitely the worst of the illnesses we had this year.

11. What was the best thing you bought? Our house. I love it so.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Damon for starting his fourth school in three years and instantly making friends.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Obama's attempt at health care reform, Jon and Kate Gosselin, and Tiger Woods.

14. Where did most of your money go? Our house.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? My brother, Eric, coming home from his mission, a girls trip with my mom and aunt to San Diego, moving into our new house (see a theme with this house bit?)

16. What song will always remind you of 2008? I have a few. Too many to count by Lady Gaga. "You Belong with Me," and "Love Story" by Taylor Swift, "I Gotta Feeling" by the Black Eyed Peas, "Party in the USA" by Miley Cyrus, "Battlefield" by Jordin Sparks," "Single Ladies" by Beyonce, "Hot and Cold" by Katy Perry, and a bunch by Kelly Clarkson ("My Life would Suck Without You," "Already Gone," and "I do not Hook Up")

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? 
b) thinner or fatter? 
c) richer or poorer? a) happier. b) much fatter. c) poorer in the short term, but investing in our house should make us richer in the long term

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Throwing up

20. Did you fall in love in 2008? I loved Jacob Black a little more after New Moon came out

21. What was your favorite TV program? Hoarders and Big Bang Theory was our new addition this year. And Parks and Recreation.

22. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Nope

23. What was the best book you read? Hunger Games, The Book Thief, When You Reach Me

24. What was your greatest musical discovery? Pandora radio on my iPhone

26. What did you want and not get? A bike and bike trailer for the second straight year. Hopefully soon!

27. What was your favorite film of this year? Up, New Moon and Harry Potter 6 are up there, too.

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 30 and got hit on twice in one week (once at Krispie Kreme and once while driving in my van. I was visibly pregnant, too...)

29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? BYU to have beaten FSU.

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? Maternity clothes, bleh!

31. What kept you sane? A cruise in February

32. When you think about 2009 what sticks out in your mind? Starting over with a new ward, new neighbors and a new life. We're loving it!

33. Best moment of 2009? Easter, when my family was having a little testimony meeting and my mom and BIL finally admitted how much they loved each other. So amazing!

A Quick Recap

Take a deep breath and prepare yourself for the rest of a whirlwind December. We took the kids to see Santa at the mall. The policy is that you are allowed one photo with your own camera. I understand that it helps keep the line shorter and makes it a bit more enticing to buy their photos, but it's still a lot of pressure. Especially with three kids, what are the chances that our one and only shot would be a good one? Luckily, fate was on our side. It turned out great.

Just before the kids' turn to see Santa, Allie turned to me and said, "Mom, get me a dollhouse next year. I'm asking for chapstick." And she did. Kyla asked for a Barbie and candy. Damon asked for a yellow sled.

We went to see Damon's class program on the 21st. That was fun.

I did his class party on the 22nd, but no pictures of that event. I was a bit too busy spinning kids around as they attempted to Pin the Nose on Rudolph. That night Jeff and I went to SLC and met up with our friends, the Law's. They were in ortho school with us in Jacksonville and recently moved to Austin, TX. It was great to catch up, and we enjoyed some wonderful sushi like old times. Greg and Noel also made it, but were delayed because of the snowstorm.

I had been wanting to do a journey dinner with the family, but the nights were so busy, that we ended up doing a journey lunch. We ate homemade tortillas, dried fruit, jerky, olives, cheese and nuts and drank grape juice. Not exactly the way I envisioned, but the kids seemed to have fun. We had a good discussion about Mary and Joseph. And the kids learned that olives fit on fingertips!

Christmas Eve we spent with Jeff's family at his sister's house (again no pictures, dang it), and then back home for the night. The kids knew the pajama elf was supposed to come, but we didn't get home until almost 10:00, so they were afraid we might have missed him. Luckily, as they were getting ready for bed, the PJ elf delivered, and they all got to go to bed in new footsies.

Allie had an upset tummy and all the excitement was too much for her. She threw up once before bed, and we prayed that it was just a one time thing. She had to change into another pair of jammies (fortunately, she had another pair under the tree that she could unwrap) and she was fine the rest of the night.

Christmas morning was a lot of fun. It was our first one in our own home as a family. Allie was the first one up, around 7:15 (shocker). We made the kids pose on the stairs before we let them at the presents.


Damon got a BLUE sled with yellow on it, and the girls got a dollhouse. Kyla seemed to be most pleased with the clementine from her stocking.


Christmas afternoon we drove to St. George, where the party was really going strong. We spent the next few days eating way too much, staying up way too late, and changing way too many diapers. Kyla had the same tummy bug Allie had, and had a serious case of diarrhea for a few days, which also led to a nasty diaper rash, and a miserable girl. Fortunately, a prayer from grandma and half an imodium crushed up in applesauce finally did the trick and she was back to her happy self.

Damon loved playing with my cousin, Caden, and the two of them spent a few hours Sunday morning up in a tree in the park.

They do clean up nice, though, don't they?

We got to be in the temple with my brother, Jonny, as he took out his endowments after Christmas. The night before, we had a mini testimony meeting, where we all talked about our feelings of the temple, the Savior, etc. It was a very special night and I was so amazed at how grown up my family is getting. I love them.

Tara and Wayne weren't there for the picture, because Tara had to rush home to nurse her one month old baby, but this is the rest of my family after the temple. 5 of the 6 kids were there (Kimmy's turn will come in a few years).

Jonny leaves Jan. 27th for Mendoza, Argentina, and his farewell is on the 17th (Kimmy's 16th b-day).

Jeff, Wayne and my dad took the kids hiking one morning and Jeff took this cool shot.


We came back home in time for two parties with Jeff's family and we rang in the New Year at 10:00 pm New Year's Eve.

Really, that is the briefest of recaps, as much more happened that really should be documented. It was a great holiday, and it's so hard to get back to real life. And detox from all the sugar we consumed. Here's to 2010!